Aristophanes’

LYSISTRATA

Translated by

George Theodoridis

The Characters.

Women:	Men

Lysistrata	Cinesias
Caloniki	Magistrate
Myrrhini	Athenian delegate 1 (Polycharides)
Lampito	Athenian Delegate 2
Women’s leader ((Stratyllis)	Manes (silent)
Nikothiki	Cinesias baby
Kallyki	Spartan Herald
Lampito	Spartan Delegate 1
Boetian (Ismenia)	Spartan Delegate 2
Corinthian whore	Drakis
Skythian - Female archer/policewoman(silent)	Philourgos
Other members of Stratylliss group	Phadrias
	Strynidoros
	4 Scythian Archers/policemen(silent)
	Various vagrants (silent) Other members of Drakis group (silent)

ACT 1

Scene 1

BEFORE THE CURTAIN IS RAISED OR ON A DIMLY LIT STAGE WHERE ONLY SHADOWS ARE VISIBLE, THE CHORUS IS ON SHADE, BARELY VISIBLE BECAUSE OF THE DULL LIGHTING AND DARK SHADOWS.

SUDDEN INTRODUCTION OF, Violent, disturbing, martial tambourines.

FADE OUT: Tambourines

FADE IN: Passionate pleas by a mix of women’s voices, and cries of owls.

WOMEN’S VOICES:

They are standing at profile to the audience so that the shadows of their pleading hands can be accentuated.

Cry, all you mothers! Cry for your Adonis! Cry!

Cry! Adonis! Lament the death of Adonis! Cry,

cry mothers! Your Adonis is gone! Adonis is gone

for ever! Beautiful to all eyes, Adonis is gone!

Lament his death, mothers of sons!

Pause

ANGRY WOMAN 1 (within):

Tits and clits! Tits and clits! That’s what all this is about! That’s all they are ever after!

ANGRY WOMAN 2 (within):

That and war!

ANGRY WOMAN 3 (within):

Blood and gore!

RAISE CURTAINS OR TURN ON APPROPRIATE STAGE LIGHTS.

DAWN. A PUBLIC PLACE IN ATHENS AT THE FOOT OF THE ACROPOLIS, THE ENTRANCE OF WHICH IS A LARGE GATE AT THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE. GATE AND PARTHENON ARE PROMINENT. THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE PLAY TAKES PLACE. THE WALLS ON THE INSIDE AND ON EITHER SIDE OF THE GATE HAVE PARAPETS WHERE ACTORS WILL APPEAR AT VARIOUS TIMES. LYSISTRATA IS HOLDING AN “INVITATION” WHICH SHE WAVES ABOUT FURIOUSLY AS SHE PACES BACK AND FORTH. AN ARCHER (FEMALE POLICE WOMAN) GUIDES TWO DRUNKEN DERELICTS THROUGH LEFT TO RIGHT.

FADE OUT SOUND OF OWLS. PAUSE.

LYSISTRATA

(To the audience)

Had I sent an invitation for one of those orgiastic parties held by

Little Dick or High Dick or Low Clit, you wouldn't be able to get through

all the bum-and drum-beaters clogging the streets. But for this, no!

Oh, no! Not a bloody woman in sight! Not one of them!

(Pause. Sees Caloniki in the distance, SL)

Ah, except for my neighbour! Thank goodness...

Hi, Caloniki!

ENTER CALONIKI

CALONIKI:

Hi to you too, Lysistrata! Oh, but look at you, darling! Such frowns, such arrows for eyebrows! Not good for you babe. They’re so horribly ugly!

LYSISTRATA

I’m fuming, Caloniki! I’m boiling inside. Damned women! Why on earth do men think we’re smart and cunning and capable of anything and everything?

CALONIKI:

Because we are, darling, we definitely are!

LYSISTRATA

But you call them to a meeting, to a proper meeting, to discuss something of some importance -none of that obscene and trivial stuff they’re always on about- and where are they? Deaf and asleep!

CALONIKI:

But they have heard you, darling. They have. It’s just that… you know how it is. A woman’s exit from her abode is very, very difficult! Some have to go down on their husband, others to raise their slave, others still, to put the baby to sleep, another still has to wash it, feed it, clean its poop…

LYSISTRATA

There are far more important things to worry about than all that stuff!

CALONIKI:

Well? What is it, darling? What is this thing that’s so important, you had to bring together every woman in Greece? Is it such a big thing?

LYSISTRATA

Huge.

CALONIKI:

Oh? And thick?

LYSISTRATA

O, it’s thick, all right!

CALONIKI: (Excited at a misconstrued prospect)

Well then, where on earth are they all?

LYSISTRATA(Realises Caloniki is on the wrong prospect)

No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking of, my dear. If it had been that, we’d all be well and truly here by now. No, it’s something else. Something that’s bothered me for a long time now. Believe me, I’ve lost a great deal of sleep, tossing over this one.

CALONIKI:

Ah, so, it’s a very delicate little thingy, then, this thing you’ve been tossing over?

LYSISTRATA

I’ll tell you how delicate a thing it is, Caloniki! I’ve discovered that the salvation of the whole of Greece depends upon us, upon our tits and clits! That’s how delicate a thing it is! Tits and clits! That’s what it’s all about!

CALONIKI:

Upon our tits and clits?

(She lifts first one tit then the other as if to balance them)

A delicate little thingy indeed! What a precarious balancing act!

LYSISTRATA

All these awful goings on in our city, Caloniki! Just think! We’ll be rid of them all! All of them... Spartans, the lot!

CALONIKI:

Oh, yes, of course! Out with the Spartan bastards!

LYSISTRATA

And of all the Boetians, too.

CALONIKI:

Ah, the Boetians! Well, the Boetians themselves, yes; their delicious eels, though, Lysistrata, absolutely not!

LYSISTRATA

As for Athens, my tongue won’t utter a thing but you get my meaning… If all the women would gather here, Caloniki, from Boetia, from Sparta, all of them, believe me - all of us, together, we can save Greece!

CALONIKI:

Us? But my dear, what have we women ever done that’s intelligent or that requires any skill? We all just sit around on our bums all day looking pretty, begemmed, beflowered and plastered with make-up, naked under our see-through saffron gowns and wearing our cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers!

LYSISTRATA

Exactly! That’s exactly the stuff by which I’m planning to save Greece, darling! With the scents and the make-up and the flowers and those cute little “fuck-me-please-I’m-cute” slippers and the dainty little see-through gowns!

CALONIKI:

What? What on earth could you achieve with that stuff?

LYSISTRATA

Peace, my dear! Peace among men! No longer will a man thrust his spear against another man!

CALONIKI:

Is that right? Well then, if that’s the case I’m off to powder myself right now…

LYSISTRATA

Nor will he raise a shield in front of him...

CALONIKI:

Mmm… and to put on my see-through...

LYSISTRATA

Nor will he ever carry a sword...

CALONIKI:

Ohhhh! And my cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers...

LYSISTRATA

So! Shouldn’t all these women have been here by now?

CALONIKI:

Definitely. They should all have flown right over .

LYSISTRATA

Yea, well, what do you expect? Damned Athenian women! Always late! Late for everything. Damn it! Not even those from the shore!

CALONIKI:

Yet I do know that they have hopped off their cunts early this morning and they’re on their way, they’re… coming right now, I’m sure!

LYSISTRATA

Grrr! Not even those I thought showed some real interest in this! They’re not here yet, either… God, not even the Acharnians!

CALONIKI:

But, darling, even Theagenes’ wife is coming. I saw the superstitious twit visiting Hecate’s temple before setting off… Aha! Here they all are! I told you! They’re coming, Lysistrata, all of them! (Pinches her nose) Phew! Where on earth are they all from?

LYSISTRATA

Bog Burrow! Twenty Ks south of Thebes!

CALONIKI:

Phew! Well, then, let’s not stir them up any more than we have to, shall we? Pooooh!

ENTER MYRRHINI. SHE’S WEARING A BEAUTIFUL GOWN WITH WHICH SHE IS VERY HAPPY AND WITH WHICH IS OFTEN PREOCCUPIED BY DISPLAYING ADMIRINGLY AT EVERY OCCASION; SO MUCH SO THAT HER WORDS IN LINE 114 HAVE SOME EFFECT.

MYRRHINI:

We’re not too late, are we Lysitrata? Well, what’s up, darling? Speak up, then!

LYSISTRATA

Everyone’s heard exactly what it’s all about, Myrrhini! I’m not impressed with you, at all!

MYRRHINI:

But it took me ages to find my knickers in the dark, Lysistrata. Anyway, what’s up? What’s going on? Tell us, now that we’re all here.

LYSISTRATA

No, not yet. Let’s wait a little longer for the Boetian and Spartan women to arrive.

MYRRHINI:

True… (she looks around impatiently until…) ah, here’s Lampito!

LYSISTRATA

(Rushes over to Lampito and, impressed by her body, begins to fondle her body excitedly, lasciviously) Hello Lampito! Oh! Oh, my darling Spartan! How positively fructiferous is your beauty. What colour what a vigorous, what a horny body! Darling, I think you could strangle a bull with it!

LAMPITO:

Yeah, I think I could, too. I exercise regularly. I mean very regularly and I go through every bit of me, every bit of me - including my bumhole!

LYSISTRATA

Mmm! Your titties, too!

LAMPITO:

Hey! Why are you groping me like that, like some sacrificial cow?

LYSISTRATA STOPS THE GROPING AND TURNS HER ATTENTION TO THE NEW WOMAN ON THE STAGE

LYSISTRATA

Ah! And this one? Who is this young beauty, then?

LAMPITO:

That’s the delegate sent to you from Boetia. By the name of Ismenia.

LYSISTRATA

(Prodding similarly)

Boetia, yes!

(Points at her pudendum)

Boetia of the beautiful meadows! How lovely your meadow looks!

CALONIKI:

Yea, with elegant little itchy-bitchy curly whirly penny royals growing so neatly and tightly all around that lovely meadow!

ENTER CORINTHIAN WHORE.

LYSISTRATA

And this other child?

LAMPITO:

Ah, yes! Now, that there, that’s pure Corinthian whoremeat, that one! The real stuff!

ALL OTHERS WHISPER THE WORDS, “WHORE”, “FROM CORINTH” AND CORINTH HAS THE BEST WHORES!” EXCITEDLY.

LYSISTRATA

Mmmm, yes, pure, indeed! Both front and back!

LAMPITO:

So, then! Who’s gathered this fleet of flesh here?

LYSISTRATA

I did.

LAMPITO:

Aha? Why? Name your passion, girl!

MYRRHINI:

Yes, darling, tell us what’s so important.

LYSISTRATA

I will, I will, but first: let me ask you all one question.

MYRRHINI:

Ask away.

100

LYSISTRATA

Tell me, please, all of you: Do you not miss your husband’s pricks? Your sons’ father? I mean while he’s away at war? I know very well that all of you have your husband away at the moment. Not one of them is here with you. Isn’t that so?

CALONIKI:

Mine, in fact, the poor bastard, has been in Thrace for the last five months. Guarding that idiot of a general, Eucrates.

MYRRHINI:

And mine, seven months at Pylos.

LAMPITO:

And if mine ever manages to steal away for a quickie, they rush over, nab him by the handle and quickly whisk him away back to the front!

LYSISTRATA

And so, girls, when fucking time comes… not the faintest whiff of it anywhere, right? From the time those Milesians betrayed us, we can’t even find our eight-fingered leather dildos. At least they’d serve as a sort of flesh-replacement for our poor cunts… So, then! Would you like me to find some mechanism by which we could end this war?

MYRRHINI:

If this were truly possible, Lysistrata, darling, I’d start the celebratory drinks right now. Even if it meant I’d have to sell this gown to buy the wine.

115

CALONIKI:

Me too! Even if... even if I’m torn in two like a fish on the grill and have half of me thrown away!

LAMPITO:

And me... I’d climb all the way up to the tip of Taygetus to be able to see our beloved Peace.

LYSISTRATA

Well, in that case, I’ll tell you now what I’ve discovered because I don’t think I can hide it any longer. Now! If we women really want our men to make peace, then we must… abstain.

MYRRHINI:

Huh? From what? Please explain.

LYSISTRATA(Still reluctant to make the revelation )

Ummmm… From something… Will you do it?

MYRRHINI:

Sure! Even if it means our death, but what do we have to do?

124

LYSISTRATA

We will go on strike! We shall all abstain from cocks! (Triumphant) No more cock!

(Distressed as she sees that the others don’t agree. Corinthian whore begins to cry -it’s her living!) Hey, what’s up? Where are you off to? What’s with the frowns and sad looks? How pale you all look suddenly! What’s with the tears? Will you do as we said? Tell me! What’s your decision?

MYRRHINI:

Me? I can’t do it, Lysistrata. Not me. I... Let the war drag on.

CALONIKI:

Yea, me too, Lysistrata. Let the war continue.

LYSISTRATA

You, Caloniki! You were just talking about being a fish cut in two, half of it tossed away!

130

CALONIKI:

Anything else, Lysistrata. We’ll do anything else you want us to do but… well, better in the fire than out of the bed. Better with the fire than without the cock! That can never do, darling!

LYSISTRATA

And you, Lampito? What do you say?

LAMPITO:

Better in the fire than out of the bed.

138

LYSISTRATA

What a lot of bum-torn sluts each and every single one of our sex is! The tragedians are right about us then! Screwing above all else! No regard for the consequences!

(Turns to Lampito, imploring her.)

But you, my darling Spartan, you and I, Lampito, just the two of us could still save the matter. Come on, vote with me!

LAMPITO:(Thinks deeply, paces back and forth, agonises over the question.)

It’s true, damn it. It’s a harsh and difficult thing for a woman to go to sleep, alone. Without a prick, I mean. Yet… yet… yet, we must! We must have peace!

145

LYSISTRATA(Exuberant)

Oh, true Spartan! You’re the only real woman here!

CALONIKI:

But if we did go on strike, if -God forbid!- we did as you said… will this really give us Peace?

LYSISTRATA

Absolutely! Look! We simply stay indoors, put our luscious make-up on, naked beneath our flimsy little blouses, our curlies thoroughly coiffured and plucked and we just sit and wait for our man. Soldier-hubby comes in, sees us and immediately stands at attention! Solid, stiff and horny. He’s torn to shreds with lust. But we move back! We simply don’t go to bed with them. I can assure you, darlings, Peace will be signed before you can say, “come again?”

155

LAMPITO:

Just like Menelaos and Helen. Helen flashes her tits at him once and our boy throws his sword away for ever! Ha, ha, ha! He was going to kill her a second before that - for what she’d done to Greece!

CALONIKI:

But what if the men go on strike, too and we get horny instead?

LYSISTRATA

Well, then darlings, we are all well acquainted with Pherecrates, for goodness’ sake, aren’t we? We do as he did: beat the beaten bitch, in other words, wank!

CALONIKI:

Nah! Mimicking others is crap... What if they drag us into the bedroom?

LYSISTRATA

Take a tight grip of your flaps, darling!

CALONIKI:

What if they beat us then?

LYSISTRATA

Well... all right, we give in then but we make it hard for them dears, cross our legs or something, because it’s no fun for them if they have to work hard for it. They’ll quickly give up. A man just won’t enjoy himself if the woman won’t help in the process.

MYRRHINI:

Right! Well, then. If you two agree, then we agree also. We are with you Lysistrata!

168

LAMPITO:

Yes! All right then. But we, Spartan women, we will be able to persuade our husbands to bring about a good and honourable peace straight away; but what about all these war-mongering Athenian pricks? Who’ll straighten them out?

LYSISTRATA

Don’t you worry about them, Lampito, darling, we’ll see to them!

LAMPITO:

Not very likely. Not while they’ve got all those ships in the sea and all that loot locked up in there (points at the Acropolis) Inside the temple of Athena!

175

LYSISTRATA

Nah! We’ve thought of that, too, Lampito. No problem. Today, we’ll take over the Acropolis! While we’re all here getting all this prick-protest organised, the older women will be going up there under the pretence of conducting rituals and sacrifices and, as soon as they get in there, they seize the place!

A SCYTHIAN POLICEWOMAN, ARMED TO THE TEETH (HELMET, BOW, ARROWS, SHIELD, SWORD, KNIFE) IS WALKING BY. SHE SEES THE GROUP IN A TIGHTLY KNIT GATHERING AND STOPS TO EXAMINE SUSPICIOUSLY.

180

LAMPITO:

Oh, ho! Great! A very well thought-out plan, Lysistrata! Very thorough, indeed! Well done!