ARISTOPHANES’
FROGS
TRANSLATED BY
G. THEODORIDIS
Covered by this copyright
Characters
XANTHIAS A SLAVE
DIONYSUS A GOD
HERACLES A HERO
CORPSE
CHARON FERRYMAN FOR THE DEAD
CHORUS OF FROGS MIGHT BE USED AS UNSEEN
CHORUS OF INITIATES
AEACHUS A DOOR KEEPER
SERVANT
FIRST INNKEEPER
SECOND INNKEEPER (PLATHANE)
SLAVE OF PLUTO
EURYPIDES A TRAGEDIAN
AESCHYLUS A TRAGEDIAN
PLUTO KING OF THE UNDERWORLD
PLATHANE
BIER-BEARERS, }
SERVANTS OF AEACUS, } SILENT PARTS
3 POLICEMEN, COMIC MUSE, }
PLUTO’S GUARDS (2of) }
PLATHANE’S MAID }
ACT ONE
Stage left. Enter two men, Dionysus and Xanthias, his slave. Xanthias is riding a donkey and is carrying a bundle of pots, pans a variety of small bundles tied to the edge of a long stick, resting on his shoulder. He is tired and uncomfortable and shifts his own weight on the donkey. Dionysus is walking beside him disguised as Heracles, ie, on top of his usual delicate bright yellow robe and beautiful, red lady boots (full of bows and ribbons) he has thrown a lion’s skin and he’s carrying -or more often than not, dragging on the ground - the huge club with which Heracles is usually identified. This club gives him also enormous discomfort and frequently lifts it up off the floor, puts it down again, drags it along, puts it on his shoulder, changes shoulders, giving a heartfelt grunt every time. He is a contradiction of effeminacy and misplaced bravado. He is rather rotund and carries a protruding and obvious belly. Center Stage is a house which is used first as the house of Heracles and then of Plouto. The phalloi of the two men plus that of the donkey are truly obsequious to the demands of gravity. They walk around the stage a few times before Xanthias suddenly stops.
Xanthias:
(Takes a deep sigh, scratches under his armpits and finally chuckles to himself)
Master?
Dionysus:
(stops and looks up at Xanthias, dropping his club on his foot. Annoyed:)
What?
Xanthias:
(looks around the audience, smacks his knee with laughter and, waving his hand over the auditorium.) Hey, boss! Should I tell this lot a joke? One of my famous ones. One of those they always laugh at. You know the one I mean! Shall I?
Dionysus:
Sure, yes, all right! Any joke you like except the one about how your bum is under pressure. It sickens my gallbladder that one!
Xanthias:
Then what about some other slick joke?
Dionysus:
Anything but the one about how miserable you feel!
Xanthias:
All right, then. I’ll tell them that really funny one. (Looks to the audience and chuckles. He’s about to begin the joke when…)
Dionysus:
Sure, sure... except...
(Xanthias frowns)
Don’t tell them the one about...
Xanthias:
Which one?
(He shifts his load from one shoulder to the next. The motion makes the donkey fart.)
Dionysus:
(Looks at the donkey and then at Xanthias suspiciously)
The one where you say that... “every time I shift my bundle, I need to shift my shit bag!”
Don’t saythat one! Shit words are out!
11
Xanthias:
(Frowns. Shifts his load again and again the donkey farts)
Well... what about - can’t I even say the one about how... what about the one about how... “I’m carrying such a burden on my shoulders that if someone doesn’t give me some relief I’ll start farting?
Dionysus:
No! I beg you! Please! Not that one either! At least not until I’m ready to puke.
Xanthias:
Then what’s the point of carrying this huge burden if I can’t what all the others do? Your competitors, boss: Phrynicus and Lycis and Ameipsias! That’s how they always win the comedy prize, by carrying burdens and...
Dionysus:
Not for us! These sorts of smart arsey tricks, these... low comedy tricks make me a year older when I’m sitting up there
(Waves at the auditorium)
and watching it happen down here! One year older!
Xanthias:
(Shifts his load again, this time with greater pain)
Oh my neck!
What a bastard, hey? So much pain and not a joke to be told!
21
Dionysus:
Oh, my precious little slave! Burdened with arrogance and sex! And here I am,
(shouts loudly at him)
here I am, Dionysus, son of the wine jug, on foot and in agony while him, I have him riding so that he wouldn’t get tired by carrying anything!
Xanthias:
(Shocked)
Not carrying anything?
Dionysus:
How could you be carrying anything if you’re riding something?
(Donkey farts)
Xanthias:
(Indicates his load)
Well, I’m carrying this, aren’t I?
Dionysus:
How are you carrying it?
Xanthias:
(Shifts load again and groans with pain)
With quite some pain, really!
Dionysus:
But is not that weight born by the donkey?
Xanthias:
Indicates his own weight
Not this stuff. Not my load it’s not!
Dionysus:
But how could you be loaded when you’re loaded onto something else?
30
Xanthias:
(Thinks a little, gives up. He loses the argument) I don’t know but this shoulder is sure under pressure! (As he whirls his shoulder around he makes an armpit fart)
Dionysus:
All right! All right then! Since you think the donkey is of no use, exchange loads! You pick up the donkey and let him pick your pots and pans!
Xanthias:
Damn my stupid luck! Had I served in the navy, in that great battle of Arginousae, I’d be a free man now and I’d be telling you to take a hike! In no uncertain terms!
They reach the house.
Dionysus:
Get down you, you little shit! We are here!
Xanthias gets down from the donkey. He was obviously the second half of the animal and so when he “gets down” the animal’s bum falls to the ground and as it does so, it lets out a fart, more like the sound of a balloon let down.
Dionysus:
Phew! All that walking! Here’s the first door I need to knock.
(Knocks at the door and yells:)
Hey, boy!
(No response, knocks again this time louder)
Boy!
(He turns around to the audience in frustration, then knocks at the door again)
Oi! Boy!
(Lifts his club and is about to knock on the door with it when Heracles’ voice is heard from within:)
Heracles:
Who’s banging at my door? Charging at it like a centaur!
Dionysus lifts his club again and is about to bring it down onto the door but just then Heracles’ massive body fills the door’s frame and he grabs the club mid-air with one hand.
Heracles:
(Sees the group of wanderers and bursts into laughter) Hahahaha! What... by Hades, what have we got here? Hahahahaha!
Dionysus:
(aside to Xanthias)
Boy!
Xanthias:
Yes boss?
Dionysus:
See that?
40
Xanthias:
See what, boss?
Dionysus:
How shit-scared he was of me! Shit-scared! For I am Dionysus!
Xanthias:
(sarcastically)
Ohhhhhhh Yes, Master! By Zeus! He sure was! Shit-scared that you’ve lost your marbles!
Heracles:
(Still laughing heartily)
By Demeter! Hahahaha! I bite my lips but I still can’t stop laughing! Hahahahaha!
Dionysus:
(Getting impatient with Heracles now.)
Heracles, my good man, come here.
(Heracles, still laughing, shows reluctance)
Come, please, I beg you, a word, please.
Heracles:
(Tries to stop laughing but just can’t do it)
Hahahaha! Shooh laughter, shooh! Hahahaha! Shooh! Go away now! Hahahaha!
(Looks at Dionysus’ clothes. Touches them in disbelief)
What a sight! Lion skin and lady boots. Talk about “fashion victim!” In what part of Earth is this combination a fashion? Where are you coming from Dionysus, my little brother?
Dionysus:
I was riding
Heracles:
Kleisthenes, the little toy boy? And... did you... get to use your oar?
50
Dionysus:
Sure did! A dozen or so... thirteen maybe...
Heracles:
(indicating Xanthias as well)
What,you two together? On Kleisthenes?
Dionysus:
Yup! Ask Apollo!
Xanthias:
(Aside, chuckling.)
And then I got horny... ehhh, I mean woke up!
Dionysus:
Anyway, there I was, laying flat on my back, reading a lovely play, you know, “Andromeda” when suddenly... suddenly
(getting excited -shown by the erection of his phallus) I got this huuuuge, painful yearning. Slammed itself deep into my heart!
(Erection slapping his chest)
Wow! Was that a hard slam!
Heracles:
A yearning, ey? A big one was it?
Dionysus:
Yeah, as big as... Shortie. Molon!
(Indicates that Molon is a huge man)
Heracles:
For what, a woman?
Dionysus:
Nup!
Heracles:
A boy?
Dionysus:
Nup!
Heracles:
A man?
Dionysus:
Nup!
Heracles:
Hang on! Did you really fuck with Kleisthenes, or not?
Dionysus:
Please, big brother. Stop adding insult to my injury. I’ve got it real bad! It was a hard slam, that one. Straight into my heart. It’s a serious business when one cops something like that... straight into his precious heart!
Heracles:
The yearning? Well what was it for, little brother?
60
Dionysus:
(Finds difficulty in expressing himself)
I... I... I haven’t got the words for it... I’ll give it to you sidewise... Have you ever longed for fasoulada?
Donkey farts loudly. Then Xanthias farts.
Heracles:
Bean stew? Oh suuuure! My whole life is one huge longing for bean stew! Millions and zillions of times!
Dionysus:
Have I made it clear for you? How big this longing is? Or do you want me to give it to you straight up?
65
Heracles:
Absolutely not. Bean stew is very clear to me! I understand it totally! Love it! Yearn for it all the time. Fasoulada, yum, yum!
Dionysus:
Well, that’s it! That’s the longing and passion I suddenly got, and it was for... Eurypides!
Heracles:
But he’s carked it! Dead! Deceased! No longer upon our world! He’s down there! Down below! Passed down!
Dionysus:
I know, I know, but I must go! I must go after him! Down below and no one, not even you can stop me, big brother!
Heracles:
But... where? He’s down with Hades, I tell you!
Xanthias shakes with fear, kicks the donkey and farts.
70
Dionysus:
To Hades and below that even! That is if there is a “below” Hades!
Heracles:
But.... what on earth for? What are you after, little brother?
Dionysus:
(Stares forlornly, romantically at the sky.)
Oh… I need... I need a good poet, Heracles. Ah! Eurypides! Remember what he said? He’s the one who said, “some poets have died and those who are still around are shocking!” What a clever poet our Eurypides was!
Heracles:
But, what about Iophon, Sophocles’ son. He’s still around isn’t he?
75
Dionysus:
He and only he, unfortunately! And I’m not that certain that he’s that crash hot either!
Heracles:
Well, if you must bring someone back from the dead, why not Sophocles who’s far better than Eurypides?
Dionysus:
No, first I’ll grab Iophon all by himself, take him away from his pappy and see what he can do on his own. In any case, Eurypides is a sly and crafty,sharpold buggerand he could most probably think up of some way of us getting out of Hade’s clutches; whereas Sophocles, well, you know Sophocles: he was a woos up here and he’d be a woos down there. No spunk, no love for adventure!
Heracles:
And our little Agathon?
Dionysus:
(Forlornly again)
Ahhhhh our beautiful, beautiful Agathon!
Heracles:
Where is he?
Dionysus:
(Absent mindedly)
Ey? Oh! That lovely handsome boy has gone and left me! Tsoof! Took off with his lover Pausanias. What a waste! He’s most sorely missed by all of his friends around here.
Heracles:
Where did the little beauty go?
85
Dionysus:
Went off to slurp with the Blest!
Heracles:
And Xenocles?
Dionysus:
Carcinus’ son? Him and his “Trojan Trilogy”? Curse the turd!
(Spits)
Heracles:
Pythangelus?
Xanthias farts, shifts his load and shows loss of patience.
Xanthias:
(To them both)
Oi! What about me? Not a bloody word about me! Look! My bloody shoulder is killing me!
Neither Heracles nor Dionysus notice.
Heracles:
But what about all the others? A million and more young boys, writing a million and more tragedies, spitting out more words than Eurypides could ever spit!
90
Dionysus:
Heracles, I’m looking for a real craftsman. One whose words are lofty, poetic. You won’t find them here any more, I tell you. Those kids you’re talking about are just loud mouths, producing scraps for the dogs, idle crappings of crapping birds who, as soon as someone gives them a cast of actors, they piss and shit on Tragedy and then leave. Nah, there’s no virile poet to be found anywhere. (Shouts at the audience) Find me a poet who knows the noble word!
95
Heracles:
Virile? What do you mean, virile?
Dionysus:
Virile! Fructiferous! Juicy! One who can glue syllables together to produce the most delightful thought. Like “Oh, Ether, Zeus’ Bedchamber!” (Donkey farts) or “Foot of Time” or “Oh heart, that won’t swear upon the sacrifices, Oh, tongue that swears so falsely, so distant from the heart!”
100
Xanthias farts
Heracles:
(mocking)
You like that sort of stuff?
Dionysus:
Ohhhhh! It’s beautiful! It drives me crazy!
Heracles:
It’s pure crap and you know it!
105
Dionysus:
Like Andromeda said, big brother, “you keep your thoughts in your skull and I’ll keep mine in my skull!”
Heracles:
They seem painfully “undelightful” to me! Totally artless!
Dionysus:
The only art you’ll ever know is the art of the gut! I’ll let you teach me about that later if you want but leave poetry to me!
Xanthias:
Still not a word!
(To the audience, pleading)
Not one single word about me! Oh, my shoulder! (Stretches and whirls it around. Kicks the donkey.)
Dionysus:
Now listen! The reason I’ve come to you wearing this get-up of yours is so that I’ll get to look like you and then you can tell me all about those friends of yours who looked after you when you went after that three-headed monster, Cerberus... Hades’ bouncer... Just in case I need those friends of yours when I get down there…
115
Xanthias:
(Exasperated, his shoulder aching, he stretches and whirls his arm around again. Yells to the audience.)
Oi! What about my shoulder?
(He makes an armpit fart. A second later his donkey farts in support).
Heracles:
(He shakes his head violently)
You’re mad, you silly little bastard, you’re mad! You wouldn’t wanna go down there too! You couldn’t!
Dionysus:
Drop the arguing. Just tell me the quick way I could get down there! To Hades! And I mean the quick way... just skip all those roads that are too hot or too cold!
Heracles:
All right then... let me see... which one should I suggest first? There’s the one where you’ll need a bench and a rope.... you... hang yourself and... tsoof, you’re there!
Dionysus:
(is repulsed by the thought)
Nanananananahhh! Toooo.... toooo hangy!
Heracles:
Well... there’s the shortcut... well worn, this one. The mortar and pestle.
Dionysus:
(He’s frightened by this one)
Ouch! You mean the hemlock?
Heracles:
Exactly.
125
Dionysus:
Brrrrrr! Nanananananananah! Too chilly! Freezey weezy! Chills your shins all the way up to your... (caresses his phallus)
Heracles:
Finds the perfect way!
Ah, huh!You want to know the fastest way down?
Dionysus:
By Zeus, yes! I hate walking around for ever.
Heracles:
Then you just walk a little bit. Just up to Keramicos.
Dionysus:
Yes?
Heracles:
Climb the high tower...
Dionysus:
Yes?
Heracles:
And wait for the torch race to begin.
Dionysus:
Yes, yes?
Heracles:
Well, as soon as you hear the crowd yell, “and they’re off” you get off, too!
Dionysus:
Get off? Get off to where?
Heracles:
What do you mean where? Down, of course! You jump!
Dionysus:
Oh, nononononononononoh! Boof! Two brain omelettes splattered everywhere! Wasteful! No, oh, no! I don’t think I want to take that little walk.
135
Heracles:
So what will you do then?
Dionysus:
I’ll go the way you went!
Heracles:
Wooooooow! That’s the longest way! It’s a huge trip that one.
(Sees that Dionysus looks determined and gives up.)
All right, then.Look: First you’ll come to a huuuuuge lake. An abyss, it is!
(sees that Dionysus doesn’t know the word)
That meansBottomless!
Donkey farts
Dionysus:
(Shifts in discomfort. Stretches and whirls his arm about like Xanthias did moments earlier.)
Sooooo... how do I get to the other side of that lake?
140
Heracles:
On a tiny boat, by a very old sailor. He’ll take a two-obol fare. Same as the fare to the theatre.
Dionysus:
Well, will you look at that! The power of two obols hey? Everywhere you go: two obols please, two obols please. But how did they get down there?
Heracles:
Theseus took them down there with him.
(Dionysus still doesn’t understand)
When he went down to bring Persephone up....
(Dionysus nods understanding and Heracles gets back to the directions.)
After you cross that lake, you’ll see millions of snakes and beasts and things that are too horrible to contemplate.
Dionysus:
(Shaking and stuttering with fear)
Now, now, big brother, don’t try to frighten me, or put me off, or anything! I’m not that easily shhhhscared!
Alternate farts from Xanthias and the Donkey.
Heracles:
All right then.
Then, let’s see. What’s next? Ah! Then you’ll see a huge swamp. Mud and shit everywhere; but everywhere! That’s where they drown all the nasty people. You know, the ones who’ve wronged a stranger, say, or ran off without paying the boy they screwed, or beaten his parents. Those who swore a false oath, or got someone to plagiarise Aeschylus’ grand-nephew, Morsimus.
(pinches his nose)
Talk about bad poetry! Pooh!
Dionysus:
(In agreement about Morsimus)
And, by the gods, we should also throw in there anyone who’s learnt that awful war dance by Kinesias! Awful! Awful! Totally awful! Crap!
(Spits in disgust)
Heracles:
The next thing that’ll happen is that you’ll hear a lovely breath of pipes floating all around your ears and then the most delightful sunlight will flood your eyeballs... just like here, on earth and there’ll be myrtles and groups of happy men and women, all clapping their hands together.
Dionysus:
And who are these people?
Heracles:
The Initiates.
Xanthias:
(Angry)
Huh! The Initiates! The sacred mysteries! The only part played by the donkey and where the slave plays the part of the carrying of the burdens! The mysteries! Here’s what I think of them! Never again!
(Throws down the luggage, making a loud noise.)
160
Heracles:
(Takes no notice of Xanthias’ tantrum)
Well, these Initiates will tell you all you need to know about your journey. They live very close by the road you’ll be taking. They’re next to Pluto’s palace gates... Oh well, all the best, little brother! Good Luck!
Heracles waves good bye and goes inside.
Dionysus:
(responds to Heracles)
Thanks, big brother. You, too!
(Turns to Xanthias and shouts angrily:)
Pick up that luggage!
165
Xanthias:
But I’ve barely put it down!
Dionysus:
Quickly!
Xanthias:
Boss, please, no! Please go and find someone else to hire. Someone who’s already carked it. He’d be heading in your direction anyway! Please? I beg you!
Dionysus:
Suuuuure! And if I don’t find anyone?
Xanthias:
Then you can come back and take me if you want!
Stage right enter a funeral procession. Pall bearers are carrying a bier with a corpse on it. Its phallus is hanging limp over the side of the bier.
Dionysus:
(To Xanthias).
You’re right! And look, speak of the corpse, here’s one now.
(Approaches the bier and calls out at the corpse)
Hey, you, corpsey! Corpseycums!
Corpse:
(Corpse raises his head from the bier)
Yeeeeees?
Dionysus:
You wanna carry some luggage down to Hades?
Corpse:
What sort of luggage?
Dionysus:
(Indicates his luggage)
This stuff here.
Corpse:
Got two drachmas?
Dionysus:
Two drachs? Certainly not! By Zeus! The cheek!
Corpse:
(Corpse lies down again. To his bearers)
On our way boys!
175
Dionysus:
All right. All right! Hang on a minute! Hang on, damn it! Maybe we can come to some agreement.
Corpse:
(Corpse raises his head again)
Two drachs! Put up or shut up!
Dionysus:
One and a half drachmas! Nine obols!
Corpse:
(Indicates earth)
I’d rather go back up!
(Corpse lies down again and is carried away.)
Xanthias:
(Annoyed)
Oooooh how very stern, how solemn, how very tightarsed our little corpsey is! Very grave indeed! Curses and piss upon your grave you arrogant bundle of bones
(Picks up the luggage)
All right then I’ll come down with you, boss!
Dionysus:
Ahhhh, but you’re such a good boy, my little Xanthias! So useful, so... nobly born! Let’s go to the boat.
SCENE TWO
180
Charon:
(Off stage)
Woaaaah, there! Pull her by the side, boy!
Dionysus:
(Turning about trying to identify the voice.)
What’s that?
Xanthias:
(Walks to the side of the stage and looks deep into off stage. Comes back)
That? Oh, that’s a lake.
Dionysus:
By Zeus! It is, too.
The very
Xanthias:
By the great Poseidon! And there’s Charon himself, as well! Woooooooah!
Dionysus:
Hi, Charon!
Xanthias:
Hi, Charonicums!
Dionysus and Xanthias:
(together, louder)
Hi, Charon! Charicums!
Charon enters with his boat, a young boy at the tiller (optional)
185
Charon:
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Who’s for the “Coast of No Cares and Concerns?” “The Plain of Eternal Sleep?” The “Ropes of Ocnos,” anyone? “Cerberos’ Palace?” “The Crows of Taenaron?”
Dionysus:
Me! Me! Me!
Charon:
Come on, then! Hurry aboard! Come on!
Dionysus:
Errrr, hold on! Where are you off to? “Perdition?”
Charon:
“Perdition” it is!
Dionysus:
Really?
Charon:
Yeah, sure. Just for you. Come on, get in!
Dionysus:
(To Xanthias)
Come on my boy!
Charon:
Oh no you don’t! I don’t take slaves aboard. Not unless they fought for their carcass and
the carcass of
Xanthias:
But... by Zeus, I would have gone you know, I volunteered, but...
(quickly lifts one eyelid above his eye to make it look as if it’s diseased, or looks cross-eyed)
but I had problems with my eyes! They wouldn’t take me!
Charon:
Can you run around the lake, then?
Xanthias:
Sure. Where shall I wait for you?
Charon:
Near the Withering Stone, at the benches. You can rest there.
Dionysus:
(To Xanthias)
Got that?
Xanthias:
Totally! Damn my luck! Who crossed my path when I got out of house this morning?
Exit Xanthias dragging his donkey stage left. A final fart from the donkey as it disappears behind the curtains.
Charon:
(To Dionysus)
On the oar with you!
(Dionysus takes his club, gets aboard and sits down. Charon looks around for more customers)
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Who’s sailing? Hurry, hurry, hurry!
(To Dionysus)
Oi, you! What are you up to? What are you doing?
Dionysus:
What do you mean? What else could I be doing? I’m doing what you told me to be doing: Sitting on the oar is what I’m doing! Isn’t that what you’ve asked me to be doing?
200
Charon:
Not on the oar, fatso! Here! Could you just sit right here?
Dionysus:
(Shifts)
Done!
Charon:
Now can you stretch out these arms of yours? Like so?
Dionysus:
(Whirls them as he did earlier. Arm pit fart ensues.)
Done!
Charon:
Stop mucking about!
Places the oar in his hands
There! Push your feet against that bit there and pull at the oar! Hard now! Pull!
Dionysus:
Pull, he says! How on earth can I do that? What experience do I have of such
things? None in the open seas none in
the tight sea battles. Do you think I’m
one of those who fought at
Charon:
Stop winging; it’s easy. Come on, and the moment your oar hits the water you’ll hear some real nice songs. They’ll guide you.
Dionysus:
Songs? Whose songs are they?
Charon:
The songs of the Frog Swans... errr Swan Frogs... Swans that look like frogs. Most charming!
Dionysus:
All right then, give me the word!
Charon:
Ooooooo-opah! Oooooooo-opah!
From both sides of the stage enter a group of Frogs and, while the boat is being pulled around the stage, they dance around it singing: (Lines are sung or declaimed individually and alternately by single frogs)
Frogs:
Vrekekekex koax koax,
vrekekekex koax koax!
We, the children of the lakes and the bubbly springs
In harmony!
Let’s sing,
Vrekekekex koax koax,
vrekekekex koax koax!
Oh, let’s lift our voices to a hymn</