Women
at the Festival
(Thesmophoriazousae)
Produced at the Dionysia in 411 B.C.
Translated
by
George
Theodoridis
©
2007
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Euripides
Mnesilochus
(Euripides’
elderly father-in-law)
Agathon
(A
poet)
Agathon’s
male slave
Kleisthenes
Magistrate
Skythian
Archer
(Policeman)
Kritylla
Mika
(Kleonymus’
wife)
Garland
Seller
Echo
Chorus
of Athenian Women
(Celebrants
of the Festival)
SILENT PARTS
Thrata
(Mnesilochus’ female slave)
Mania
(Mika’s Nurse)
Philista
(Mika’s slave)
Fawn
(A dancing Girl)
Teredon
(A flute boy)
Day.
Winter.
A street in Athens. The day of the festival.
There
are two houses opposite each other. One is that of the poet Agathon; the other
is the Temple of Demeter.
Next
to this house is an altar upon which sits a “sacrificial bowl,” used to catch the blood of the
victim and a stack of three or four flat wooden, votive shingles. On them are
drawn images of Apollo. These will be
used by Mnesilochus to scratch S.O.S. messages on.
Next
to the altar and nearer to the audience, is a small bench.
Enter
Euripides who’s anxiously checking each house, searching for the one belonging
to Agathon.
Behind
Euripides comes his elderly father- in-law, Mnesilochus who’s exhausted, badly
limping and looking for a place to sit and rest. Thrata, his female slave,
walks behind him. She is carrying a basket with a small, wrapped cake inside
it.
It is
very cold and Mnesilochus feels it more so than the others.
They
walk silently around the street for a few moments, Euripides, hurriedly,
anxiously, Mnesilochus painfully dragging his feet.
Mnesilochus: Looks up, searching the sky. Exasperated.
Dear Zeus!
Dear, dear Zeus! Grrrr! Will I ever get to see the first Swallow of
Spring?
To
the audience
This man here has me walking all over
Athens since the crack of Dawn! He’s
killing me!
To
Euripides
Hey, you! Listen you!
No
response from Euripides who is engrossed in his search.
Euripides, I’m talking to you!
Euripides
turns to him annoyed
Could you… I mean, before my guts drop,
out, Euripides, would you be so kind as to let me know, just where you’re
taking me?
Euripides: Who has just found the house he was looking for.
Look here, Mnesilochus! What’s the point of hearing about it when
you’re about to see it?
Mnesilochus: Places the palm of his hand behind his ear to help him with his hearing
What?
What did you say? No point in hearing? Hearing what?
Euripides:
No, there’s no point in hearing what you’re
about to see! Is there?
Mnesilochus:
What? I don’t need to see, either?
Euripides:
No, of course not! Not if you’re about to
hear it!
Mnesilochus: Bewildered
Euripides!
What… what is it you’re trying to tell me? This is all far too
sophisticated for me, far too… too clever for me!
You’re saying, I don’t need to hear and I
don’t need to see? Is that right?
Shakes
his head in confusion
Euripides:
Look, mate! What I’m trying to tell you is,
that it is in the nature of these two senses –that of hearing and that of
seeing- that they should be totally different from each other!
You see?
Mnesilochus: Nods but then shakes his head again
…what – hearing and
seeing?
Euripides: Rolls his eyes in frustration
Yes! Exactly!
Mnesilochus:
Ehhh, how do you mean, different?
Euripides:
Different!
They are two distinct and separate entities.
Mnesilochus
looks even more perplexed
All right! Let me explain to you how they
got separated from each other, all right?
You see, Aether… Up there, Aether… Well,
back in the beginning of time he got separated from Earth, you see? And straightaway,
all these little beasties began living inside of him… mortals and birds and
flies and suchlike; so, he first thought up this thing we call “eye” – built it
in the shape of a disc, like that of the sun, see? Made it so that all the beasties could see.
But for hearing, you see, he thought up
something different. For hearing he built something in the shape of a funnel,
which we call an “ear.” Right?
19
Mnesilochus: Shakes his head in confusion but then nods as if he had just
understood.
Right! So… now that we’ve got this funnel
ear, we can’t see and we can’t hear!
Now I get it!
By Zeus, what a pleasant lesson! You learn
something every day.
The stuff one learns when he walks with
wise men!
Euripides:
Stick around, old man and you’ll learn much
more!
Mnesilochus:
Ehhh, Euripides? Euripides can you also
teach me how to limp with both legs? I…
He
sees the bench and he sits down.
Euripides:
Mnesilochus, come over here!
Mnesilochus
reluctantly gets up and walks over to Euripides.
Now listen.
Pay attention to everything I say.
Mnesilochus:
I’m listening.
Euripides: Points at Agathon’s door
See this door here?
Mnesilochus: Stands back to observe the door. Loudly.
By Hercules! Yes, I see that door!
Euripides: Puts his index finger across his lips
Shhh!
Quiet!
Mnesilochus:
Quiet? What for? Don’t speak to the door?
Euripides:
Listen to me!
Mnesilochus:
I’ll be quiet to the door and I’ll be
attentive to your words. Right!
Euripides:
This door here is the door of the house of
our very beautiful and very accomplished poet, Agathon. Does excellent work on
tragic choruses. Won first prize with
his first work… about five or so years ago… gorgeous looking chap…
30
Mnesilochus:
Agathon, ey? Which Agathon is that, then?
Euripides:
This Agathon is…
Mnesilochus:
Oh, you mean that tall chap with the
darkish complexion?
Euripides:
No, no, no! Not that one. This is a
different guy. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen him before?
Mnesilochus:
You mean the one with that massive beard?
Euripides:
Haven’t you ever seen him?
Mnesilochus:
No, by Zeus! No. Not as far as I know…
Euripides:
Yeah, right! I’ll bet you’ve fucked him, though… without
knowing who he was, I mean!
Noise
is heard from within the house.
Shhh! Let’s move back a bit.
They
go back to where the bench is and Mnesilochus sits down.
A
slave exits from Agathon’s house, looks around, checking the street and then
goes back inside
That’s one of his slaves…
The
slave comes out again bringing out a brazier and a basket of myrtle branches
A brazier and myrtle branches! He’ll
probably make a prayer for his master.
He’ll probably pray to the Muses to send
his master some inspiration... for his poetry.
39
Slave: Solemnly
Silence! Holy silence all!
Let your mouths be silent and shut!
Here, inside my master’s home, the chorus
of the holy Muses is constructing odes!
Aether!
I call upon you to make silent all your winds!
And you, grey waves of the ocean, cease
your murmur!
Mnesilochus: loudly
What bullshit!
Euripides:
Shhh! What was that? What did he say?
Slave:
“…all you feathered birds lie down and be
silent!
And you, beasts of the forest, silence your
wild hooves…
Mnesilochus: louder
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! Utter crap!
Slave:
Be silent all, for my master, the master of
exquisite poetry is, at this very minute, getting ready…
50
Mnesilochus: louder still
…to get fucked!
Slave:
Whaaaat?
Who said that?
Mnesilochus:
That was the windless Aether!
Slave: regaining
his composure
…He’s getting ready to cut to measure the
oaken planks for the keel of a new tragedy!
At this very moment he is constructing
brand new stanzas – polishing them, spinning them, gluing them together. New
metaphors, new similes, forms of speech unheard of by human ears before! All
these are being hammered out now, at this very moment, as I speak.
In my master’s mind, his play is like soft
modelling wax which he will then drop in the casting funnel of bronze and then
he will…
Mnesilochus:
…suck cocks!
Slave: This
time he cannot go on
Who is the uncouth peasant who dared
approach this holy gate?
59
Mnesilochus: Waving his big phallus at him
An uncouth peasant who’d love to grab a
hold of you and your wonderful poet, spin both your gates around and ram this
funnelling big cock of mine right up them!
Slave:
Ohh!
What a disgusting little boy you must have been once, you old, old, old
codger!
Euripides: To the slave.
Forget about him, mate and run up and get
Agathon down here. Go on, hurry!
Slave:
I won’t have to.
Master will be down soon in any case.
With such cold winters it’s near impossible
for him to twist and turn those stanzas to perfection indoors, away from the
sun, so he’ll have to come out here soon.
Euripides:
I see… so… what shall I do in the meantime?
70
Slave:
Just wait.
He’ll be around soon.
Exit
slave into the house
Short
awkward pause during which the two friends look at each other perplexed by the
Slave’s dismissive treatment.
Euripides: bursting out in despair
O, Zeus!
O Zeus, Zeus, Zeus! What do you
have in store for me today?
Mnesilochus:
And I’d like… by the gods! I’d like to know what on earth is going on
here?
Realises
that Euripides is worried
Ey? What’s up? What are you groaning and
moaning about? Tell me, don’t keep it
all bottled up. Trust me, I’m your daddy… in-law!
Euripides:
It’s bad! Very bad, Mnesilochus! Very, very
bad! Very, very bad things are being cooked up for me today! Nasty stuff!
Mnesilochus:
Yeah? What sort of nasty stuff?
Euripides:
A question will be asked this very day,
Mnesilochus, my good mate!
A judgement will be made: “To kill or not
to kill Euripides?”
Mnesilochus:
A judgement? How can a judgement be
delivered today? The courts are shut. No cases will be adjudicated today. The
parliament isn’t sitting either. It’s the holy day of the Thesmophoria. Fasting
day. Mid-Festival day. Women’s Day.
81
Euripides:
And that’s exactly why I’m certain the
judgement will be “Kill Euripides!”
You see, mate, there’s a plot schemed up
against me by the women and today the two priestesses of the Festival are going
to gather together an assembly at the Temple of Demeter and bring down this
judgement about my life… or about my death.
Mnesilochus:
Why would they want to do that, Euripides?
Euripides:
Why, Mnesilochus?
Shrugs
his shoulders as if he can’t understand women.
Because I write tragedies about them, mate.
Because I say bad things
about them.
Mnesilochus:
Quite right, too,
Euripides. Quite right. They’re right, you know!
By Poseidon, you thoroughly deserve all the
suffering you get for that!
Ehh… How you gonna get out of it? By what mechanism will you extract yourself
from their clutches?
Euripides:
I’m going to try and persuade Agathon, the
great tragedian here, to go to the Temple of Demeter.
Mnesilochus:
Agathon? What can he do there?
90
Euripides:
What he can do is get himself to that
assembly and say to those women whatever needs to be said to save my hide.
Mnesilochus:
Just like that? Openly? A man, among all them women? Or will he go in there… covertly?
Euripides:
Covertly. Covered in women’s clothes.
Mnesilochus:
Nice one! Just your style, Euripides! The
prize for craftiness will be ours!
Noises
from within Agathon’s house.
Euripides:
Shhh!
Mnesilochus
What is it?
Euripides:
Agathon is coming out.
Agathon
is wheeled out on a lounge chair through his door.
Conspicuous
is the smallness of his phallus.
He is
dressed in exaggerated women’s clothes.
On
his head he wears a hairnet.
Above
his dress, around his waist, he is wearing a tight, broad girdle.
A
sword is hanging by his side.
One
slave is carrying out all sorts of women’s clothes, dresses, wigs, garlands, etc, Another brings out a writing desk with writing
paraphernalia on it.
Mnesilochus:
Where, where?
Euripides:
What do you mean where? Right there! That’s
him being wheeled out right now!
Mnesilochus:
Well, bugger me dead! I must be going
blind! I can’t see a man there!
Looks more like our famous whore, Kyrene,
to me.
Agathon
gets up slowly, theatrically.
One
of the slaves quickly applies make up on his face.
He
raises a hand mirror to his face and shows appreciation of what he sees.
He
picks up an oil flask and with the oil rubs his arms, armpits and legs.
Then
he picks up a lyre and strums it experimentally.
He
looks around him sombrely, seriously and takes on the air of an opera
diva.
Euripides:
Shhh! He’s getting himself ready to sing!
Agathon
vocalises the “do, re, mi” scale.
100
Mnesilochus:
What sort of sickly noise is that he’s
making? Sounds like ants are crawling up his larynx.
Agathon
sings a song that has two parts: that of the leader of a chorus of women and
that of the chorus itself. He changes his voice accordingly.
Agathon:
As
the leader:
O, Virgins!
For the sake of your free country, take up
the sacred
Torch of Demeter and Persephone,
The pair of goddesses of the Underworld,
And dance a thunderous dance!
As
the chorus:
Tell us, then, for which god should
We dance?
I love the gods and I respect them so!
As
the leader:
Apollo, my dear Muses!
Praise Phoebus, the god whose arrows are of
gold and
Who, with Poseidon, built the tall towers
in the
Land of Trojan Simois.
111
As
chorus:
O, praises to you, with our delightful
songs!
Praises to you, o, Phoebus!
You, Phoebus, are the first to reward the
Holy prize to us, the Muses!
As
leader:
Sing praises to Artemis, also!
The virgin goddess who loves her walks
In the oak-dense forests.
As
chorus:
I sing and I praise the holy goddess,
Daughter of revered Leto,
Bed-partner of none.
120
As
leader:
Ah, yes! Let us praise, indeed,
Leto and the Asian lyre whose strings
Mark the rhythm for the feet of
The dancing Trojan Graces.
As
chorus:
I revere and I praise our Lady Leto
And the lyre, worthy
mother of song.
Most famed for its virile sounds.
As
leader:
I see Leto’s eyes flash and spin as she
hears
Our enchanting chants.
Come, Muses, my friends!
Honour the mighty Apollo!
As
chorus:
All praise be to you,
Apollo, god,
Son of Leto!
130
Mnesilochus:
By the holy god of fucking! By
Genetyllides, herself!
What a horny song! Full of ardour!
Pussies and tongues right through the whole
thing, all locked together!
Made my bumhole shiver with excitement!
Moves
close to Agathon and shouts at him angrily.
Now, laddie, let me use Aeschylus’ words…
the ones he used in a play of his, called, Lycourgeia: “Wherefrom comes this
manlike-woman? What is its country?”
Good Zeus, lad! Look there at your dress!
Look what oddities of behaviour your clothes proclaim, lad! Or is it “lady?”
A lyre in the hand and a hairnet on the
head! A girdle around your waist and an oil flask that smells of a wrestling
school!
So many things that don’t fit a man, so
many things that don’t fit a woman!
Are swords and mirrors relatives? By Zeus,
what atrocious taste!
140
And you, laddie! What are your parents
doing with you, raising you as a boy or as a girl? Where’s your dick? Where’s your man’s cloak?
What’s that you’re wearing on your feet? Where are your Spartan sandals, boy?
Agathon
shakes his head, trying to stop Mnesilochus from getting it even more wrong.
What? You’re trying to tell me you’re a
woman?
Agathon
nods.
Well, where are your tits, then? Come on, speak up, say
something!
All right then, you won’t tell me so I’ll
just have to judge your sex by your voice…
Agathon: Exasperated
Old man! Old, old, old man, you’ve got it
all wrong!
I heard the prick of mockery but I felt not
its pain!
I, Agathon, wear only the clothes that suit
my inspiration!
I, Agathon, am an author of poems and
plays; and an author must behave as his plays dictate.
150
If, for example, an author is writing a
play about women, then he must behave like one and…
Mnesilochus: Indicating the “horsey” position
So, when you’re writing about our darling
cunt, Phaedra, you go off on a fucking
ride, is that right?
Agathon:
…but if he’s writing
about men, then he must also behave like a man, use his manly parts
accordingly. Of course, what Nature didn’t
provide us with, we must provide it for ourselves… by
mimicking the real thing…
Mnesilochus:
Hahaha!
Well, then, when you’re about to write a play about horny satyrs, let me
know. I’ll come over with my hard cock and ram it up your arse! That’ll inspire
you with your play!
159
Agathon:
…and then, also, it’s just totally improper
for a poet to look all boorish and beastly.
160
Bring to mind, if you care, poets like
Ibycus, for example and Anacreon of Teos and Alkeus –great lyrical love poets
of the last century, poets who spiced up their poems with all the harmony their
Muse could muster. Well, all these poets
used to wear lovely little girl’s caps and used to swing their little bums like
little Ionian girls. Demonstrates.
And what about our tragedian, Phrynicus?
Mnesilochus
shakes his head
Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of him! No? O, he was such a gorgeous looking man!
Wore all those gorgeous looking gowns! That’s why all his plays were so
gorgeous!
So, you see? The Nature of our work
reflects our own Nature!
Mnesilochus:
Hehehe!
That must be why the sleazy Philocles’ poetry is so sleazy, that nasty
Xenocles’ poetry is so nasty and that frosty Theognis’ poetry is so frosty!
171
Agathon:
That’s the Nature of things. That’s how it is.
I’ve learnt all about that and that’s why
I’ve treated myself accordingly.
Mnesilochus:
What, in god’s name are you on about?
Euripides: To Mnesilochus
Stop hassling the poor boy,
Mnesilochus! I used to do the same thing
myself, when I was his age, when I first began my writing!
Mnesilochus:
By Zeus, is that right? What a training you
must have had, Euripides! Not too much
to my liking, I must say!
Euripides: To Agathon
All right, Agathon. Let me tell you why I’m
here.
Agathon
picks a hand bag, rummages through it, finds a nail file and begins filing his
nails.
Agathon:
Tell me.
Euripides:
Agathon, let me quote myself: “The wise man says much with just a few,
well-chiselled words.”
Here I am, begging for your assistance,
because a new disaster has befallen me!
Agathon:
O, yes? What sort of assistance?
Euripides:
I… I have said some nasty things about
women, so, today, this very day, they’ll all gather at the Temple of Demeter
and… well, they’ll devise a plot to have me utterly and terminally destroyed!
Agathon: Using the “royal ‘we’”
And so, what could we do about that?
Euripides:
You, you could save my life! It’ll be easy
for you! I mean look at you! You already look like a woman, so if you go there,
to that meeting, dressed as a woman and you stand up for me, and speak on my
behalf, you’ll bound to save me from being ruined.
Agathon
is tentative
O, come on, Agathon! You’re the only one
who can do me justice!
Agathon:
But why don’t you go there yourself, mount
your own defence?
189
Euripides:
Why? Let me tell you the reason why, my
boy.
First, everybody there knows me. They all
know me there. Second, I’m an old man with a beard whereas you, well look at
you: you’re young, with a bright white, clean-shaven, soft and beautiful
face! Even your voice is feminine!
Agathon:
Euripides, I…
Euripides:
Yes?
Agathon:
Tell me: Will I be quoting you correctly if
I said, “My son, you think that you love life but so does your father?”
Euripides:
Yes, that’s me all right.
Agathon: using the “royal ‘we’” again
Well, don’t expect us now to suffer the consequences of your actions! We’re not
that crazy! No, yours is the deed and
so yours is the suffering of its
consequences; and you should not try
and escape the suffering of those consequences by trickery.
Embrace them, Euripides, be honest about
them, suffer them!
200
Mnesilochus: To Agathon
Yeah, right! And you, you little poofter! Did you get that
wide bumhole of yours with little speeches about “honesty” or by “embracing”
their suffering?
Euripides: To Agathon
But what’s the problem, Agathon? Why are
you afraid to go there?
Agathon:
Why? Because they’ll ruin me even more!
Euripides:
What do you mean? Why?
Agathon:
You ask me
why? Darling, I will be so beautiful, so much more beautiful than any of them,
that they’ll think that I will be stealing all of their whoring business! That
I’d be running off with the goddess Aphrodite herself!
Mnesilochus:
Ha! Listen to him! “Stealing their whoring
business,” he says! Stealing it!
By Zeus! Getting buggered’s more like it!
And loving it!
It’s a pretty good excuse though, god damn
it!
Euripides:
Well, Agathon, will you do it?
Agathon:
I shouldn’t think so.
He
sits by the little desk and begins writing.
Euripides:
O, poor, poor, poor me! This is it then!
I’m dead meat! What a way to go!
210
Mnesilochus:
Come, come, come,
now, Euripides, my good mate, my son-in-law! Don’t betray your own worth! Don’t
underestimate yourself…
Euripides:
Yeah, but what shall I do?
Mnesilochus:
First, tell him to go to buggery and then let me help you. I’ll do anything you want!
Euripides:
Really? Ponders
about the possibilities. Walks around his friend, examining
him from all angles. Mnesilochus looks a little worried.
Well then, if you really want to help me…
take off your cloak!
Mnesilochus
takes off his cloak, drops it on the ground and immediately feels the cold.
Mnesilochus:
Grrrr!
Here you are, it’s off! On the ground.
Now what do you want me to do?
Euripides:
First, let’s shave this beard off and then…
lifts Mnesilochus’ tunic, walks around
him and examines carefully what’s beneath it …and then we’ll have to singe
your pubes and all your bum fluff.
Mnesilochus: Loyalty battles with fear for a few seconds.
Well… all right then. Go ahead, if you
think that’s a good idea.
I’ve got to suffer the consequences of my
own actions, I guess!
Euripides: Walks over to Agathon
Agathon, you’re always carrying razors
around, don’t you? Could you let me borrow one for a minute?
Agathon:
Sure. There’s my razor case. Choose one
from in there.
Euripides
opens the case and selects one.
220
Euripides:
Thanks. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
He
walks back to Mnesilochus.
Right! Now, sit down and don’t move.
Puff up your right cheek.
He
raises the razor far too enthusiastically for Mnesilochus.
Mnesilochus:
God help me! Ouch!
Euripides
continues
O, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Heaven help meeeee!
Euripides:
What? Stop that! What are you screaming
about? Stop it… stop that or I’ll have to ram a stick between your jaws!
Euripides
shaves off a bit of Mnesilochus’ beard. This hurts Mnesilochus and he jumps up
in pain and fright. He begins dancing around in agony, holding his face.
Mnesilochus:
Ouchhhhh!
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
He’s
heading off.
Euripides:
Hey! Stop! Where are you running off to?
Mnesilochus:
I’m running off to the shrine of our Holy
Goddesses because, by Demeter, I’m not sitting there getting my face all hacked
to pieces!
Euripides:
Stop it, mate! Come back here! You’re going to look stupid
walking around with only half your face shaved off!
Mnesilochus:
I care very little about that.
Euripides:
Mnesilochus! Mate! My best father-in-law! In the name of
all the gods, come back here! Don’t let
your friend down in his hour of grave need!
Mnesilochus! Surrenders
Every god is against me!
He
goes back and sits on the bench, shaking with fear
230
Euripides:
Come, now. Stop shaking and lean your head
back a bit… that’s it…
Mnesilochus
keeps smarting and tries to escape the rough treatment
Stop moving around!
Mnesilochus:
Ouch!
Ouch! Noooo! Ouch!
The
shaving has ended. Euripides stands back and admires his work.
Euripides:
What are you “ouching” about? It’s all
over. You look great!
Mnesilochus
runs his hands over his face
Mnesilochus:
God, damn it! They’ll be shoving me in the
light infantry when I get to the army!
Euripides:
What are you worried about? You look bloody
gorgeous!
Euripides
walks over to Agathon’s table and picks up the mirror, which he proffers to
Mnesilochus.
Wanna look at yourself?
Mnesilochus:
If I must.
Takes
the mirror and looks into it. He’s horrified.
Euripides:
You look great, right?
Mnesilochus:
No, I don’t! I look like pretty boy
Kleisthenes!
He’s
about to smash the mirror on the ground when one of Agathon’s slaves, gives out
a squeal of horror and rushes over to him. A minor wrestle ensues and the slave
wins the precious mirror. In utter disgust, he takes the mirror back to Agathon
who examines it carefully, until he’s satisfied that both, his mirror and his face
are unhurt.
Euripides:
Now get up so I can singe the rest of your
hairs!
Mnesilochus
this time is very afraid and edgy.
Bend over and this time don’t move!
Mnesilochus:
Me and my big mouth! He’ll make roast pork
out of my arse in a minute!
Euripides: To Mnesilochus slave
Thrata, go and bring us a torch, please
dear!
Thrata
walks over to Agathon’s slaves, talks to them for a second before one of them
runs inside the house and a minute later returns with a torch which she then
hands to Euripides.
Euripides: Wielding the torch menacingly
Now bend over!
Mnesilochus
does so and his phallus hits the ground. He groans with pain.
Watch out for your dick-head now!
Euripides
walks behind Mnesilochus and begins the “singing”
240
Mnesilochus:
Ouch! I’m watching, I’m watching… Ouch!
Bloody hell! My bum’s on fire.
He
runs around the stage and calls out to the audience.
Fire!
Fire! Water someone! Is there any
water in the house? Help! Help me before
someone else’s bum catches fire!
Euripides:
Stop that! There’s nothing wrong with you!
Be a man, man!
Mnesilochus:
Be a man? Not when my arse in a blazing
inferno!
Euripides:
Come, come, come
now! We’re over the worst part. Nothing to worry about from
now on. Come over here!
Mnesilochus
reluctantly, cautiously walks back. On his way he lifts his tunic and has a
look at the damage.
Mnesilochus:
Damn! Look at all that black soot! It’s
changed the colour of my balls… and my bum!
Euripides:
Don’t worry about it. There’s bound to be
someone to… sponge it all off!
Mnesilochus:
Let them just try! No one’s going to wipe
my bum off for me! I’ll kill them!
Euripides,
Mnesilochus and Thrata walk over to Agathon
Euripides:
Agathon, if you don’t want to help me
yourself, could you at least let me borrow a dress and a girdle for this guy
here? Come, on, I know you’ve got plenty
of them!
252
Agathon:
Go ahead, take what you need. I’m not
fussed.
All
three rummage through the clothes
Mnesilochus:
Hmmm, which one should I take, Euripides?
Euripides:
Let’s see… picks up a yellow dress and examines it. Here, try this yellow dress on for size. Looks like it’s made for festivals and
suchlike. Hands dress to Mnesilochus.
Mnesilochus: brings it to his nose and sniffs hard
Oh, yuuuuum! By the goddess Aphrodite! What
a delicious aroma! Very… very dickie! Quick, strap it on me! Puts it on with great difficulty
considering the impediments caused by his phallus and corpulence.
Euripides: To Agathon
Can I have a girdle, as well?
Agathon: picks one and hands it to him.
Here, take this.
Mnesilochus: Still having difficulties with the dress
Come on, mate, help me. It won’t go over my
legs.
Thrata
helps him tuck his phallus under the dress. The girdle fastens the phallus to
his stomach.
Euripides
examines the result.
Euripides:
Hmm, I think we’ll need a hairnet and a
hat.
Agathon:
No, he’d be better off wearing this wig
here.
Hands Thrata a wig which she tries on.
I wear this one after dark.
Euripides: Takes it from Thrata and puts it over Mnesilochus’ head
By Zeus, that’s just absolutely perfect!
Mnesilochus:
Does it fit?
260
Euripides:
By Zeus!
It certainly does, mate! It certainly does. To Agathon What about a
shawl? Do you have one?
Agathon:
There’s one on the lounge chair. Take that
one.
Thrata
dashes to it, snaps it up and tries it on approvingly. She then throws it over
Mnesilochus’ shoulders.
Euripides:
Shoes?
Agathon: Takes off the shoes he’s wearing.
Here take these.
Mnesilochus: Takes them and puts them on
I wonder if they’ll fit. Hmm, you love them
loose, don’t you?
Agathon:
That’s for you to decide. Now you’ve all
got what you need, I’m leaving. To his
slaves Come on, dears, wheel me back inside! Hurry!
The
slaves rush about collecting everything and wheeling Agathon back inside his
house.
Euripides
stands back from Mnesilochus and admires his achievement.
Euripides: To Thrata
Our man here looks just like a woman!
Now, mate, remember to talk like a woman,
too! Convince everyone you’re a girl!
Mnesilochus: in falsetto
I’ll have a go.
Euripides:
Ok, then. Off you go!
Mnesilochus:
No way!
Not until you swear that…
Euripides:
Swear what?
270
Mnesilochus:
Swear that you’ll save me from any terrible
thing that might happen to me! That
you’ll try everything in your power to save me!
Euripides:
Fine. I swear by Zeus’ home, Aether!
Mnesilochus:
Ha! I’d rather you’d swear by the halls and
chambers of our dear physician, Hippocrates!
Euripides:
All right, all right! I swear by all the
gods in Heaven. Every one of them!
Mnesilochus:
All right, but let me quote you, if you
don’t mind: “Though my tongue did swear, my heart did not!” I don’t want any of
those tricks, thank you. Both, your tongue AND your heart have sworn to me,
right?
Bells
are heard from within
Euripides:
Hell! Go on! Quick, get going! That was the
signal for the Festival assembly. I’m off too.
Exit
all. Euripides runs off Stage Right while Thrata and Mnesilochus walk out Stage
Left.
Pause.
Slow
change of light (Dim then bright) during which the door of the Temple of
Demeter opens and the chorus of women carrying torches emerges through it.
A
“smoke machine” creates some momentary haze.
A
“soapbox” and a number of chairs are brought out.
Baskets
of flowers, laurel branches and wreaths are also carried onto the stage.
Mnesilochus: From within
Come, darling Thrata. This way…
Enter
Mnesilochus and Thrata.
280
Mnesilochus: sees all the commotion
Wow, look, Thrata! Good Heavens! Look at all these torches! And all these women coming
to the temple of the divine pair of goddesses! Cough, cough! All that
smoke!
By, Demeter and Persephone, the divine pair
of law-givers!
Deliciously beautiful goddesses! Help me
survive all this and… help me get home safe afterwards!
Thrata, put the basket down please and give me the sacrificial cake. I wish
to make an offering to our two beloved pair of Divinities.
Thrata
hands him the cake.
Most holy mother, Demeter and, you, too,
wise Persephone! Make me very, very rich so that I might make you lots of
offerings in return! If not, then at
least, let me get out of this little scheme alive! With my dick intact!
And while we’re at it let my daughter,
Vagina, find a filthy rich boy –but one that’s a total moron, of course- and
give my little son, Cockhead, lots of brains and common sense!
Now let me see… I want to find a seat
someplace where I can hear everything.
Thrata, you better go now, dear. Slaves are not allowed in here. They’re
not allowed to listen to speeches.
Mnesilochus
finds a seat and sits down.
Thrata, picks up the basket and leaves. On her way out, she bumps into
Kritylla who has just walked in, rushing towards the soapbox.
Kritylla
has a document in her hand.
The
Garland Seller, Mika and Mania (her Nurse) also enter. Mania is holding a baby
in her arms.
The
Garland Seller hands Kritylla a garland which she puts on her head before she
steps up onto the soapbox.
She
is greeted with loud applause from the rest of the floor.
Kritylla:
Silence!
Silence please!
Let us pray!
300
Let us pray to the Divine pair of law
protectors, Demeter and Persephone,
And to the gods Wealth and Blueblood,
And to Earth, the nurturer of our youth,
And to Hermes,
And to the Graces.
Let us pray that our gathering here today
is conducted well and we all behave excellently and that we bring about
wonderful achievements for the citizens of Athens and the greatest of luck for
all of us.
Let us also pray that the woman amongst us
whose words and deeds most help the State of Athens and the State of Women is
adequately rewarded and heeded.
Let this be our prayer!
310
O, Holy Cock! O, Holy Cock! Holy be they
name.
Let us all rejoice!
Chorus:
And so we all shall!
May the Heavens send us a sign that they’re
pleased with our prayers!
The
sound of chirping birds is heard and this is taken by everyone as the sign of
approbation they asked for.
O, you, magnificently named father of the
gods, Zeus!
Apollo, god of the golden lyre, whose
temple is in Delos!
Athena, almighty goddess of the sparkling
eyes and of the golden spear! Goddess whose temple is here, in Athens, the city
you defended against Poseidon!
Artemis, goddess who has an abundance of
names, killer of wild beasts and daughter of Leto of the golden eyes!
Poseidon, revered and respected by all,
king of the salty waters, leave now your stormy,
fish-abundant deep home!
Daughters of the sea god Nereus!
Nymphs whose feet tread the forests!
Let us join in harmony the strands of
Apollo’s golden lyre!
And so, let this meeting of noble Athenian
women end splendidly!
331
Kritylla:
And!
Pray, too, to all the gods of Olympus and
to all the goddesses thereat!
Pray to all the gods of Delphi and to all
the goddesses thereat!
Pray to all the gods of Delos and to all
the goddesses thereat!
And pray to all the other gods and
goddesses everywhere else, as well!
Let us all pray that:
If any man schemes a scheme or plots a plot
with Euripides and with the Persians to cause harm to or to overthrow the
Women’s Republic,
If any man tries to establish himself or
establish some other man as a tyrant of the Women’s Republic,
If any man dobs in a woman who has claimed
another woman’s child as her own,
If any female slave who has knowledge of
her mistress’ secret affairs dobs her in to her husband,
If a female slave is entrusted by her
mistress to deliver a secret message but does not do so and, instead, delivers
a false message,
If a lover makes many promises to his woman
but delivers none and, instead, tricks her with lies,
If an old hag seduces with gifts the
boyfriend of a young girl, or steals him into her house secretly,
If a barman or barwoman rips off customers
by short-selling them drinks,
Pray, friends that the gods poor all of
their awesome wrath upon these people and upon their families, too and
Pray, too, that the gods give their every
blessing only to you!
352
Chorus:
We are with you in these prayers, Kritylla!
Let us pray that all these prayers be accomplished,
for the sake of both, our city, as well as her people and let us pray, too,
that the woman whose proposal is the wisest be heeded.
Let me denounce them as sacrilegious and traitorous:
those women who betray us
by breaking their sacred oath
and
those women who trample
upon our city’s laws
and
those women who betray us
to the enemy
and
those women who because of
sheer greed, want to allow the Persians to enter our city!
Almighty Zeus!
We are women but we ask you, nevertheless, to hear our prayers and bring
the rest of the gods to our side and protect us!
Loud applause from
the floor
372
Kritylla:
Now, please listen to me, ladies!
Clears her throat and
then unfurls a document from which she reads.
“In the Women’s General Assembly, the Chairwoman of
which is Timocleia and the Secretary Lysilla, Sostrate has moved the following
motion which was duly passed: ‘That a meeting be held at Dawn of the Middle Day
of the Thesmophoria Festival, the day during which we have the most time to
ourselves, during which meeting the main item of discussion shall be the proper
punishment of the man we, women consider to be a criminal, namely, Euripides.’”
Now, is there anyone who wishes to speak on this
matter?
Mika:
Me!
380
Kritylla:
Fine, taking the
garland off her head and handing it to Mika. Here, put this on first, Mika.
Mika wears the
garland, stands on the soapbox and clears her throat
Chorus:
Quiet!
Quiet, please! Listen carefully. Mika is clearing her throat and, like a
real politician, she’s preparing to make a long speech!
Mika:
Ladies, I’m not up here, to try and
impress you with my rhetorical skills.
No, I swear by our beloved pair of
Divinities, Demeter and Persephone that I’m not up here because I’m chasing
personal praises. No, I’m speaking today because I’m thoroughly sick -sick to
the back teeth of putting up with that… that cabbage-seller’s son, Euripides
and sick with the insults, the verbal abuse and the invective he endlessly
throws upon us, women!
Is there an insult he hasn’t hit us with
yet? There is no indignity, not a foul word he hasn’t used yet to sally our
name with! Give the bastard an audience,
give him a chorus, give him some actors and there’ll be no end to the garbage
he’ll find to defame us with.
390
Yes, ladies, Euripides! He’ll call us
fuck-lovers, lecherous seducers of men, alcoholics, chatterboxes, treacherous,
sick-in-the-head, a pain-in-the-arse of our husbands, you name it, he’ll find
it and he’ll happily throw it at us!
And our husbands listen to that crap in
the theatre so the moment they get home, instead of saying ‘hello,’ they give
us dirty and suspicious looks and they start searching every nook and cranny of
the house looking for a hidden lover!
This man has stuffed up our lives! We can
do nothing any more. None of the things we used to do.
400
He has brainwashed our husbands
completely! Clogged their heads up with utter bullshit!
Don’t go weaving a little wreath for
yourself because your husband will think you’re in love or something, don’t go
dropping a pot or a pan or break some crockery, you know, the sort we send to
our boyfriends, ‘cause your idiot husband will straightaway yell at you: “So,
who you got in your head these days, ey? I bet it’s that foreigner from
Corinth!”
God help the poor girl that feels a bit
crook. Up will jump her stupid brother and say, “I really, really don’t like
the colour on that girl’s face! I reckon she’s pregers!”
And God help the childless woman who
wants to shut her husband up by passing some other woman’s child as her own! It
can’t happen! Her husband will insist on being right there, next to the
delivery room!
410
Not long ago, our young girls could marry
older men. Now, thanks to Euripides’ bullshit, that can’t happen either! All
the old men listened to that line of his… the one that says, “The old man who
marries a young woman marries a tyrant!”
Outrageous!
And what do your houses look like these
days, thanks to this Euripides? I’ll tell what they look like: They look like
and feel like prisons! Locks and bolts everywhere, “special” women’s quarters,
and mountainous bloody dogs at the front gate to keep our lovers away! Fine!
We’ll overlook all that but then, once upon a time, we used to have some
responsibilities in the running of our households. Not any more!
420
We can’t take care of the food supply,
any more; or even go to the pantry to get some flour or some wine, or oil,
even!
And why? Because our dear little idiot
husbands have locked everything up with those new nasty little Spartan keys.
The ones with the tree notches on them; and they carry those keys around their
neck all the time! We used to be able to
unlock those doors easily, once! We’d buy a special little ring for three obols
and, no matter how difficult the lock was, we’d be able to open it! No probs!
Now, though, their miserable little spy,
Euripides, showed them how to carry around with them these little seals, stupid
things, with wormholes carved into them!
430
So, I move, therefore, Ladies, that we
get rid of this disgusting little pest, Euripides, by poisoning him or
whatever, or do anything that will definitely knock him dead!