HOW TO BE A

SOUTHERN MAN

Here it is mate. All you'll ever need to know about Drinking, Dressing, Talking, Driving and thinking the Southern Man style.

A SOUTHERN MAN ALWAYS:

• Uses his left hand to drink with, leaving his right hand free to prod the chest of anyone who disagrees with his rugby theories; of which he has an abundance.

• Drives a ute 

(this one's a Holden )

( or similar no-nonsense wagon ) - it has the space for a few kegs of Speight's when the boys come over to watch footy. They're also perfect for hunting and fishing trips or the odd excursion north to support the local team.

• Wears his Speight's jersey with pride whenever he can, especially at his local rugby club or pub.

A SOUTHERN MAN NEVER:

• Eats quiche or beansprouts, uses cellphones or drinks beer out of a stemmed glass

• He won't be seen dead in a Karaoke Bar and never wears boat shoes ( except on a boat )

• Holds hands with his woman in public nor ride scooters or mopeds

FOOD - THE SOUTHERN MAN PREFERS...........

• A barbeque at the back of the flat with the boys telling a few lies over a cold Speight's

• Good curries; the hotter the better, as well as raw Bluff oysters, whitebait and good meat pies

• Wild pork on the spit, venison sausages and white bread, giblet soup and roasts are all his favourites

• Not to patronise restaurants that don't serve jugs.

• Muttonbird stew

ANIMALS THE SOUTHERN MAN WON'T TOLERATE

• Any animal you can't ride, throw a rope on or muster sheep with.

(dog - from Murray Balls'  Footrot Flats)

THE SOUTHERN MAN RESPECTS:

• Women who drink Speights out of the jug

(Cheeky Hobson - from Murray Balls'  Footrot Flats) 

• Laurie Mains

HOLIDAYS - WHILE ON HOLIDAY THE SOUTHERN MAN ....

• Only goes where he can get Speight's

• Is disturbed about the trend where Speight's is becoming available in more Northern provinces as he has no excuse when pressured by his wife to travel out of the South

• Doesn't allow his wife to drive unless he's had a few.

• Looks forward to getting back to his favourite bar

( Wal - from Murray Balls'  Footrot Flats)

SPORT - SOUTHERN MAN.....

• Plays any contact sport where there is risk to life or limb

• Watches and talks rugby, even during the cricket season

• Referees rugby ( from the terraces at Carisbrook )

• Doesn't switch on the cricket until Ken Rutherford is batting.

• Only travels to Auckland for test matches and only then if he can drink Speights

• Enjoys John Hart and Richard Loe jokes and it's only a co-incidence that so many of the present All-Black team are current or former Otago players.

• Always questions any Aucklanders selected in a national team and remembers Grizz Wylie's and Laurie Mains' birthday

• Thinks basketball is the name for netball when men play it

CLOTHES - THE SOUTHERN MAN ...........

• Prefers practical clothing eg Swanndries, Levi jeans, rugby jerseys, and shirts with padded elbows for leaning on his favourite bar

• Unlike Aucklanders, he doesn't own more than two ties ( preferably rugby club ties ) and wouldn't be seen dead in a skivvy or cardigan

• Doesn't wear choker chains, rings or ear studs.

THE LINGO

• "Scarfie" = University student

• "One for the road" = Two for the road

• "McCann" = beer pot

• "Sip" = 5 jugs

• "Big Sip" = in excess of 8 jugs

• "Spiggots/Real beer" = Speight's Gold Medal Ale

• "A wee bit nippy" = a 6 degree frost

IN GENERAL SOUTHERN MEN:

• Never sit down in public bars

• Never ask to see the wine list

• Will never leave beer in his glass

• Are respected wherever they go, for their taste in clothes, their taste in sport, and of course for their taste in beer

• 

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