ARISTOPHANES’
Date of 1st production 414 BC
Awarded the 2nd prize
TRANSLATED BY
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Pistheteros Athenian
Euelpides His friend
Xanthias}
Manes } Slaves of Pistheteros (mute)
Bushcock A Bird, ex human (also known as Hoopoe)
Trohilos His servant
Iris Goddess of the Rainbow, a bird.
Nightingale
Princess (mute)
A Priest
A Poet
Cinesias Another poet
An Oracle seller
Meton A famous mathematician
A Law Seller
An Inspector
An Informer
A Recalcitrant Youth
A Herald
Prometheus Demigod, friend of humans
Herakles
Poseidon
Triballos God of the Barbarians
Two Attendants to Bushcock (mute)
A Young Boy, (bird) carrying a ceremonial phallus.
The director is advised that here, Aristophanes gives us ample opportunity to name our own birds as well as their number. I’ve chosen to use some of the native Australian names but one is certainly not to take the attire of these birds too dogmatically. The point is to fill the stage with great colour and movement. Actors may, of course, be allocated multiple bird roles.
|
Corella |
Bushtucker Bird |
Blue Tit |
|
Drongo |
Goose |
Male Love Bird |
|
Gum Cock |
Duck |
Female Love Bird |
|
Flamingo |
Halcyon |
Red Throat |
|
Persian Cock |
Bush Barber |
Gang-Gang Cockatoo |
|
Second Bushcock |
Cockeyed owl |
Laughing Turtle Dove |
|
Garbage Guts |
Red Tit |
Shrub Lark |
|
Grass Bird |
Cockatoo |
Riffle Bird |
|
Boobook Owl |
Mudnester Cock |
Cat Bird |
|
Redneck |
Guzzler |
|
|
Rufous Whistler |
Fig Bird |
|
ACT I
The stage shows a deserted, isolated country. Far Stage Left is a solitary tree, short but with thick enough foliage to hide an entrance into a cliff. The cliff is large enough for “birds” to sit upon and still be clearly visible by the audience. Eventually, a wall will appear behind this cliff.
This cliff begins “life” as the Bushcock’s house but eventually it will be used by the protagonists of the play.
A small stone (about as big as a fist) is hidden behind the tree. Pistheteros will look for it later and hit at the cliff with it. He should be able to create some sort of audible noise with it. (see line 56)
It is a hot, sunny day.
Before the actors appear we hear the sounds of all sorts of birds. These sounds are attacked by the noise made by the items that the slaves are carrying which, as we will see shortly, are all sorts of pots, pans, blankets, a huge basket, as well as some branches of myrtle. They are the objects which people who wish to found cities take with them.
Pause.
Fade out bird sounds. Only the noise made by the four men and their birds
Pause
Enter EUELPIDESLPIDES and PISTHETEROS, followed by Pistheteros’ slaves, XANTHIAS and MANES and, attached by a rope to Euelpides, a bird, a Corella and to Pistheteros, a Drongo.
All men are wearing one sandal each and MANES is heavily dressed with a sheep skin coat and a cape.
Euelpides:
So, it’s straight ahead this time, is it?
Towards that tree?
Over there?
Further agreement but then the drongo attached to his mate’s arm makes contrary gestures.
Pistheteros:
Will you ever shut up? What now?
Drongo makes more gestures indicating reverse direction.
To Euelpides:
This one is croaking for us to go back, Euelpides!!
Euelpides:
You mongrel of a bird! You’ve made us go up and down, up and down and ‘round and ‘round in never-ending and utterly useless bloody circles! We’re either lost now or we’re about to be imminently and, most probably, fatally lost! Bloody Corellas! Where did you come from?
Pistheteros:
And me, too! What an idiot I was, listening to a drongo! We must have travelled at least a thousand stadia!
Euelpides:
Me, too, Pistheteros! Fancy listening to this moronic bird brain! I must have pounded away all the flesh out of my toes! Shows his bare foot; so do the slaves. Look, even my toe nails are gone!
Pistheteros:
Euelpides, mate? I can’t even guess where we are! Do you think you could find your way back home from here?
10
Euelpides:
Looks at his slaves for a possible answer. They shrug their shoulders and shift their loads.
Nah! Not even our most famous refugee, our harp playing Exikesteidis could do that and he found his way through all the layers of our Athenian bureaucracy to get himself a citizenship, no less and into the best positions of the country, to boot!
Pistheteros:
Corella bites Pistheteros: on the bum.
Damn you! Stop that!
Euelpides:
To his friend
You take that road, mate!
Pistheteros:
We just had to believe that bird seller, Philokrates, didn’t we? And we just had to go looking for Tereus, didn’t we? Well, miserable old Philokrates says, “take these two birds and they’ll lead you there!” One obol for this useless, shortie and three for yours! And what can they do? All they can do is bite! Damned things!
Of course, we still want to meet Tereus. He’s turned himself into a bird, all full of feathers and beaks. A real cock of a bird, a Bushcock!
Corella tries to bite him again.
What? What now?
Birds makes noises and gestures to indicate a direction
What? Do you want to go up that cliff? How can we you idiot? There’s no path to it!
Euelpides
Adds his opinion
That’s right. There’s no path. By Zeus, it’s a dead end, damn you! At least I can’t see one from here!
Euelpides:
What about your drongo? Is it saying anything?
Pistheteros:
Looks at the drongo whose gestures are incomprehensible and threatens to smack him.
By Zeus! This idiot has changed his mind again.
25
Euelpides:
What is he saying about our directions?
Pistheteros:
Directions? Nothing about directions. Only that he’s going bite my fingers off!
Euelpides:
What a Zeus-awful bloody thing this is, ey Pistheteros? Here we are, ready and able to travel to the end of life itself –to perdition, even- and we can’t even find the way to it!
We’re suffering the exact opposite to what the Skythian refugee, Saka, has suffered. He, a foreigner, tried so hard to get into our city whereas we, born, bred and raised Athenians, men who no one could throw out of there, now we’re trying so hard to get out of there… and as fast as our legs can take us, but…
Not that we hate
On one hand you have the cicadas singing at the branches of trees for a month or two and on the other you have the Athenians singing in the branches of the courts for their whole lives!
And so that’s why we’ve hit the road.
And we’re fully equipped, too! Basket, myrtle, pots, pans… just like those pioneers who go and start off cities everywhere.
We’ve been looking all over the world for a nice, quiet, tranquil slow-paced place to put our feet and tent up and settle down.
We’re looking for Tereus, really, the Bushcock. We want to ask him if with all this flying he does, has he ever come across such a city?
The drongo is poking at Pistheteros and gesturing for him to look up high.
Pistheteros:
Hang on a minute, Euelpides!
Euelpides:
What’s up?
Pistheteros:
I don’t know. This drongo-brain of a bird is asking me to look up again.
Euelpides:
My Corella is doing the same as well. She’s opening her beak as if she’s trying to show me something. There must be some birds around here. Let’s make a noise and see.
The slaves begin to hammer at the pots and pans while everyone else is looking up.
Suddenly a blob of bird-shit hits Euelpides on the face.
Pistheteros:
Laughs. Then,
You know, we should hit that rock with our feet. It would make much more noise!
55
Euelpides:
Wiping the bird-shit off his face.
You know, you should hit it with your head. It’ll make twice the noise!
Pistheteros:
Come on, just take a rock and hit the bloody thing!
Euelpides:
As you please!
Looks around for a rock, finds it behind the tree and begins to hit the cliff with it.
Hey, boy! Helooooo, Boy!
Pistheteros:
Shocked
Boy? Boy? What’s this “boy” business? You don’t call a Bushcock, “boy!”
You yell, like this: Cooooooooo-eee, Cooooooooo-ee, Cooooo-eeee! “Boy!”
Euelpides:
All right, I’ll do it again then.
Coooo-eeeee! Coooo-eeeee! Coooo-eeeee!
Come on out, Bushcocky! Come on, baby! Coooo-eeeee! Coooo-eeeee! Come on darling!
From the foliage appears a huge bird whose beak is grotesquely huge. It makes a loud, annoyed and frightening noise as he first ruffles the foliage for a few seconds and then makes his appearance. Most of his feathers are missing and the rest are in bad repair
60
Trohilos:
Annoyed
Who is it? Who is calling my boss?
All four men fall down with fear. The slaves fart.
At this the two birds dismantle their fetters and run off. This, in turn, frightens Trohilos who thinks the men are bird hunters. All humans get up and, trembling with fear, spin around each other on the stage.
Pistheteros:
Oh my Gorrrrrrrrrrd! Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! By Apollo! Woaaa!
To Euelpides
Look at that beak, will you! Woaaa! What a deeeep throat!
Trohilos:
Also frightened
Oooooh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Bird hunters! Oh me, oh my! Oh my goody, goody Zeusy! By Apollo! Bird hunters! Oh, no!
Pistheteros:
Also trembling. To Trohilos:
What a dreadful thing to say! And so dreadfully said!
Tohilos:
Right, you two! You’re dead meat!
Pistheteros:
Still nervous
Meat? Meat? Ohhh! You think we’re men! Ohhhh, nononononono!
Nervously
Hahahahaha! Ohhhhhhh, nonononononononono!
Trohilos:
Well, what are you then?
65
Pistheteros:
Me? I…I’m a bird! A… shaker, of course! No, I’m a faker! No, I’m a trembler. Yes, a Trembler. See? I tremble a lot. Yep, I’m a trembler from… errrrr.
Trying to think of some exotic place
from
Trohilos:
Nonsense!
Pistheteros:
What do you mean, nonsense? Why don’t you ask about what’s all around my legs?
Shakes them to show that he had shat himself from fear.
Trohilos:
Ha! And him? What sort of bird is he then? Go on, speak up!
Euelpides:
Who me? I… I’m a…
Xanthias and his friend, Manes, who happened to be directly behind him wave their hands vigorously and pinch their noses, indicating that Euelpides had also shat himself.
I’m a poo-poo bird! Pheasant variety. Poo-poo bird. That’s me!
Tries to make his mating call:
Pooooo! Poooooo! Pooooo!
Xanthias confirms with nod and other appropriate gestures
Pistheteros:
What about you, you ugly beast? What sort of a bird are you, by the gods?
Trohilos:
Oh, I’m a slave bird.
70
Euelpides:
Indicating the slave bird’s plumage
Must have been beaten up by some huge cock or other, hey? Is that how you became a slave bird?
Trohilos:
Oh no! No. It’s just that when my boss became a Bushcock, well, he prayed to have me become a bird as well, so that he could have a servant to wait on him.
Pistheteros:
Do the birds need servants as well?
75
Trohilos:
No, not really. But my boss was a man once, you see? So, sometimes he gets a craving for say, sardines from Faliros. Well, off I run with a bucket to get him some. If he wants lentils, I come back with a ladle and a pot.
Pistheteros:
So, are you a bird or a wheelbarrow? Hahahaha! You know what, Mr Wheelbarrow? Go and wheel your master out here!
Trohilos:
Oh, I couldn’t do that! Oh, nononononono! He’s only just finished eating his myrtle berries and his gnats. He’s gone off for his little siesta now.
Pistheteros:
Angrily
Go and get him! Wake him up!
Trohilos:
Oh, I know he won’t like that at all…
Pistheteros gives him another angry look which intimidates Trohilos
Oh, all right, then! I’ll do just this one favour for you!
He enters the cliff through the shrub.
85
Pistheteros:
At Trohilos’ back.
Damn you, bird! You’ve scared the… pants off me!
Smacks the rear of his pants and make gestures of displeasure about its contents
Euelpides:
Damn!
Looks around him
And my damned Corella ran off in fear!
Pistheteros:
Did you let your Corella go? What a frightened little beastie you are!
Mocks him.
Chook, chook, chook, chook!
Euelpides:
And you? What about you? Tell me! Did you not let go of your drongo when you fell on your frightened little bum?
Pistheteros:
I did NOT! By Zeus, no! No way!
Euelpides:
So, where is he then?
90
Pistheteros:
Where? He… flew off!
Euelpides:
So, you didn’t let him go, huh? What a brave cock you are!
Trohilos and a couple of other slaves (body guards) come out through the shrub and wait for their master. The bodyguards (also birds) are armed variously.
Bushcock:
From behind the bush. Thunderous, annoyed voice.
Open this bush wiiiiiiiiiide! Wiiiiiiiider! Wiiiiiiiiiider! Let me through! Ugh!
The slaves rush about to oblige and to hold the foliage back. The Bushcock comes out, enormous phallus first which is pitifully touching the ground. His feathers are almost all gone and his head is also exaggerated in size. His beak is large and twisted like that of all his slaves. He has a triple crest but also a despondent one. Yawns loudly.
Pistheteros:
Looks at his enormous phallus
By Herakles! Whhhhhat sort of beast are you?
Initial fear subsides and he begins to laugh. The others join in.
And what sort of… plumage is this? Whoa, look at the triple crest!
95
Bushcock:
Thunderously still
Who is looking for me? Who are you?
Euelpides:
All of the twelve gods… must have smacked you around quite a bit, hey Bushcock?
Bushcock:
Sadly
Oh! You’re mocking me for my feathers, are you? Ah, my friends! If only you knew! If only you knew! Let me tell you: I was a human once! A man! Me!
Pistheteros:
Feeling sorry for the Bushcock
Eh…Oh, no! Ehhhh… Oh no! We’re not laughing at you!
Bushcock:
What are you laughing at then?
Euelpides:
Errrr… Your beak. It’s a little on the funny side, don’t you think?
100
Bushcock:
You see? You see? That’s just how Sophocles portrays me in his tragedies! He makes an absolute mess of my portrayal as Tereus! Oh, the shame! The indignity!
Pistheteros:
So, you’re Tereus, then, hey? Bird or Peacock?
Bushcock:
Bird.
Euelpides:
Well, where are your feathers then?
Bushcock:
Gone.
Euelpides:
Gone? Flew away? How? Ill wind? Disease of some sort?
105
Bushcock:
No! All birds lose their feathers during winter. Then, in Summer we grow new ones… But tell me, who are you?
Pistheteros:
Us? We’re mortals.
Bushcock:
Which country?
Pistheteros:
The country that has the best warships. The greatest triremes.
Bushcock:
Oh,
no! Not
Euelpides:
Oh no! Quite the contrary. We’re a couple of men who hate those who love doing jury service!
110
Bushcock:
Do they sow such a seed down there?
Euelpides:
Just a little bit… If you go out into the paddocks a bit.
Bushcock:
So… what brought you here?
Pistheteros:
We’d like to talk with you.
Bushcock:
With me? About what?
Pistheteros:
Well, you were a man, once, right? Just like us!
And you use to owe money, once right? Just like us!
And, instead of paying it back, you enjoyed spending it, right? Just like us!
Then, when you changed into a bird, you flew all over the place –sea and land- and got to know the ways and thoughts of both men and birds, right?
That’s why we came to you. We’d like to ask you if you could find us some lovely little city where we can lie down, settle down, blanket down as if we were on a lovely woolly rug.
Bushcock:
Thinks for a bit
Hmmm. Are you after a bigger city than
Pistheteros:
Oh, no! Just more… comfy for us.
Bushcock:
And I suppose you’d be after an aristocratic set up.
125
Pistheteros:
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no! Even the name Aristokrates, Scelias’ son, brings the puke out of me!
Bushcock:
Well, what sort of a city are you after then?
Pistheteros:
A city where the biggest things to worry about are this sort: A man comes to my door, say, bright and early and says to me, “By Zeus the Olympian, Pistheteros! I’m having a wedding feast tonight and I’d like to invite you over. Could you do me the honours of having a bath early this evening and coming over with your family? Do so, please or else, don’t bother coming to see me when things go down hill in my life!”
135
Bushcock:
Chuckles
I can see you love the hard life.
And you?
Euelpides:
Same sort of stuff.
Bushcock:
Meaning?
Euelpides:
Meaning? Ahhhh! Let’s see! The father of a beautiful, young, absolute blossom of a boy meets me in the street and he gets angry at me and says, “What a way to treat my son, you, you… cock polisher? What sort of friend are you? You saw him as he had just come out of the wrestling ring, all sparkling, all clean and ready for it and yet you went right past him. Not even a word, no kisses, no hugs, no fondling of his balls, nothing! What sort of a family friend are you!”
Bushcock:
Chuckles again
Poor old bastard! I can see you love the hard life, too! Well, actually, there IS such a happy place: Near the Red Sea.
Euelpides:
Oh, nonononono! Not by the sea! Oh nonononono! Good Zeusy Zeus no!
The Athenians will send their tax-loving boat, their Salaminia, one fine morning, nab me and tell me “you haven’t paid your taxes, mister! Pay up now!” Oh, nononono! Errrr, Don’t you know of any Greek cities?
149
Bushcock:
Well,
what about Leprous, near
150
Euelpides:
Nah, Melanthious, that leper of a poet put me off Leprous. I must say, I’ve never been there but Melanthius has definitely put me off the place. Definitely! Tragic Poet, that one! Tragic in many ways!
Bushcock:
Well then… the Opuntians have a lovely city… near Locris. Why don’t you go and live with them?
Euelpides:
Nah, Opuntius, the one eyed informer put me off their whole race! No thanks, not even for a talent of gold! Forget it!
155
Pistheteros:
Errrr… How’s life here, amongst the birds, though? You’d know this better than anyone.
Bushcock:
Not bad, really, once you get used to it. No need for a wallet around here, that’s for sure!
Euelpides:
Ah ha! And so, you subtract life’s most abominable abomination out of life’s equation! Delightful!
Bushcock:
Then, we’ve got gardens full of white sesame, myrtle berries, mint, poppy seeds…all the stuff Athenians use in their festivals, if I remember correctly.
161
Euelpides:
Woaaaaa! You lot live the life of newlyweds!
Pistheteros:
“Woaaa,” nothing! It just dawned on me! I can see a real good deal here for all the birds! And it’s all totally achievable –IF you trust me that is! Woaaaa!
Bushcock:
Trust you? Trust you about what?
Pistheteros:
Trust me about what? Well, let me tell you, Bushcock: Let’s see. Firstly, for goodness’ sake, don’t go flying all about and round and round gaping and gawking at everything! Damned unattractive stuff that, yeah? Quite despicable let me tell you! We, humans have a scenario for that: If you’d point out at one of those flighty characters and ask someone like… say, our greedy and gluttonous Treasurer, Teleas, for example, “Teleas, who is that man over there?” he’d say, “that man’s a real bird! Never at one place, never at one idea, thoroughly unstable!”
171
Bushcock:
You’re absolutely right, by Dionysus! So, what should we do?
Pistheteros:
Build a city and live in it!
Bushcock:
We’re birds, not humans! What sort of a city can birds build?
Pistheteros:
Idiot! Bird-brain! What a stupid statement to make! Look down, you!
Bushcock:
Does so
Yeah?
Pistheteros:
Now look up!
Bushcock:
Obeys
Yeah?
Pistheteros:
Now turn your head around! Right around!
Bushcock:
By Zeus! What a joke it would be if I wrung my own neck like this!
Pistheteros:
So… what did you see?
Bushcock:
The clouds and the sky!
Some bird dropping falls on the Bushcock’s head.
Pistheteros:
Laughs along with everyone else while Bushcock cleans himself.
Pause
So? Think, man! Is this not the birds’ territory?
Bushcock:
Territory? What’s a territory?
180
Pistheteros:
Sort of like a country. But because everything is moving around and everything goes through it, and because nothing is sitting still, it’s just a space, a territory. But if you put up fences and walls and gates and things all around it, then it will become your city, your country and, just as now you rule over the locusts, you’ll then also rule over men… and then you do to the gods what Nicias did to the Melians… starve them all to death, create a real famine! Bang! Complete Theocide!
187
Bushcock:
How do we do that?
Pistheteros:
Look!
Between Earth and the gods is air, right?
Well, look, if we from
Bushcock:
Woaa! Earth, traps, clouds, nets! I’ve never heard such elegant ideas before! Now if the other birds are in agreement with you, I’d like to join you and live with you in this city!
Pistheteros:
And who’s going to introduce this idea to them?
Bushcock:
You will. They understand the language now. I’ve been with them now for a long time. I had time to teach them the language and get them out of all their barbarisms.
201
Pistheteros:
Can you call them all here?
Bushcock:
That’s easy. I’ll just go in that bush there… right now… I’ll wake up my little nightingale, Procne and then, we’ll call them all together. As soon as they hear our voices, they’ll come running.
206
Pistheteros:
Pushes the Bushcock urgently towards the bush.
My dear, dear feathered friend! I beg you. Go quickly to that bush and wake up that little nightingale of yours!
Bushcock climbs onto the cliff and begins to call
Bushcock:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Wakey, wakey, my sweet little lover, you!
Wakey, wakey and let loose your sacred and enchanting song,
That grieving song for our son forlorn, Itys,
Dead but we mourn him still.
Let the crystal melodies pour out from your honey-coloured throat.
Voice of female bird emanates from behind stage left.
Female Bird:
Lyrically
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Bushcock:
Your sound is a sound that rises clear and bright through the
Curly foliage of your delicious bush
All the way to the throne of Zeus.
Golden haired Apollo up there will hear your woes and
He will hit the cords of his gold and ivory harp to give
The gods their dancing feet.
And then, all together the voices of the blessed
Immortals will burst forth in abundance.
Voice of another bird:
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Bushcock:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Approach my darling winged friends!
All you who feed on the seeds of the well-sown paddocks. All you endless races! Barley eaters, seed of all sorts eaters, soft-voiced, fast-winged birds. All those of you who gather round the furrows of the tilled soil and sing with your light joyful cords. Come here!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Voice of yet a bird:
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Euelpides:
Ahhh! Oh, my Lord, Zeus! What a lovely voice that little bird has! It’s filled that whole shrub with honey!
Pistheteros:
Angry
Oi!
Euelpides:
What?
Pistheteros:
Won’t you just shut up for a minute?
225
Euelpides:
Why? What’s up?
Pistheteros:
The Bushcock is getting ready for another call!
The Bushcock is now calling in all directions, to all birds.
Bushcock:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Birds of all feathers, come! Come out here birds of all voices!
All you birds who fly over the well-sown farms!
All you who love your barley,
All you who know your seeds
All you fast-flyers whose call is light and soft,
All you who love to fly over the soft clumps of soil
Again and again and sing this song with delight:
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Come, all of you whose feeding grounds are
Gardens of Ivy. Birds whose morsels are the bush olives
And
The strawberry of the hilly shrub
Come, come, come now all of you, all at once!
244
And
All of you, too, my friends, who chase the stinging
Mozzies
Of the billabongs and gobble them all up
And
All you, my friends, who live in the cool waters
Of
the blessed
And
You! Yes you! The bird with the bright and pretty feathers
Such colours!
Come
You, partridge of the lake,
Come!
250
And
All you, my friends, who share the air above the
Frothy seas with the halcyon;
Birds of the seas! Birds of the long necks!
Come here and learn from me the latest news!
A man is here,
He’s just arrived,
An old man but a man with a very sharp wit
One who has new ideas
One who does new sorts of things!
Bushcock jumps behind the cliff and disappears.
Everyone on the stage is shocked by Bushcock’s flight. They look around for him and for all the birds he was calling. Euelpides is staring at the sky with his mouth wide open. As each bird appears on the stage, he goes and sits around the cliff and waits. They are all armed variously. Spears, shields, helmets in their hands etc. The dominant feature of their presence is the brightness of their feathers and their bellicosity. It must not be forgotten also that the male birds among them should have the red leather phallus strapped around their waist.
Pistheteros:
Can you see any birds?
Euelpides:
Nah… Ouch, my neck! All this gawking… right around the whole sky and… nah! Nothing!
Pistheteros:
Looks like the Bushcock did what the chicken cock does all day long: runs off into his coop and cock-a-dooddle-cocks for nothing! For no reason at all!
Bushcock emerges suddenly from behind them. He calls out “Boo!” which frightens the four men.
Bushcock:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee! Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
A bright red, big-breasted Flamingo walks in as would a modern fashion model walk on a cat walk.
Euelpides:
Woohooooo! look at this little chick heading our way!
Pistheteros:
Oh, yeah! By Zeus, that’s a real bird, all right but I wonder what it could be… do you think it’s a peacock, maybe?
270
Euelpides:
Bushcock, our host, here will answer that question.
To Bushcock
What sort of bird is that, Bushcock?
Bushcock:
Sighs lustily.
Ah, that’s a very unusual bird, that one. Very rare. Very rare indeed!
It’s not one of those birds common to the human eye, that one. That’s a bird of the wet beds, I mean wet lands!
Euelpides:
Looks at Bushcock, receives his vibes and concurs. Sighs likewise.
Ah, and what a bright red colour her… feathers are! Like fire! Very bright, indeed!
Bushcock:
Of course, that’s why she’s called a “flaming go!”
The Persian Cock appears, also showing off his plumage and his extra long, extra red phallus. His comb is also tall and stands stiffly erect. He is in full armour but as he enters he sees the Flamingo, throws his armour off and, with a sudden movement, grabs her, drags her to the cliff and ravages her.
Euelpides:
Hey… Look at that, Pissy!
Pistheteros:
What?
Euelpides:
Up there! Another bird! Hahahaha!
275
Pistheteros:
Yep… And what strange… colours he has too!
Hey… who’s this strange bird up there, who likes his climbing and acts like a… musical oracle?
Bushcock:
The name of that bird there is Persian Cock.
Euelpides:
Persian Cock, ey? Persian Cock! Good Herakles! How on earth did he manage to get here without a camel?
Another bird, a second Bushcock, appears on top of the cliff. His phallus is tiny and obeisant to gravity. He looks much like the main Bushcock. His bellicosity looks ludicrous, considering his diminutive stature and the direction of his phallus. He goes and stands guard next to the mating birds as if to protect them.
Pistheteros:
Here’s another one! Already grabbed a spot for himself on the cliff!
280
Euelpides:
Good Herakles! What a sad beast! Aren’t you the only Bushcock around here? Who is this bird that looks exactly like you?
Bushcock:
Ah, that’s my little grandson. Son of my son Philocles. You know how we name our kids: Hipponicus, son of Callias; Callias, son of Hipponicus and so on and on, for many generations.
Pistheteros:
So, that little bird over there is Callias, hey?
He sure lost a lot of… his feathers, hasn’t he?
Bushcock:
Yeah! Sad case this one. Five generations of wealth all plucked out of him by the sycophants and the pretty girls! Pluck, pluck, pluck! Nothing left now, almost all gone. Five generations of good sturdy stuff!
Euelpides:
By Poseidon! Look at the colours this bird is painted with! What do you call this one?
Bushcock:
Oh, him! That’s Garbage Guts! Eats everything. Constantly!
Pistheteros:
So there’s another garbage guts apart from our own slob Cleonymus?
Garbage Guts pecks all around the stage until he eventually gets to the top of the cliff and pecks the Persian Cock’s raised bum.
Euelpides:
Ha! If that were our own Cleonymus he’d have thrown his crest away ages ago.
Mimics the fat, notoriously gay, Cleonymus on the battlefield as he’s running away from the battlefield and throwing his shield away.
“Oh, please, please don’t catch me! Don’t take me, take my shield instead!”
Pistheteros:
Hey, Bushcock? What’s with all the huge crests? Are they about to give us a full armour parade?
Bushcock:
No, not al all, my friends. You know how the Carians have invented the crest on their helmet? And that they live on mountaintops and on the crests of hills? That’s where these birds got the idea from. Because they, too live on the crests of hills.
Suddenly a whole lot of birds appear noisily from everywhere. From both wings of the stage and, if possible also from the fly and from within the auditorium. The four men are startled by all this commotion. The birds whiz around the humans angrily, wings flapping furiously and glare at them belligerently. The slaves drop their pots and pans and hide behind Euelpides:, while he, in turn, hides behind Pistheteros who, in turn, hides behind Bushcock.
Pistheteros:
To Euelpides:
By Poseidon! Will you look at that! A full catastrophe of birds! Yikes! They’re everywhere! Ooooo! Good Lord Poseidon, help me!
Euelpides:
Good Lord Apollo, help me! Clouds and clouds of them! Oi, oi,oi,oi,oi! Oh my, my, my, my, my, my! Where are they all coming from? There are so many of them!
Pistheteros:
That’s a Bushtucker Bird, there.
Euelpides:
A goose goes past them and acts stupidly.
And that one there must be a Goose, by Zeus!
Pistheteros:
…and that’s a duck… of sorts
Euelpides:
…and a halcyon…
Pistheteros:
Halcyon ey? And what’s behind the halcyon?
Euelpides:
That’s a Bush Barber!
Pistheteros:
You don’t mean to say that that bird there can give you a haircut?
Euelpides:
I wonder if he’s any better than our own barber, Sporgilus! Ah! And there’s a Cockeyed owl!
Pistheteros:
Now who would have brought an owl to
Euelpides:
Laughing turtle dove. Gum Cock. Shrub Lark. Grass Bird. Boobook Owl. Redneck. Redtit, Bluetit. Rufous Whistler. Cockatoo. Mudnester Cock. Red throat. Deep throat. Guzzler. Fig Bird. Love Bird(male). Love Bird (female). Gang-Gang Cockatoo. Riflebird. Green Catbird.
305
Pistheteros:
Oh, me, oh my! Ohhhhhhh my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my! Look at all them birds! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Look at all the little black birds, screeching and spinning about… I think they’re trying to frighten us! Look at how wide they open their beaks… and they’re staring at us!
Euelpides:
Yeah, that’s what I think, too! They’re definitely staring at us!
Gum Cock:
Who-who-who-who called me? Wwwwhere is he pppp-perched?
Bushcock:
Here I am, Gum Cock and so happy to be among friends!
Gum Cock:
Ssssss so whhhat words do you have tttttttto say to your fffffffriends?
Bushcock:
Words that are good for us all! Words that will benefit us with obtaining security, with obtaining our Birds’ Rights and with becoming a happier community!
A couple of men came to visit me, men who have a very subtle mind.
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
Where? How? What are you on about?
320
Bushcock:
I’m on about this, Gang-gang Cockatoo: Two old men have arrived here with the seed of a great idea for us!
Gum Cock:
Oh, dddddddear, dddddddear me! You’ve mmm-made the bbbb-biggest blue I’ve ever ssss-seen in my whole llll-life!
Bushcock:
Hang on, hang on, Gum Cock! Don’t be such a chook!
The sound of an outraged chicken.
Gum Cock:
Wwwwwwhat have you done to us?
Bushcock:
What have I done to you? I’ve received here two men who happened to love our society passionately.
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
What a thing to do!
325
Bushcock:
Sure and happy to have done it, too, Gang-gang Cockatoo!
Redneck:
And these men are here, among us now?
Bushcock:
Am I among you, Redneck? Of course they’re among us!
Gum Cock:
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh no!
Treachery! Defilement!
Redneck
Coming closer and staring at the men.
Oh yes! Pollution! Our friend who shared our fields
trampled upon our ancient laws! Pollution, I say! Pollution!
Redtit:
And he broke all our fowl oaths, too!
Bluetit:
He lured us all here and threw us into the hands of this unholy race!
Cockeyed Owl:
They’ve been fed and nurtured to be our sworn enemies, that lot!
336
Gum Cock:
Right! We’ll sss-settle matters with Bbb-bushcock later but for now, let’s get a bit of jjjj-justice out of these two old men… let’s tear them up! Llll-limb to llll-limb!
Bushcock withdraws quietly to his cave from whence he’ll emerge later in full armour.
Pistheteros:
Oh, no! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Dear Zeusy! We’re dead meat now, that’s for sure!
Euelpides:
Damn you Pissy! What a mess! And it’s all your fault! Why the hell did you take me out from back there and bring me over here - to this place?
340
Pistheteros:
Because I needed company.
Euelpides:
Company? Company? More like you needed to make me drown in my own tears!
Pistheteros:
Don’t worry, mate! Once these little friends of ours gouge out your eyes, you won’t be able to cry!
Fig Bird
Right! This means war! Get ready for a fatal attack!
Rifle Bird:
Surround the bastards! Get your wings together and surround them! Make them scream!
Garbage Guts:
Let me at them! My beak is starving!
Guzzler:
There’s no mountain shade, no cloud of the high sky nor wave of the churning sea for these two to hide in. I’ll get them one way or another!
Gum Cock:
Right-o! Let’s not mess about, then! Where’s the general? Tell him to bring forward the right wing!
Birds shuffle about accordingly, spears threatening.
Euelpides:
He’s moving about in all directions, dragging with him Pistheteros.
Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Oh me, oh my! Can dead meat hide… before it’s dead?
Pistheteros:
Oi! Can’t you stay put?
Euelpides:
Pissy, they’re going to tear us to pieces!
Pistheteros:
In any case, how do you think you can get away from all this?
Euelpides:
Ohhhh, I wish I knew!
Pistheteros:
Let me tell you! Grab some of those kettles and stand and fight!
Euelpides:
With kettles, Pissy? Are you joking?
Pistheteros:
I’ll keep the Boobook Owl away!
Euelpides:
Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Look at those sharp talons heading towards us! And there! There! Look! Red Throat and Deep Throat! Red Tit, Blue Tit! What are we going to do?
Pistheteros:
Use your skewer, man! Dig it into them!
360
Euelpides:
And our eyes?
Pistheteros:
Grab a saucer, or a dunny bowl and cover them!
Euelpides:
What a smart boy you are, Pissy! What stunning military invention! What a strategist! You out-strategise even
our greatest strategist, Nicias, who gave us the genocide of
Gum Cock:
Go, go, go, go! Ddd-dig your beak into them! Rrr-run, ddd-drag them, ttt-tear at them, smash them! Knock down that kkk-kettle there first! Move, move, move, mmmmm!
366
Bushcock:
Oi! You mongrel of a bird! You ugly terror of a bird! What the hell are you trying do? Why do you want to mutilate –kill even!- two men who’ve done nothing to you and who are my wife’s relatives and who are from the same tribe as me?
Gum Cock:
You mean we should tttt-treat them more leniently than we ttt-treat www-wolves? What enemies are www-worse than these two are there to take revenge on?
Bushcock:
And what if, in fact, they’re enemies only by nature but really friends by heart and mind? And what if, by making friends with them you may learn something which is useful to you?
Bush Tucker Bird:
How could these two ever teach us anything or advise us on anything? They were enemies since the days of our grand dads!
375
Bushcock:
Because, Bush Tucker Bird, wise men learn a great many things from their
enemies.
Such as circumspection. You see, circumspection is a marvellous thing! It can save you from all your problems. Circumspection! Now, that’s a lesson you can’t learn from a friend. Circumspection and respect! You learn that from your enemies. It’s the first lesson you learn from them! Friends don’t teach you how to build tall walls and splendid warships. Enemies do. And these high walls and splendid warships keep your kids and household and property safe. That’s a lesson you learn from enemies, not friends!
The birds gather together to confer. The Laughing Turtle Dove laughs.
Laughing Turtle Dove:
Well then! I, being the Laughing Turtle Dove and my friends here have decided to hear these two out. See what they’ve got to say. Yes, a wise man can learn something useful even from his enemies.
Pistheteros:
I think their anger has died down a bit, mate. Retreat a few steps.
Bushcock:
It’s also the just thing to do… Oh, and, by the way, you owe me one!
Love Bird
Wellll, we’ve never said no to any of your previous plans, Bushy, darling!
Euelpides:
Ah, now they’re behaving more… much more… peace like! More… loveable. Tranquillity at last!
Pistheteros:
By Zeus, they are, too! Lower your kettle then.
And both bowls
Euelpides does so.
But let’s hold on to these spears, I mean skewers so that we’ll still be armed and at the ready. Keep looking closely at the edge of that bowl, too. We don’t want to lose it; and we can’t run away.
Euelpides:
Stoically
Pissy? Tell me, please! If they slaughter us, where on earth are we going to be buried?
395
Pistheteros:
Birdsville, at
Potter’s
Gum Cock:
At all the birds who have broken ranks.
Right oh, you lot! Ggg-get back into line!
The birds obey
Now, ccc-curb your enthusiasm and your kkkk-anger and ddd-behave like real ppp-soldiers! Be real, true ddd-blue diggers, one and all of you!
Now let’s sss-see what these men are all about. Who they are and where they’ve ccc-come from. And what for!
Hey, you!
Bushcock.
Yes Gum Cock?
Gum Cock:
Tell us about these two. Wwwwhere are they from?
The two slaves emerge from their hiding place.
Bushcock:
These two? They’re just two men who came over from wise
old
410
Gum Cock:
And by what
dddd-Fate they have made the journey over here to our
Bushcock:
They’ve been enamoured by your way of life. They want to live with you – be with you for ever!
Gum Cock:
Is that right? And
www-what sss-sort of stories has he spun you?
Bushcock:
Oh, incredible stuff. Totally beyond belief!
Redneck:
Oh, yea? And what does he think he’s going to get by staying with us? If he thinks we’re going to fight his enemy or help his friend…
421
Bushcock:
What he says, Redneck, is that you’ll end up with an enormous wealth. A wealth you can neither believe nor utter words about! He has convinced me that you can have the whole world: what’s here, what’s there, what’s everywhere!
426
Boobook Owl
He’s not crazy by any chance, is he?
Bushcock:
Oh no, Boobook owl! Absolutely not! Words can’t describe just how sane this man is!
Mudnester Cock
And so… he’s got a brain in his head?
Bushcock:
Brain? He’s the shrewdest sneak there is, Mudnester Cock! Subtle and refined! And a most experienced bum!
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
Flutters his wings with excitement
Well, come on then! Come on then! Let him speak! Let him speak! The more I listen to you the more my wings want to fly!
Bushcock:
Right away, Gang-gang Cockatoo!
To his body guards.
Well then! You two! Take my armour and hang it on the hook in the kitchen… near the fireplace, for good luck!
To Pistheteros
And you! You go ahead and tell these fine feathered friends of mine the reason why I called them all here!
Pistheteros:
Oh no! Hang on a
minute! Not so easy! First we’ve got to
come to a deal. Same deal as the knife
maker and his wife back in
Everyone looks puzzled
The knife maker was short and his wife was tall –too tall for him to have a comfortable fuck so every time they did have one, the knife maker got into trouble. His wife kept hurting his balls or he was poking her at the wrong end, or something. So they’ve written up this large, tight, binding agreement to cover all these various unwanted possibilities! That’s the sort of binding agreement I want from you lot. Nothing below the belt! No ball tearing, no ripping out my…
Gum Cock:
Shocked
You ddd-don’t mean to say…
Pistheteros:
No, I don’t mean to say that at all! I mean to say, no ripping out my eyeballs!
Gum Cock:
Oh! We ddd-agree!
Pistheteros:
Swear it!
445
Gum Cock:
Indicates the audience
I’ll sss-swear this for you: That this cucucucu-comedy will win the fff-first ffff-prize by the votes of every sssss-judge and every jjjjj-spectator!
Pistheteros:
Right! So be it!
Gum Cock:
…Bbbbut if I do fffff-break my oath we should still win by one ffffff-vote!
Bushcock:
To the rest of the birds
Right! Now, attention, please! All the brave soldiers among you, take your arms and go home. If there’s any need for a further Tour of Duty, it’ll be noted on your notice boards.
451
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
Man was born to be forever treacherous! Treacherous in every way possible! But talk to us! We’ve got small brains –bird brains. Perhaps you can see something useful in us, something wondrous, even, which we can’t see ourselves because of the dullness of our brain. Talk to us, tell us all about this vision of yours! Because if it happens to be good then it would be good for all of us.
460
Bush Tucker Bird:
Yes, go on, tell us! Persuade us! Tell us about this great idea of yours. Don’t worry, we won’t break our oath!
Pistheteros:
That’s great, great, Bush Tucker Bird! I’ve got the dough of a wonderful speech all ready to go and there’s an orgy going on in my heart to say it to you and turn it into real juicy little bread rolls for you!
Boy! Bring me a garland!
And you, bring me some water to wash my hands with.
Both slaves obey.
Hurry!
Euelpides:
What? Are we getting ourselves ready for dinner, Pissy?
The slaves return and Xanthias gives the garland to Euelpides who in turn, places it with care and pride on Pistheteros’ head while Manes bring the water tub and towel and washes and dries his hands.
Pistheteros:
No, but by Zeus, I’ve always had this huge speech in my craw. One which would dive right into the souls of these birds.
Pause as he prepares for the speech to the birds.
I feel extreme sorrow for you birds! Extreme sorrow! Birds, you were kings, once!
Gum Cock:
Us? Ppppp-kings? Pppp-kings of what?
Pistheteros:
Yes, Gum Cock, kings! Kings of everything: me, him indicating Euelpides even Zeus himself! Everything in existence, Gum Cock! You lot were born even before Cronos and the Titans and even Earth herself!
Gum Cock:
Earth, too?
Pistheteros:
Absolutely, by Apollo! Absolutely!
470
Gum Cock:
By ppppp-Zeus, I nnnn-never bbb-been told that one!
Pistheteros:
Because, Gum Cock, you were born ignorant and you’ve learnt nothing afterwards! Have you bothered to study Aesop? No, that’s what I thought! He says that it’s undeniable that first among you to appear was…
He’s looking for the Shrub Lark in the crowd…
You, yes you! Born before Earth!
Shrub Lark acts surprised and proud.
But then, her father died of bird flu and since there was no earth, he couldn’t be buried. Poor Shrub Lark didn’t know what to do. Finally, on the fifth day, the poor, desperate woman buried him, her father, in her head!
Euelpides:
So that’s how we’ve got the name for the suburb, Lark’s Shrub!
Pistheteros:
So, then, it must follow that if you birds have begun your existence before even the gods did, shouldn’t kingship be yours, too?
Gum Cock:
By A-ppppp-polo, yes!
479
Euelpides:
Well then you should make sure that beak of yours stays very sharp because Zeus isn’t going to just hand over his sceptre to some little woodpecker that easily. You’ll need sharp beaks for that little war!
Pistheteros:
So, you see, Gum Cock, in the beginning it wasn’t the gods who were the kings and ruled over humans but you lot. There’s lots of proof for that. Let me give you one example:
He looks around for the Persian Bird and finds him on top of the cliff ravaging another female bird.
That Persian Bird, over there! It was he who was the first king and ruler of the Persians, well before all those Dariuses and the Megabuzes, the big mouths ever were!
The Persian Bird disengages for a minute to pay attention to what is said about him.
That’s why he’s still called the Persian Bird. Due that beginning of his.
486
Euelpides:
So that’s why he struts about like the Persian King and is the only bird who can keep his head gear erect!
Pistheteros:
Not only that but due to that mighty power of his, as soon as he… sings his morning erection, everyone else has to get up too and go off to work. The metal worker, the potter, the skin stretcher, skin puller, skin washer, whore, lyre and shield maker –all get up, still in the dark, put on their shoes and off they go!
Euelpides:
Yeah, tell me about it! Because of that beast there, I, poor suck, had my lovely Phrygian cloak stolen from me. I’ve been invited to a baby’s ten-day celebration you see, you know, that’s the day we give babies their name and it was held in the city; so I go there, have my few drinks and went off for a little snooze. Well, no sooner had I done that and even before the others had finished dinner, this stupid bird begins his crowing! “Up and at it! Up and at it, up and bloody at it!”
Well, I thought it was morning so I set out for home, to Halimus. But no sooner I poke my nose outside the walls of the city and, bang! Some bastard of a thief gongs me on the back with a huge club! I flop down and have a go at yelling for help but the damned thief had already run off with my cloak! Lovely, Phrygian cloak!
Pistheteros:
And the Kite, the kite was the king and ruler of the Greeks.
Laughing Turtle Dove:
Of the Greeks?
500
Pistheteros:
Absolutely, Laughing Turtle Dove! In fact, being their king, he showed them the custom of “rolling over” on the ground whenever they see a Kite, because the Kite is the herald of Spring.
Euelpides:
Tell me about it, by Dionysus! In fact I did this “rolling over” thing one Spring, when I saw my first Kite and as I did, I gulped down the obol I was carrying under my tongue, you know, so that the thieves won’t find it. Well, I’d swallowed the damned thing and had to drag home an empty wallet that day!
Pistheteros:
And as for the
Cuckoo bird, he ruled over the whole of
Euelpides:
Aha! So that’s why when the heat is too much out there and we all go off naked to do the reaping, we say, “cuckoo! All pricks to the fields!” Hahahaha!
Pistheteros:
And the authority of these birds was so mighty that whoever was the human king in a Greek city, like, say some Agamemnon or a Menelaos, his sceptre would have a bird perched on top of it and that way it would share whatever was presented to that king.
511
Euelpides:
Well, look at that! I didn’t know that either. It always bothered me this. When say, Priam came out on the stage of some play, the bird he’s be holding would be looking directly at Lysicrates, the great corrupt judge of plays, to strike a bribery deal with him.
Pistheteros:
And the most blatant proof of all of this is that, Zeus, the current king of the gods has an eagle stuck on his head, his daughter, Athena, has an owl on hers, and Apollo, being a servant, carries around a hawk.
Gum Cock:
Yes, by Dddd-demetre, that’s rrr-right. But why? Ahhhh-hat’s the ppppp-point?
Pistheteros:
The ppp-point?
Corrects himself
The point, Gum Cock? The point is that when some human wants to make a sacrifice and, as we customarily say, “put the offal in the god’s hands” these birds themselves can snatch them even before Zeus can! The other thing is, that in the olden days, no human swore an oath by a god. They all swore by some bird or other. Even today, we have Lampon, the prophet, and profiteer by the way, swears by a goose, whenever he wants to trick somebody. That’s how important and sacred everyone thought of you birds in the olden days. These days, though, they treat you like puppets, idiots and imbeciles. They even chase you around with rocks, like they do to madmen.
Even in the holy temples there are bird catchers, with their nooses and nets and snares and twigs and meshes and lures in traps, all set up and ready to grab you and sell you by the basket full! And when they do, what happens to you? The buyer starts poking you here and there, feeling your breasts and your legs your inner thighs as well as your bum.
Sounds of sexual outrage from various birds
And if they do decide you’re good enough for their barbie, they buy you and instead of just roasting you on it, they pour all over you a whole lot of oil and vinegar and aromatic herbs and spices and then grate a whole lot of cheese and cover you with it.
More sounds of outrage
Then, if that’s not enough, they go and make another sauce, sweet and greasy and pour it hot on you while you’re hot yourselves on the spit! As if you’re carcasses abandoned on the field to stink.
Gum Cock
What pppppdreadful, what ppppphorrible words you’ve ddddbrought us, human!
540
Laughing Turtle Dove:
Laughs but chokes her laughter with tears.
It made me cry at my fathers’ evilness!
Cockeyed owl:
They’ve destroyed all those wonderful things their fathers left them! Thank god or goodness that you’re here to save us!
Bush Tucker Bird:
I beg you, take over and rule us and our chicks.
Redneck:
That’s right! And now that you’re here, at least teach us what we’ve got to do. We must regain our authority as rulers at all costs! Otherwise our life is worth nothing!
550
Pistheteros:
Fine, Redneck. In
that case, lesson number one is this:
Let there be a city for birds only.
Build a wall which will enclose it and which will enclose the whole
space around it and in it. Make that
wall out of real hard-baked bricks, like that wall in
Gang-gang cockatoo:
By the great birds, Kevrione and Porfyrion! What a mighty city that will be!
Pistheteros:
Get that city built and then demand that Zeus gives you back your authority as rulers, Gang-Gang! If he refuses and if he’s is unwilling to hand over to you his royal authority at once then declare a holy war against him and tell the gods that they’re not to pass through your territory ever again with erect pricks on their way to fuck all those Alcmeneses and Alopeses and Semeleses as they used to do before. And, if they refuse and try to pass through, grab their dicks and put a seal on them so that they can’t fuck anyone!
Then, I think you should send a herald to the humans below. Send a bird to them who will tell them that henceforth, you’re the rulers and all sacrifices to the gods should be preceded by a sacrifice to a bird, the bird most appropriate to that god.
If, for example, someone wants to make a sacrifice for Afrodite, then first he should sacrifice nuts to Gang-gang Cockatoo here. If he wants to sacrifice a sheep to Poseidon, say, then he should first make an offering of wheat to the Guzzler there. For Herakles, he should make offerings of honey balls to the Flamingo and for Zeus for whom he’d be sacrificing a ram, let him first offer to the king of birds, the Big Nob Gum Cock here, who should first, before Zeus, receive the sacrifice of a slaughtered gnat with all genitals intact.
570
Euelpides:
Lovely! A slaughtered gnat for Big Nob Gum Cock! All genitals intact! Hahahaha! Zeus, old boy, thunder your heart out!
Gum Cock:
Bbbbut how are the hhhhumans going to dddbelieve we’re gods and not Gum Cocks? We ffffffly around and ffffflap our wwwwings up and down!
Pistheteros:
That’s bullshit, by Zeus! What about Hermes? He’s got wings on him and he’s a god and there are many other gods who’ve got wings. Victory, for example. She flies around with wings of gold and –what about Eros, by Zeus? And what did Homer say about Iris? “She’s like a trembling dove!”
Euelpides:
Yeah, but won’t Zeus make a whole lot of thunder and hurl at us his winged lighting bolt?
Gum Cock
But what if out of their ignorance the humans treat us like a pack of nobodies whereas those on Olympus as real gods?
Pistheteros:
Well, then a whole cloud of you sparrows should get up and charge at their fields, eat all their seed and then let’s see how Demetre manages to distribute enough grain to them!
581
Euelpides:
She won’t want to do that, by Zeus! She’ll behave just like our politicians: she’ll use all sorts of excuses to back flip on her promises.
Pistheteros:
Then, just to show them what you can do, let all the magpies fly down and peck out the eyes of all the sheep and the oxen that are yoked to till the land. This will give Apollo the Healer something to do to earn his fee!
Euelpides:
Hang on! Wait at least until I sell my pair of oxen!
Pistheteros:
But, let the humans treat you, say, as their Zeus, or you as their Earth, or you as their Cronus and you as their Poseidon, then they’ll be able to share in all sorts of benefits.
Gum Cock:
Wwwwat sort of ggggood ddddbenefits are we tttttalking about?
Pistheteros:
Well, firstly, Gum Cock, they’ll be free of the locusts who eat their vine buds because a whole army of Boobook Owls and Butcher Birds will charge down and gobble them all up in no time. Grind them all to a pulp. Then the mozzies and the blowflies will not be chomping on their fig trees any more because one single flight of Garbage Guts Birds will have them eradicated in no time!
Gang-Gang Cockatoo:
But I know the humans. They’d want money, riches! That’s where their passions lie.
What will we do about that?
Pistheteros:
Easy, Gang-gang Cockatoo! When they do their auguries, the prophets will advise them through the birds, where the most profitable metal mines are and which voyages to take so that no ships and shipowners will be lost at sea.
595
Bush Tucker Bird:
Won’t be lost? What do you mean?
Pistheteros:
What I mean, Bush Tucker Bird is that before anyone leaves his harbour, he’ll talk to his seer about it. Well, the birds will be able to whisper in that seer’s ears and inform him whether or not to leave now because there’s profit in store or to hang on a while because there’s heavy, wintry weather ahead!
Euelpides:
Right! That’s it then! I’m buying a ship and sailing off for profits. I’m not around with you lot!
Pistheteros:
As well, all those treasures which your forefathers buried in strange lands, you birds will be able to reveal to the humans because you know those places. In fact you hear it all the time, “Only a bird knows where I’ve hidden my treasure