Aristophanes'
Women In Parliament
Translated by
Translated by George Theodoridisã2005 All Rights Reserved
This work may be freely reproduced, stored, and transmitted, electronically or otherwise, for any non-commercial purpose, except for theatrical or cinematic use where permission must be sought.
(Contact: solowords@yahoo.com )
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
PRAXAGORA: An Athenian woman
FIRST WOMAN: A neighbour of Praxagora
SECOND WOMAN: Another neighbour
BLEPYRUS: Praxagora’s husband
NEIGHBOUR: Neighbour and friend of Blepyrus
CHREMES:
A citizen of
MAN:
Another citizen of
FEMALE HERALD
FIRST OLD WOMAN: An old prostitute
GIRL: A young Prostitute
EPIGENES: A young man
SECOND OLD WOMAN: Second old prostitute, uglier than the first
THIRD OLD WOMAN: Third old prostitute, ugliest of all
MAID: Of Praxagora
CHORUS OF ATHENIAN WOMEN
TWO GIRLS
SICON & PARMENON: Neighbour’s slaves
Night. A street in
From emerges PRAXAGORA dressed in men’s clothes (complete with phallus). She is walking, bent over a walking stick and looking through the dim light of a lamp she’s carrying.
She waves her lamp searching up and down the street and while doing so she addresses her lamp, in the manner of a poet satirising another, in this case, Eurypides: Full of airs and pomposity.
Praxagora:
O light of my lamp!
Bright light in this lamp,
This well crafted lamp,
This lamp built on a wheel by inventors with good aim.
Let me tell of your birth and of your charms:
The potter’s wheel spun you and gave you
A face
And thus your function is placed within
Your nostrils
A function as bright as the sun’s
Rays!
So then,
O, light of my lamp,
Let your light give out the signal we women have
Arranged.
To you, alone, o light of my lamp, we’ll reveal all
And we’re right to do so for you,
Alone
Stand near us in our bedroom
When our body tangles with another in Aphrodite’s
Knots of prurient passion.
You alone,
O light of my lamp,
Can stand by and
Watch our bodies bend into taut bows
And no one will send you away.
You alone,
O, light of my lamp
Can look so closely into those nooks and crannies
Between our thighs where no one else can look
And singe the curls that blossom therein!
And
You, alone, stand by when to our
Pantries we run to steal the flour
And
Bacchus’ wine. You see us then and help us
But
You don’t show and tell our neighbour!
That’s why you, alone will learn what decisions
We, women made at Demeter’s festival the Scira.
Here we are! Minutes only before Parliament starts and not a woman in sight! It’s damned near daylight!
Walks up and down anxiously.
Not a single one of them!
Chuckles. She just remembered a malapropism uttered by a certain Phyromachus.
He he! Remember Phyromachus? He once called us, “whore’s bums!” Hehehehe! Whore’s Bums!
She shrugs her shoulders.
Pause
Well, we should get in there, in Parliament, quietly and quietly plonk our whore’s bums on our seats nice and early. Make no noticeable fuss at all.
What on earth is keeping them? Haven’t they sown together the false beards that I’ve told them to get? Maybe they’ve found it difficult to run off with their husband’s clothes.
She suddenly sees something in the distance (Stage Left)
I wonder what that light is. It’s coming this way. I better hide somewhere in case it’s a man.
She moves back and hides the lamp behind her.
A woman, dressed in man’s clothes and carrying a dimly-lit lamp and a bundle appears. She waves her lamp to the others behind her and they follow her onto the stage.
First Woman:
We’ve got to hurry, girls! The cock crowed twice already!
32
Praxagora:
Relaxes and moves forward towards them.
I was up here all night, waiting for you, girls!
Hang on. Let’s get my neighbour out without her getting caught by hubby. Let’s scratch softly at her door.
36
Second Woman:
I had just put on my sandals when I heard your scratching. I couldn’t sleep all night either. My hubby is an islander, you know. From
Praxagora:
Looks in the direction of Stage Left.
Ah! Here they are! Cleinareti, Sostrati… and Philaneti! Come on then, move it girls!
Enter the three women.
Glyki said the last one to get here will be paying a fine. Three jugs of wine and a sack of chickpeas.
46
Second Woman:
Laughs at the sight of Melistichi in the distance.
Ahahaha! Here’s Melistichi, Smicythion’s wife! Look at her run in her husband’s boots! And there I was thinking that, what with her queer husband, she’d be the first one to be able to get away!
First Woman:
And… here’s the innkeeper’s wife, Mrs Lush herself, complete with her torch.
51
Praxagora:
And there’s Mrs Generous and Mrs Happy and, behind them, a whole lot of women… The absolute cream of Athenian women!
Third Woman:
What a nightmare it was to get away from my husband, girls! Up all night, coughing and splattering, coughing and splattering! All night! No wonder though, he gorged himself on my short‘n curlies for his supper!
Laughter and nods all round.
Praxagora:
Now, ladies! Now that you’re all here, sit down and let me ask you a question!
They all sit around her.
Right. Have you all done what we said we would, back at Scira? At Demeter’s festival?
60
First Woman:
She raises her arm that shows a huge tuft of hair under her armpit.
Sure did. I’ve let the hair of my armpits grow so long that a lion could get lost in it, just like you’ve told us! Then, whenever my husband went off to the market, I’d get the oil out, splash it all over me and stand out in the sun all day to get my body all black.
Second Woman:
Me, too, Praxagora. The first thing I did was to throw the razor out of our house, so that my hair would grow so much, I won’t look at all like the attractive woman that I really am.
Laughter and applause all round.
Praxagora:
And have you all got the beards?
70
First Woman:
Pulls one out of her bundle.
Here! Look at this one! By Hekate, isn’t it great?
Second Woman:
And look at mine, too, Praxagora! Isn’t it great? Better even than that mop which shields Epicrates’ face!
Praxagora:
You too? All of you?
First Woman:
Yeap. Nods all round. They’ve got them, all right!
Praxagora:
She walks around them, looking pleased.
Good. Looks like you’ve done everything as we said.
Points at the items she mentions.
Spartan boots…walking sticks…men’s cloaks… Right! You’ve got everything, I see.
First Woman:
And I even knocked off my husband’s truncheon, when he was asleep. Poor Lamius!
Second Woman:
That must be the truncheon he swings when he needs to fart!
Praxagora:
By Zeus the Saviour! With a stick like that, plus Argus’ leather jacket and thousand eyes and old Lamius would be a great shepherd to gather us for our city’s executioner!
All right! Now while there are still stars in the sky, let’s get to the next thing.
Parliament is opening at Dawn and we’re prepared for Parliament. Right, sisters?
First Woman:
Absolutely, by Zeus! And we’ve got to get in there early and sit ourselves directly in front of the Chairman’s stone platform.
Second Woman:
Absolutely, by Zeus! That’s why I’ve brought along my knitting. Get some done before the place fills up.
Praxagora:
While the place fills up, you idiot? Knitting?
90
Second Woman:
Absolutely, by Artemis! Why not? Don’t you think I can knit and listen at the same time? My kids are totally naked!
Praxagora:
Listen to you, woman! Here we are trying to hide our body and you’re talking about knitting!
We’ve got to get in there early, girls! We’d deserve what we’d get if, suddenly, when all the people are there, one of us has to climb over them to get herself a seat but her cloak gets stuck somewhere and off she goes, showing her pubes to everyone!
Remembers something and chuckles.
Phornisius’ beard, ey? What a stack of pubes that beard is! Hehehe!
Right! Now, if we get there first and take our seats before all the others, hold our man’s clothes tightly wrapped around our body and have our beards with us and let them roll out in front of out face, no man will suspect a thing.
Beards, ey? Even a woman-looking man, like Agyrius looks like a man-looking woman, now that he’s wearing Pronomous’ beard!
Agyrius, ey? Remember him! That crooked, filthy rich politician! Agyrius! Rules the whole city, the bastard! It’s because of him that we should try and accomplish this daring deed today, girls;
And! And we should do it before Dawn arrives.
Let’s hope to take the power in our hands, sisters! Let’s save our city!
Because for a long time now, our city has been going nowhere at a fast oar!
110
Third Woman:
But Praxagora, how could we, a group of women, with women’s brains make convincing speeches?
Praxagora:
We can make excellent speeches exactly because we are women! Better than any man can. They say that buggered youths make splendid orators, don’t they? Now, do we women know about fucking or don’t we? We’re naturals, right?
115
First Woman:
Oh, I don’t know, really. Lack of experience is a dreadful thing, you know. I mean about speeches.
Praxagora:
But that’s precisely why we’re here, darling; to get ourselves all prepared with what we’re going to say in there. Now, put your beards on quickly and, those of you who are ready to speak go ahead and speak!
First Woman:
Ha! We’re all ready Praxagora! Who among us is not an absolute specialist in the art of talking, ey? Fucking and talking! We’re brilliant!
Praxagora:
Put your beards on then and act like you’re a man. I’ll put mine on and then I’ll wear these garlands if I want to make a speech.
Women put their beards on and fool around pretending to be acting like men; swinging their phalluses about, yelling “hohoho” raising their hands to show their muscles… etc.
Second Woman:
After putting her beard on, takes a mirror out of her bag and looks into it. She is shocked.
Oooooh! No! Sweetheart, Praxagora, look! Come and see just how ridiculous we look! This is awful!
Praxagora:
Approaches and takes a look.
But why, darling? What’s so ridiculous about it?
Second Woman:
But… with these black beards on our fair faces we look like someone stuck a squid on our heads grilled on charcoal!
Praxagora:
Ignoring her, calls out as if she is the clerk of the Parliament:
Purifier! Let the Purifier sanctify this place with the sacrificial cat!
Whispers among the women such as “Shouldn’t it be a piglet? Is that Persephone’s cat? Poor thing!”
A “Purifier” walks around with a cat, then takes it behind the curtains a moment after which we here the cat being slaughtered.
Praxagora:
Right! All of you, girls now gather around.
Indicating someone among them.
Ariphrades, stop that chatter! Move closer please and take your seat. Now! Who wishes to address Parliament?
First Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Good. Put the garland on and good luck!
First Woman:
Puts it on.
Done.
Praxagora:
Go on, then!
First Woman:
What, make a speech on a dry throat?
Praxagora:
What do you mean? You want a drink? Now?
First Woman:
Of course! Isn’t that why men put on the garland? I’d like some wine, please!
Praxagora:
Get out of there! Is that what you’d be doing in the real Parliament?
135
First Woman:
Whaaaat? Don’t they drink in the real Parliament?
Praxagora:
Don’t be silly, girl!
First Woman:
Of course they do, by Artemis! Absolutely! And it’s the totally unadulterated strong stuff! Who else but drunks would come up with laws like those they do? Not only that but they also go on with libations, mimicking “By Zeus this and by Zeus that!” one libation after another with looong prayers and looong gulps of wine and then go on yelling at each other like drunks and then the archers come along and remove the drunkest of them! Sure they drink! All the time!
Praxagora:
Come on, enough. Off you go! Go and sit down. You are worthless to our cause!
145
First Woman:
By Zeus! I reckon I’d be far better off without this beard. I’m dying of thirst!
Praxagora:
Anyone else wishing to address the Parliament?
Second Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Go on then, put the garland on! Sarcastically Oh, we’re doing just fine so far. Now, speak loudly, just like a man. Lean your body well over your stick.
The Second Woman makes play with the phallus before correcting herself and leans over the walking stick.
Second Woman:
Ahem! Now, my thinking is that I’d rather a better orator came up to speak on our behalf and defend our drinking rights, letting me stay sitting down and resting but, never mind! Now! Ahem! My view is that we shall not let a drop of water pollute our bars. Not a drop! Get rid of all the water kegs in bars! Dreadful policy, by Demeter and Persephone, dreadful, whoever invented it!
156
Praxagora:
Stop, you idiot! By Demeter and Persephone? The two goddesses? Two GODDESSESS? What were you thinking?
Second Woman:
What’s up, Praxagora? I didn’t ask for a drink, did I?
Praxagora:
No, of course you didn’t ask for a drink but you swore by the two Goddesses. You’re supposed to be a man, not a woman. The rest of the speech though, was sheer eloquence!
Second Woman:
Oh! You’re so right, by Apollo!
160
Praxagora:
No, stop.
She addresses the rest of the women.
Look, girls! I’m not making the slightest move from here until I know we have perfected everything. We are simply not going into Parliament like this!
Second Woman:
Let me have the garland. I want to speak again. I believe I’ve got it perfect now.
Second Woman:
Ahem! My belief dear, seated ladies is –
Praxagora:
No, no, no! Look at us you blockhead! What are we again? We are MEN! We are NOT ladies!
Second Woman:
Points at the audience.
It’s that fairy, Epigonus, out there. My eyes fell on him and for a minute I thought I was addressing women!
Praxagora:
Guides the woman away angrily.
Come on, off you go, you twit. Sit down with the others. I’ve got a hunch that I had better take the garland myself and speak on behalf of all of us.
Puts the garland on.
Now! Ahem! I beg the gods that they fulfil all our wishes.
I am as much a part of this country as all of you, men. I am truly anxious, truly sad about the dreadful state of our city’s affairs.
You’re always electing awful leaders! Awful! And if one of them gets something right for one day and he’s useful, he gets all sneaky and dodgy and completely stuffs up everything for the following ten days! Then you get another leader and he’s even worse than the last one! I know it’s damned hard to put brains into a thick skull but you’re always sending away those who love you and approach those who hate you. You’re always afraid of the wrong lot of people!
There was a time when Parliament hardly ever met but we did know what a bastard Agyrrios was. Now though, when we do meet, what you do is get abundant praise from the man who draws a leader’s salary whereas he who draws none and tells you that all those who attend Parliament do so just so they can get paid, you condemned him to death!
Applause all round interrupts her speech.
Second Woman:
By Aphrodite, how well you spoke, Praxagora!
190
Praxagora:
Charming! Superb! Once again, you twit, you swore by Aphrodite! How would we look if you did that in the House?
Second Woman:
I wouldn’t be doing that in there.
Praxagora:
Stop doing it now!
Right! And then there’s this… this “Coalition of the Willing” treaty we’ve just signed against the Spartans. When we were all debating it here, every one of us was shouting that if we didn’t sign up the city would be ruined; then when we did, every one of us had changed his mind –AND the man who put the proposal up, shot through!
Then we get another proposal, say to launch a fleet of ships. What happens? Well, the wealthy will vote “yes” but the poor and the farmers will vote the opposite.
One minute you get vicious against the Corinthians to which they reply in kind and the next they’re “great” so you’re “great” is back again!
Those from
We get a slight chance at peace but then, our General Thrasyboulos, goes off screaming that he wasn’t consulted!
First Woman:
Hey, this guy is smart!
204
Praxagora:
Now that’s a good way to praise me.
And you, fellow citizens of
Yet, there’s hope! There’s hope if you listen to my proposal and it is this: I propose that we hand the city over to the women. Who better to run the city then they who run our households? They are the managers and treasurers of our house.
All women together:
Yeaeeeeeeee!
First Woman:
Indeed, kind sir! Please go on!
214
Praxagora:
And let me prove to you just how much better they are equipped up here (indicating the brain) than us. Number one, they dye their wool in hot water. Each and every one of them! They’ve never strayed from that ancient custom. If a system works, they’ll stick with it; not like this Parliament where we’re always fiddling with everything, trying to change it this way and that, looking for some new way to do the same thing. Totally different to the women who:
Do the frying seated, just as they always did.
Carry things on their head, just as they always did.
Carry out the festival of Thesmophoria, just as they always did.
Bake their sweets, just as they always did.
Fuck with their husbands, just as they always did.
Have their secret lovers, just like they always did.
Do that little extra bit of shopping for themselves, just as they always did.
Love their wine straight off the bottle, just like they always did.
Love their fucking, just like they always did.
For all these reasons, gentlemen, I say, let the women govern the city! Don’t start analysing and debating it all, trying to be convinced by the argument. Just hand it over to them. We need only to consider the following:
Being the mothers of our soldiers, they’d want to protect them as best they can; and… and think how much bigger the rations would be and how much faster they’d reach our soldiers when they’re fighting!
Then, so far as the treasury is concerned, women know all about money. They’ve learnt the game a long time ago. A woman will never be diddled by anyone if she’s the leader –women are the absolute masters at diddling!
I’ll stop here now. If I have convinced you you’ll have wonderful lives.
241
Second Woman:
What a sweet woman you are, my Praxagora! Where did you learn all this, darling?
Praxagora:
My husband and I lived near the Pnyx, where Parliament met when we were all thrown out of
First Woman:
Ah! That’s why you’re so awesome, so brilliant! Well, then. If you pull this off and we get the leadership of the city, we shall elect you General! But then what if Cephalus, our famous orator and potter gets up and insults you? How will you tackle him?
Praxagora:
I’ll simply say he’s out of his kiln!
First Woman:
Nothing new in that, Praxagora. You need to say something else.
Praxagora:
In that case, I’ll say, he’s a phlegmatic, black-livered madman!
First Woman:
Nahhh, nothing new in that either, Praxagora.
Praxagora:
Well then, I’ll just say his pottery stinks and so will his work on the city!
First Woman:
And what if crusty-eyes Neocleidis starts insulting you as well?
255
Praxagora:
What I’ll say to him is, “Neocleidis, go and shove your crusty eyes up a dog’s bum!”
First Woman:
But what if they try to fuck you?
Praxagora:
Darling! I’ve very well versed in fucking. I’ll fuck them back!
First Woman:
Ah! Something else we haven’t thought of! The archers. What if the cops do the drag on you? One from the front and one from the back?
259
Praxagora:
I’ll just stick my elbows out, like this. They won’t be able to grab me by my waist.
Chorus:
And if they do lift you up in the air, we’ll scream at them to let you go.
First Woman:
Right. We’ve got all that under control… all, that is, except the fact that we mustn’t forget to raise our hands when we vote, like the men do. We women are used to raising our legs, instead!
266
Praxagora:
Hm, that’s a toughie, that one. Nevertheless, we’ve got to vote, so remember: Raise your right hand. Pull the cloak down and raise it bare.
All right. Now, just lift up your skirts and put on those Spartan boots… and hurry! That’s right, just as you see your husbands wearing them when they go off to Parliament or whatever. Now tie on your beards, all of you. Properly! Done? Good. Now put on your husband’s cloak and be careful how you do that also. Good! Now, let me see you leaning on those walking sticks. That’s right. Good, and, as you’re heading off start singing some song that the old men sing. Sing it like the peasants do.
Chorus:
Quite right. Well said!
279
Praxagora:
Let’s go then. I think there are women going to Parliament from the farms, as well, so let’s get there before they do. We’ve got to hurry because you know what it’s like with payment in Parliament: either you’re in by Dawn or you’re given bugger all!
Exit Praxagora and the two women.
285
Chorus:
Well, men, time for us to trot off. And remember, the word is “men.” That’s the word we’ve got to use all the time from now on. Don’t forget that because our life will be in great peril if we get caught dressed up like this and for such a secretive venture.
So come on, men! Let’s be off to the
Parliament.
The Chairman has issued the warning:
Be there at the crack of Dawn,
Be there covered in dust,
Be there happy to have garlic for lunch
Be there with eyes rubbed black
Or else not a penny you’ll get
For your trouble.
Pointing at some “men” who immediately stand “erect.”
Hey, there Tom and Dick and Harry,
Look sharp and get moving!
You’ve got a role to carry,
Play it well, don’t falter
When we get our tickets
At the Parliament’s entrance,
Be sure we sit together
And together we vote as we ladies please.
Oh, no! I said “ladies” the fool.
I meant to say, “men” of course!
It’s time now, let’s go. The men from the bush are going to be there too, so we’ll need to push in. Damn them! When the pay was an obol a day they’d run off to the garland shop instead, and there they’d sit on their bums and gossip all day rather than attend to the city’s affairs.
Now that the pay is a bit more they come and they jostle and shove for a seat! Ah, bring back the days of our generous General Myronides! When he ruled no one dared ask for a handful of silver to serve our city. People would come with lunch sack, a crust of bread a drink, a pair of onions and three olives!
Now they act like common bricklayers, asking for three obols a day while doing their civic duty.
From Praxagora’s door enter Blepyrus. He is wearing a long fine, lacy, white, diaphanous ladies’ shawl over his shoulders and women’s shoes with long straps, dragging loosely around his feet.
He has just got up out of bed.
His face is twisted with pain and he has a tight, anxious grip of his bum with one hand, hoping to control his bowel.
311
Blepyrus:
What on earth is going on around here? Where has my wife run off to?
Looks around him.
It’s damned near Dawn and I still can’t find her.
There I was, wade awake half the bloody night, desperate for a shit, desperately struggling to find my shoes and cloak in the dark, searching everywhere - but everywhere!- and nothing! I couldn’t find a thing. In the meantime, there’s Mr Bum- opener, banging at my rear entrance. What could I do? I grabbed my wife’s cute little shawl and her cute little Persian slippers and rushed out here looking for a place to shit! I’m busting for one!
He looks around anxiously. Runs off Stage Left, farts and immediately runs back on stage again. Still anxiously, he sits down mid-stage to shit.
At night, anywhere is all right because no one can see you.
But then he peers into the audience, feels uncomfortable, farts, gets up and rushes out Stage Right. More farting before he rushes back on stage again, anxiously holding his bum.
What an idiot I was, getting married at my old age! I deserve a few good bruises for that… as a memento of the occasion. Looks around for his wife. Wherever she went it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship, I can tell you that for sure... Anyway, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
He rushes back to Stage Right. Again more farting, some groaning and the final herald of evacuation.
Pause.
He enters the stage, still feeling “pressed” however. He obviously did not manage to ease himself totally. He holds his stomach tightly and alternates between that and checking his hands, shawl and slippers. When he turns around we see a yellow patch on the shawl.
From the opposite house we hear the creaking of the window shutters opening. Slowly we see the NEIGHBOUR. He is holding a lamp which he waves about trying to see into the street.
Neighbour:
Who is it?Who’s there?
Waves the lamp and peers into the darkness
I don’t suppose it’s my neighbour Blepyrus, is it? Surely not!
Peers some more.
Blepyrus is trying to escape but he’s unsuccessful. He is still gripping his stomach.
By Zeus, it IS the very man! Blepyrus!
Peers some more.
Hey… what’s that yellow patch all over your back? Ha! I see you must have met our famous poet Kinesias. He’s sprayed your arse with some of his shitty verses! Hahahahaha!
Blepyrus:
Gives up any attempt to escape. Farts.
Nononono! I’ve come out here wearing my wife’s yellow shawl. She loves wearing this little thing.
Neighbour:
Where’s your cloak?
Blepyrus:
I wish I could tell you. I’ve looked for it among the sheets and blankets but just couldn’t find it.
335
Neighbour:
Why didn’t you ask your wife to tell you where it is?
Blepyrus:
Mightily uncomfortable. Every sentence an obvious indication of defeat and despondency.
No, by Zeus, I couldn’t ask her. She sneaked out on me. I’m afraid I’m about to cop some new worry from her.
Neighbour:
Also begins to confess awkwardly.
Eh… Same damned thing happened to me, by Zeus! Same thing exactly! My woman took off with my vest. I love that vest! Not only that but she’s taken my boots as well! Couldn’t find them anywhere!
Blepyrus:
Me too! My Spartan boots have also gone. Nowhere to be found, nowhere to be seen! But I just had to have a bog, so I’ve just slipped into these little high heels and rushed out here. I couldn’t very well shit in our blanket, I’ve just had it washed.
Neighbour:
I wonder what’s going on? Perhaps some friend of hers invited them for breakfast.
Blepyrus:
A, ha! That’s most probably what it is! So far as I know my woman is no slut.
351
Neighbour:
Oh, well. I can see the length of a ship’s cable of shit on your back… I… I’ve got to go to Parliament now. That is, if I can find my cloak! It’s the only bloody cloak I possess!
Blepyrus:
Holding his stomach tightly and anxiously.
Me, too. As soon as I… finish my… as soon as I get rid of…
With excruciating pain.
By Zeus! I need a shit badly! My bloody bum hole is totally blocked by some wild choke pear or something. Nothing can get out of there.
Neighbour:
The sort of blocking our Thrasyboulos did to the Spartans?
Blepyrus:
Yes, by Dionysius!
Show of agony
It sure got me in a tight spot.
Neighbour, chuckles, waves good bye and goes back inside his house.
Blepyrus:
To the audience
What the hell am I going to do now? And not only now but what will happen when I eat something?
Anxiously
Where will all the shit flow?
Indicating his bum.
This mister Wild Pear has locked and thoroughly bolted the rear exit…
Anxiously peering into the crowd
Is there a doctor in the house? Can someone go and get me one? Who though? Who’s a good bum purger, I wonder… Anyone know Amynos? No? Anyhow he’ll probably say no.
Spins around anxiously, urgently and in sheer agony.
Somebody please call Antisthenes, hurry! Do whatever it takes. He’s the one! When it comes to groaning, moaning and whining he knows a bum hole that needs licking! Not a great doctor but what a politician, ey?
He falls to his knees in agony then raises his hands in prayer
Oh, Ilithia! Goddess of the pregnant womb! I beg you! Don’t ignore my pain!
Here I sit, trying to shit but the gate’s shut and bolted!
They’ll turn me into a potty for some comic stage!
Blepyrus squats and looks around him. He tightens his face as he tries variously to evacuate. Occasionally he’ll check to see whether he’s done anything.
Time passes as the light on the stage increases gently.
Suddenly he realises he’s about to be freed of his burden. He picks up the lengthy shawl and runs behind the curtain on Stage Right.
Enter Chremes Stage Left, carrying a shopping bag. He looks across and sees Blepyrus.
372
Chremes:
Oi! What do you think you’re doing down there!
Suddenly shocked by the realization.
You’re NOT dropping a bog, are you?
We hear the loud noise of the long anticipated evacuation.
Then, with a look of relief on his face, he enters the stage.
Blepyrus:
Who, me? O, nonononono!
Looks back to where he was.
At least not any more. Here I am, finally standing up!
Chremes:
Still suspicious. Looks around and there’s a short game of “hide the sin.”
Why are you wearing your wife’s shawl?
Blepyrus:
This little ol’ thing? Just grabbed it in the dark by mistake.
Changing the subject.
Tell me, where are you coming from?
Chremes:
From Parliament.
Blepyrus:
Is it out already?
Chremes:
Been out since the break of day, by Zeus!
Laughs.
You should have seen the late-comers! They were sprayed with so much ochre, there was ochre all around! What a laugh!
Blepyrus:
So, you did get your three obols, I presume.
380
Chremes:
I wish! No, I was too late! Shame! Shame! I’ve got to explain to my purse now why it’s empty!
Blepyrus:
So… you got absolutely nothing then?
Chremes:
Absolutely nothing… except my shopping bag.
Blepyrus:
But why were you late?
Chremes:
A huge crowd of men turned up. Like never before. They just all turned up at the Parliament. Just like that, the whole throng together, and at the same time. I took one look at them and thought they must have all been cobblers. Pale. As if the sun never saw their faces. The whole place was pale… so neither I nor a whole lot of others near me got any money.
Blepyrus:
So, I won’t get anything either if I go, ey?
390
Chremes:
Where from? You’d never get anything after the cock’s second crow!
Blepyrus:
Oh no! Bugger me dead!
He falls to his knees and prays, mocking Aeschylus the tragedian
“Oh Antilochus, do not lament the loss of the three obols
but do lament the living man! Me, Blepyrus, for all I had is no more!”
Gets up again.
But what the hell was it that brought out such a huge throng, so early?
Chremes:
What else but the fact that the Chairman has placed in the agenda the question about how to save the city. There he was, the first of them all, Mister Crusty Eyes Neocleidis, jumps up out of his seat, gropes his way to the speaker’s chair and gets ready to speak. The crowd though, begins to yell, “get off!” And “How dreadful it is that this person dares to lecture us on the ways of saving our city when he can’t even save his own little eyeballs?” To which old Neocleidis looks all round him and yells, “what the hell can I do about it?”
Blepyrus:
I’d have told him, “grind a bit of garlic with the milk of the fig tree, add some sow-thistle and apply it on your eyelids every night.” That’s if I was there… but I wasn’t!
Chremes:
Then, out comes our real genius, Eveon, wearing absolutely nothing, though he tried to convince the people that he was, indeed, wearing a cloak. His words were very… democratic! He said, “As you can see, folks, I’m also in need of salvation. Just a mere silver drachma would do it, really. Anyhow, I’m still going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. The moment the sun turns his back on us and is replaced by winter, the manufacturers of clothes should give cloaks free to anyone who asks for them. That way, no one among us will catch pleurisy. As well, those who don’t own a bed or a blanket, should go to the tanners - after they’ve had a wash - and if a tanner dares slam his doors to him, well, we should fine him three furs.”
421
Blepyrus:
By Dionysus! What helpful ideas! And he should have added that our great grain mogul, Nausicydis, and other grain dealers should also give away to the poor, three kilos of grain for their supper or else these dealers would end up crying for a long time. Now that suggestion would get Eveon unanimous agreement!
Chremes:
Then, after Eveon a pale, handsome young man who looked just like our
General Nikias, jumped to his feet and spoke to
everyone. He… he argued that we should hand over the running of
Blepyrus:
Because, by Zeus, they’ve got brains!
Chremes:
But they were fewer in number so the speaker told them to shut up. He said a whole lot of good things about the women but he said some nasty things about you!
Blepyrus:
Like what?
Chremes:
First, that you’re a right old bastard!
Blepyrus:
What about you? What did he call you?
Chremes:
I’ll tell you in a minute. Then he called you a thief.
Blepyrus:
Me? Only me?
Chremes:
That’s right, only you. And, by Zeus, he called you an informer as well.
Blepyrus:
Just me?
Chremes:
That’s right, Blepyrus. You and Indicating the audience most of these people here, too! Thieves and informers. Dobbers. Squealers. Right old bastards the bloody lot of them.
445
Blepyrus:
Stares at the audience for a minute.
Indicating them.
Well, that’s true. That’s undeniable, by Hermes.
Chremes:
And he also said that whilst we, men, all cheat each other and don’t return borrowed things, the women, help each other, lend each other anything from dresses to jewellery, money, cups and saucers and they do it alone and without the presence of witnesses and wankers; and they return everything on time.
Blepyrus:
Yes, by Poseidon! We cheat even with witnesses present!
454
Chremes:
And he went on and on about all this, praising them. Gave a whole eulogy on them! They don’t snitch, don’t sue, don’t destroy our democracy… lots of other great virtues.
Blepyrus:
And what did he propose?
Chremes:
That the city be turned over to the women. It was thought that this was the only thing the city hasn’t ever tried.
Blepyrus:
And this proposal passed?
Chremes:
My words exactly. Absolutely!
Blepyrus:
And these women are now in charge of everything that we were in charge of?
Chremes:
Yep. Exactly right. They’re in charge.
460
Blepyrus:
So… instead of me going to court, from now on it’ll be my wife?
Chremes:
Nor will you be raising your children any more. Your missus will be in charge of that.
Blepyrus:
So… I won’t need to moan and groan every morning, worrying about our daily bread?
Chremes:
By Zeus, no! Oh, no, mate! From now on, it’s the wife who’ll be doing all the worrying. No need to moan, groan or worry about a thing. Just stay home and…
Blepyrus farts.
…fart all day!
Blepyrus:
Hmmm. I… I fear for us, you know? I fear that for men of our age, when these women take over they’ll force us… they’ll force us to… well, you know, to…
Chremes;
To do what?
Blepyrus:
What else? To have sex with them, man! And if we won’t be able to do it then we won’t even get breakfast!
Chremes:
Stupid man! You can do this, can’t you? Indicates cunnilingus. Do it and you’ll get both, breakfast and sex!
Blepyrus:
But it sure is awful when you’re forced to do it!
Chremes:
But if it’s the will of the city then everyone must obey.
Blepyrus:
Yes, I suppose. There is an old wife’s tale that no matter how stupid or moronic our city’s advice, things will still turn out for the best.
Chremes:
Raises his hands in prayer.
Well, Goddess Athena and all the rest of you gods, I sure hope that things do turn out for the best. I’ve got to go. Cheers, mate!
Exit Chremes Stage Right. Blepyrus goes back into his home.
A second after Chremes disappears, we hear him yell in anger because he had stepped upon Blepyrus’ shit.
Enter the women, dressed in men’s clothes and stamping their feet. (Care should be taken not to drown the voice of the speaker.)
Mrs Lush:
Let’s go, girls!
Are there any men following us? Take a good look all around.
There are lots of sleazy bastards around, checking out the shape of our bums. Watch out for them, you never know one of them might be right up you. And stamp your feet loudly as you go along and keep your cloaks tightly wrapped.
Mrs Generous:
Stay close and look about you carefully. That’s right, look both left and right!
If this thing gets out and our husbands find out, both, shame and catastrophe will fall upon us and upon our scheme.
Mrs Happy:
Here we are, girls. This is where we’ve started off on our journey to Parliament.
Kick the dust high!
Shouts of jubilation.
There’s our good General’s house.
Indicates Praxagora’s house.
She came up with the plan that the citizens of Athens have enacted.
More shouts of jubilation
Right. Now there’s no need to have these beards hanging off our faces any more, so take them off. Someone might see us in the full light of the sun, so let’s go there by the wall’s shade. Keep your eyes peeled girls. Change your clothes again, change them back to as you were before.
Mrs Lush:
Hurry up! I can see our General coming this way now. She’s back from Parliament. Hurry everyone. Get rid of all that facial hair. Ghastly stuff we had to put up with all this time.
Women take off the beards and are in various states of clothes-changing when Praxagora enters.
504
Praxagora:
Wonderful, girls! Success! Luck on our side and things turned out as we wanted them to turn out. That’s right, hurry now and get these cloaks off you before anyone sees you. Your shoes, too. You, Sostrati, undo those Spartan horse reins!
Indicating the laces on the Spartan Boots.
All of you, throw away the walking sticks and you, Mrs Lush, get all this stuff together. Indicating the shoes, clothes, sticks etc.
I think I better sneak back into the house before hubby sees me. I better put his cloak and all this other stuff back where I took it from.
Mrs Lush and other women gather all the clothes.
Mrs Happy:
All done, o, great one! We got rid of everything just as you said. Now please guide our next move, Praxagora and tell us how to do well whatever you ask of us; because never in my life have I met a woman as awesome as you! That’s for sure!
Praxagora:
Then wait for me here and I’ll make you all my counsellors for the office they’ve elected me. You were absolutely manly back there, with all that clamour and hassle that was going on, too!
Enter Blepyrus from his house, sees his wife and yells with anger.
Blepyrus:
You! It’s you! Where have you been, Praxagora?
520
Praxagora:
Since when is that your business, Blepyrus?
Blepyrus:
Oh, that’s charming! That’s very charming indeed! My business! And what innocence I see in your face!
Praxagora:
Oh, no! You’re going to start yapping on about being at my lover’s house, now, right?
Blepyrus:
One lover? ONE lover? More like a fleet of them!
Praxagora:
Don’t aggravate yourself; it’s easy to check me out.
Blepyrus:
What do you mean? Check you out, how?
Praxagora:
Come and smell my hair. See if there’s any perfume in it.
525
Blepyrus:
What do you mean, perfume? Since when do you women need perfume in your hair to get a fuck?
Praxagora:
Well, I do… unfortunately.
Blepyrus:
So why did you run out of the house with my clothes so early and so quietly?
Praxagora:
A woman, a close friend of mine was overcome by great pain in the middle of the night and I had to go and see her.
Blepyrus:
So why didn’t you say something before you ran off like that?
Praxagora:
Surely you understand I had to think about the condition the poor pregnant woman was in, darling.
Blepyrus:
Still, you could have told me first! There’s something awful in all this!
Praxagora:
I swear by the two goddesses. The woman who came for me told me to get there as quickly as possible, so I went just as I was.
535
Blepyrus:
Well then why not wear your own cloak? But no! You had to run off with my cloak and throw your shawl over me, leaving me looking like a corpse ready for the hearse! A wreath and an urn and I’d be ready.
Praxagora:
It was freezing outside, darling and I’m thin and feeble of health. That’s why I needed this to keep warm, but you! I left you in your blankets, all warm and snug.
Thinks a little
Blepyrus:
But with you ran off the stick and the Spartan boots. Why is that?
Praxagora:
So I can save your cloak from thieves. I took the stick, wore the Spartan boots and stomped my feet on the cobble stones, making as much noise as I could, so that the thieves would think I was you.
Blepyrus:
Have you any idea how much wheat I could have got us with the three obols I’d be given if I’d got to Parliament? A whole bucket of it! Nearly twenty litres of it!
550
Praxagora:
Ah, don’t worry, Blepyrus, she had a boy!
Blepyrus:
Who had a boy, Parliament?
Praxagora:
No, stupid, the woman I went to. She had a boy so I’ll be getting a gift worth much more than the miserable three obols… So Parliament sat?
Blepyrus:
By Zeus, yes! Don’t you remember? I told you yesterday!
Praxagora:
Ah, yes! Now I remember.
Blepyrus:
Well, have you heard what was decided?
Praxagora:
Not me. How could I?
Blepyrus:
Well, my darling wife, sit yourself down and enjoy your cuttlefish. They’ve voted to hand the city over to you women.
Praxagora:
To do what with it? Is there some weaving to be done?
She seats at the platform
Blepyrus:
God no. They want you to govern!
Praxagora:
Govern? Govern who?
Blepyrus:
Every bit of the city’s business.
Praxagora:
By Aphrodite! What a blessed future this city will have!
Blepyrus:
Blessed? How is that going to happen?
Praxagora:
In many ways. From now on no one will dare behave shamefully in this city. And there’ll be no more perjurers or sycophants –
Blepyrus:
Interrupts her
Good gods! Please! Don’t do that. How will we make a living?
Neighbour’s door opens and neighbour enters
Neighbour:
Come on, mate, let your missus talk!
565
Praxagora:
Right! There’ll be no more purse snatchers, no more envy, no more nudity, no more poverty, no more disputes, no more repossessing…
Neighbour:
By Poseidon! That would be fantastic – if she’s not lying, that is!
Praxagora:
I’ll show you whether I’m lying or not. You be my witness and when this becomes true, hubby here will shut up with his constant criticism!
Mrs Lush:
Now is the time when you need to use your mind, Praxagora!
A powerful mind, packed to the brim with wisdom and prudence, to defend our sisters.
Your lips never cease to utter the wise words that benefit our people in a myriad of ways.
Mrs Generous:
Now is the time, Praxagora, to show us just what your mind can do.
Mrs Happy:
Our city needs some wise person’s solution.
Mrs Lush:
Tell us all about it.
Mrs Generous:
Make sure that nothing is said or done before.
Mrs Happy:
Pointing to the audience
The folk hate to see repeats.
Mrs Lush:
All right then, don’t waste any time. Begin immediately.
Mrs Generous:
Put your ideas in practice straight away.
Mrs Happy:
Spectators love quick action more than anything else.
Praxagora:
Mrs Lush, Mrs Generous and you, too, Mrs Happy, I’m certain that my ideas are useful but I’m not so sure that the spectators will like the new action. That’s the stuff which worries me about this lot. (Peers into the audience). I think they prefer to watch the old ancient action, instead.
586
Neighbour:
Ohhhh, no, don’t worry Praxagora. So far as that goes, have no fear. Our way is to always abandon the old and well tested ideas and embrace the new ones.
Praxagora:
In that case, I don’t want anyone to argue with me or to interrupt me until she has listened to the whole speech and has a full understanding of my whole plan.
Pause as she waits for a response
Good. Now, I suggest that all things be owned by everyone in common and everyone should be able to draw a pay and have an equal standard of living. They should all draw pay from the same funds. Let’s have no more of this rich man-poor man stuff. None of this, one man farming huge paddocks and the other owning less land than what he needs for his grave. None of this one man owning a crowd of slaves and another not even a single servant. My law says, one law for everyone, one standard for all.
Blepyrus:
How can you make one law for everyone?
595
Praxagora:
Easy. Remember this motto: The only thing you’ll eat before me is shit! The rest is equal time, equal serve.
Blepyrus:
You’re making shit-eating a common practice too, are you?
Praxagora:
No, Blepyrus, but you’ve interrupted me. I was about to explain that very thing. The first thing I’ll do is to put common ownership to all the land. The same with the money and every other thing which is, at the moment, owned by individuals. And it is this common wealth that we women will harvest with prudent saving and a careful intelligence.
601
Neighbour:
What about those among us who posses no land but who have loads of silver and gold coins, like the Persian Darics for example?
Praxagora:
Well, they’ll just have to deposit it to the central fund.
Blepyrus:
And if they doesn’t deposit it then they’ll have to lie and commit perjury… which is the way they’ve got it in the first place! Hahaha!
Praxagora:
In any case, what use will it be to them? None!
Blepyrus:
Why not?
605
Praxagora:
Because there will be no one working because he’s forced by poverty. None of us will be lacking in anything. We’ll have bread, salt, fish fillets, cloaks to wear, wine to drink, garlands, chick peas, the lot. So what’s the point in not depositing their coins? Let me know if you can see it.
Blepyrus:
But those men who have all this stuff do so because they’re the biggest thieves
around!
Praxagora:
That’s right, darling! That’s all due to the laws we have now, under the current system but when this new system is established and everything is deposited in a common fund and everyone would be living from it, how would it profit anyone to keep from depositing his stuff?
Blepyrus:
But then… if a man sees a lovely girl and he would just love to buy her for a night of… of games, he’ll appear to the “common fund” draw out the price she’s after and go off and screw her.
Praxagora:
No, there’ll be no need to draw any funds. He’ll be able to sleep with her for free. No charge, no price. These girls will also become part of the common property law. Men will be able to sleep with them whenever they want and, if they want, make babies with them.
615
Blepyrus:
Well! In that case, every man will be running to the prettiest girl for his fuck.
Praxagora:
No, all the ugly ones and the ones with the twisted noses will stand next to the cute ones; and if the man wants the cute one he’ll have to fuck the ugly ones first.
Blepyrus:
By Zeus, Praxagora! What about us, oldies? If we’ve got to go with the ugly ones first, by the time we get back to the cuties, our cocks would be useless. There’ll be nothing left in them.
Praxagora:
Hahaha! Don’t worry, sweetheart, they won’t be fighting over you. Don’t ever be afraid of that.
Blepyrus:
Fight? What do you mean fight?
Praxagora:
I mean, the cute ones. They won’t be fighting to fuck with you. Anyhow, this problem about a useless cock… it’s there already with you, isn’t it?
Blepyrus:
How wise you are about your own, womanish affairs. You’ve got it worked out so that no woman’s hole is left empty but what about the men? What are you doing about us, because, as I see it, the cute women will go right past us ugly ones and go fuck with the handsome ones.
Praxagora:
The ugly men like you should follow the cute bums when the dinner party is over and watch where they take their public walks because my laws will prohibit the tall and beautiful women to sleep with those young men unless they first serve the wishes of you, the ugly and the short.
630
Blepyrus:
Hahaha! So now ugly-nosed Lysicrates will be lifting his nose up in pride along with all those perfectly-nosed handsome youths! Oh my!
Neighbour:
By Apollo, that’s right! What a great idea and how Democratic! What a laugh it would be when a bright young stallion, wearing his golden rings is told by someone wearing crude clogs, “hey buddy, hold on a while, wait till I’m finished and then I’ll let you have the leftovers!”
Blepyrus:
Thinks a bit
But then this sort of life won’t allow us to recognise our own kids.
Praxagora:
And why should we? This sort of life will make them consider all men past a certain age as their fathers.
Blepyrus:
Oh nononono, Praxagora! That’s too worrying a thought for me. The kids already want to strangle their fathers, the ones they know for certain are their fathers. With your rules these kids will not only want to strangle them but shit on them as well!
641
Praxagora:
No, silly! The bystanders will step in and save them. Before my laws, no one would give a damn about who’s beating whose father. Now though, if they hear that some man is being beaten, they’ll be worried that the old man was their own father and they’d run to the old man’s side.
Blepyrus:
Sure, Praxagora. Nothing wrong with what you’re saying but… the thought of Mr Fatso and Mr Baldy coming up to me and calling me “daddy” puts the wind up me.
646
Neighbour:
Ha! I can think of something even more frightful!
Blepyrus:
Like what?
Neighbour:
If Mr Turdlover comes to you, calls you “pappy” and gives you a big smooch! Hahaha!