Translated and adapted for radio
By
G. Theodoridis
All rights reserved
C.2005
SCENE ONE
OCCASIONAL SOUND OF WILD BUSH BIRDS IN THE DISTANCE
SMILEY AND DINKUM ARE HOLDING A BIRD EACH ON THEIR
ARM. (SMILEY A MAGPIE, DINKUM A DRONGO)
Dinkum?
Yes, Smiley?
Let’s stop a minute.
All right.
Dinkum?
Yes, Smiley?
Are you as tired as I am?
Most probably, Smiley, most probably!
I’m stuffed, too, boss!
Xanthias?
Rooted, boss. Through and through!
Dinkum?
Yes, Smiley?
Are you thirsty?
All my drool's gone, Smiley and I’ve been trying to spit now for the last hundred miles! Talking doesn’t seem to help.
So, birdbrain, any ideas where we might find some water around here?
Straight ahead this time? You want us to go straight ahead, now, you stupid magpie, do you?
Towards that tree over there?
Over there? Are you sure this time? It must be another bloody mile away!
All right then. You know you’re supposed to be taking us to see Tereas, now, don’t you? Or have you forgotten? Bloody Magpies! Curse all the birds!
What's with you, Drongo?
What do you want now? Has Smiley offended your sense of self worth?
Ouch! You bastard of a bird! I told you, “don’t bite,” damn it!
The bloody thing has such a sharp beak! He’s croaking us to go back, Smiley! Doesn’t like this direction at all!
You mongrel! You bloody mongrel of a bird! You’ve made us go up and down, round and round in never-ending and utterly useless bloody circles for bloody hours! I think they want us to die, Dinkum. Now what, you stupid Magpie?
With disdain
Ahhh, you’re such a useless bloody beast! What are ya?
That’s right! You’re a useless beast. Good for nothing. Like all the other birds. Just sit around and shout mating calls all day long.
Pause as he looks around.
Phew! We’re either lost now,
Dinkum, or we’re about to be imminently and, most probably, fatally lost!
Perished in nowhere land! Carcasses in the desert. Like abandoned
donkeys! Our souls will soon descent to Hades and our bodies left for the
gratification of carrion birds; a fate similar to that suffered by the Greek
heroes in
Yeah, Smiley! What an idiot I was, too, listening to a bloody drongo!
Pause as she studies the land
.
By the gods! We must have travelled at least a thousand miles! Look at that horizon! One single, uninterrupted line right around us. Not a curve or undulation anywhere.
Ahhh, me, too, Dinkum! Fancy listening to this moronic chatter box here!
Ouch! Damn! By Hades and his dog! I’ve run clean out of toes! We’ve been pounding the ground for so long, I’ve completely worn away all my toes! Ouch! Look! Look, you stupid bird! See? No toes! Worn away! Because of you!
Yes, Smiley?
Do you think you can find your way back home from here? I can’t even guess where we are!
No, Smiley -
What do you think, boys? Do you know where we might be?
-I don’t know
-Wouldn’t have the faintest.
-I thought you two knew
-
No, Smiley! They wouldn’t have a clue! House proud the both of them. Always preferred the big smoke to the farm and the bush.
This whole place looks the same in every direction to me. It doesn’t matter which way you look.
Ouch! Bugger ya! Stop that!
By Zeus, Smiley! We really had to believe that bird seller, didn’t we? And we really had to go looking for Tereas, didn’t we? Well, that miserable old bird seller says to us, “why don't you just take these two birds and they’ll lead you there!”
One obol for this useless, shortie, here and three for yours! And what can they do? All they can do is bite and scratch! Damned things! Damned birds!
Still, we do want to meet Tereas. He’s gone and turned himself into a bird,
all full of feathers and crests and beaks, no doubt.
A real cock of a bird is our Mr Tereas now! Changed his name, too. From a
man’s name to a bird’s name!
They now call him Mister Bushcock! If you don’t mind!
Ouch! Will you stop that! Bloody hell! What is it now you stupid bird?
Rope is too tight around your leg? All right, then I’ll loosen it a bit for you. But stop your flamin’ biting, you dumb drongo! Zeus, Almighty!
What about your drongo, then? Is he saying anything about directions?
What d’ya reckon, Bird brain? Any idea, Mister biting, bloody drongo genius?
Na, he wouldn’t know. Nothing about directions. Too stupid to know anything this bird. I’m afraid we’ve been well and truly diddled.
Just desert! How the hell did we get here, Dinkum?
We're trying to get out of our
country. Had enough of it. We want to be refugees. Not that we really
hate
You have the cicadas singing on the branches of trees one season and then you have the whole city singing in the branches of the courts for their whole lives!
And so that’s why we’ve hit the road.
And we’re fully equipped, too! Basket, myrtle, pots, pans, shovels and spades, picks,… just like those pioneers who go and start off cities everywhere.
We’ve been looking all over the world for a nice, quiet, tranquil, slow-paced place to put our feet and tent up and just... settle down. Just quietly settle down. Take a breather. Enjoy being alive, instead of wading through all the stress and smoke and wine puke just to get out in time for our funeral.
That’s why we’re looking for Tereas, the newly named Bushcock. We want to ask him if with all this flying he does, has he ever come across such a city…
Here we are, Magpie! Your tree! Hmmm. I wonder how this huge grouchy looking boulder got here, in the middle of nowhere. Creepy looking place, Dinkum. I think we...
Interrupts.
Hang on a minute, mate. Drongo here wants to tell us something.
What is it, bird?
What is it?
Don’t know…
What? Look up? Look up where?
Now that’s odd! Hahaha! My Magpie is doing the same thing. She’s opening her beak as if she’s trying to show me something. There must be some more birds around here. Where, Magpie? In there? Is that a cave?
What then? A nest?
Let’s make a noise and see.
You know what I think? I think you should hit it with your head. It’d make twice the noise!
Come on, just take a stick and hit the bloody thing!
As you please, boss!
Hey boy! Hello, there! Anybody home?
“Anybody home?” What sort of a call is that? “Boy?” What’s this “boy” business? You don’t call a Bushcock, “boy!”
What then?
You call him like this. Stand back!
Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee!
All right then, I’ll do it again.
Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee!
Come on out, Bushcocky! Come on, baby! Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee! Come on, darling!
By Apollo!
Mocking
"Come on baby! Come on Bushcocky!"
Dear, Artemis, goddess of the wild, forgive her for she knows not what she's doing! "Bushcocky!"
Whhhat? Whhho is it? Who’s calling my boss?
By Zeus! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Oh, my Zeus! By Apollo! Woaaaa! What a beak! Will you look at that beak!
Oh, by Hades' beard and Plutos' dog! What a frightening sight!
Ahhhhh! Ohhhhh Noooooo! Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Bird hunters and gatherers! Oh no! Don’t kill me!
Oh! Who, us? Oh, what a dreadful thing to say and what a dreadful way of saying it! Us? Bird hunters?
Right! You two are dead meat!
Vultures! Vultures!
Shhh! Us? Bird hunters? Where did you get that idea from? Ohhhh, you think we’re humans! Ohhhhh, nononononononono! We’re not humans! Goodness no! Nope, we’re not human at all!
Well? What are you then?
Me? Oh, I’m a… I’m a bird! See? I'm a chick. Bird!
What sort of a bird? Well, if you must know, I'm a... I’m a… Shaker bird!
Yes, I know, we are all shagger birds but.. what sort of a shagger bird are you?
I think you’ll find around here we call you a liar bird!
No, really, I’m a Trembler… I’m an African Trembler!
Crap! And him? What sort of a bird is he, then? Speak up! What are you?
Who, me? I’m a Poo-poo bird!
I’ll say you are! Your daks are stacked with the stuff! Poh, what a pong! What about you, you ugly beak? What sort of beast are you?
I’m a Butler Bird! TROHILLOS by name!
A
Oh, no! Not at all! No, no one has beaten me up! It’s just that when my boss became a bird, you know, a Bushcock, well, he prayed that I’d become a bird too so that I could be his butler.
Birds need butlers, too?
No, not really but my boss was a man once, you see. So sometimes he gets a craving for, say… sardines from Faliros. Well, off I fly with a bucket to get him some. If he wants lentils…
Stop that!
If he wants lentils, then I come back with a ladle and a potful of them, see?
Ha! It seems you act more like a wheel barrow than a butler. Well, now, Mr Wheelbarrow, you know what we want from you? We want you to go in there and bring your master out here!
Oh, nononononono! I couldn’t do that! Nononononono! Absolutely not!
Oh, come on, little wheelie! Come on you handsome butler, you!
Oh, all right! But he’ll get soooo angry! He’s just finished gorging on his myrtle berries and his gnats. He’s gone off for his little siesta now, you see, so he’ll be veeeeeery angry with me but I’ll do you this little favour
Bloody bird! He’s scared the pants off me!
Bloody hell!
What?
My Magpie flew off!
Did you let your bird go? What a frightened little chook you are!
Here chook, chook, chook, chook! Chooky, chook chook!
And what about you and your little bird, ey? Did you let go of your drongo when you fell on your bum in fear or did he wave au revoir to you as he flew away?
Ahem! Attention! Make way, make way! My master, Mr Bushcock, is approaching!
Open up this bush! Wiiiiiiiider! Wiiiiiider! WIIIIDER I said! Now, let me through! Ugh!
By Zeus! Look at that beak!
It’s enormous! Wow!
Bloody gruesome for a bird! Gruesome, bizarre, horrible and disgusting!
Is it a beak or a monkey's bum? I can't tell!
Hey, what sort of beast are you, birdie?
Now, who’s looking for me? Where is he? Who are you?
By Zeus! All of the twelve gods must have given you some beating, ey, Bushcock?
What do you mean?
I mean your… feathers, friend! They’re in one hell of a ruffle, aren’t they?
Oh, you’re mocking me for my feathers, are you? Oh, my friends, if only you knew! If only you knew my full and sad story! Let me tell you then since you don’t know: I was a man, once!