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Are You Really Helping?
SCENE OPENS WITH GLENDA SEATED IN AN OFFICE CUBICLE. SHE'S AT A COMPUTER DESK WITH HER HEADSET ON BUT THE MIKE PULLED AWAY FROM HER FACE. DILBERT CARTOONS ARE TACKED TO THE WALLS AND SHE IS LEAFING THROUGH A MAGAZINE. SHE LOOKS UP INTO THE CAMERA.
GLENDA: "Oh, taking a registered coffee break are you? Well, I've solved that."
SHE PULLS A THERMOS OUT OF THE BAG AT HER FEET.
GLENDA: "Nice fresh, real coffee. Not that instant rubbish. Oh I know that the other stuff is free thanks to our wonderful union rep, but I mean you wouldn't pay money for it would you!"
THE PHONE RINGS. GLENDA SWINGS HER MIKE ROUND AND FACES THE COMPUTER.
GLENDA: "Welcome to Computers R Us Help Desk, this is Glenda, how may I help you?"
SHE LISTENS FOR A MOMENT
GLENDA: "Have you tried rebooting? Try that, if it doesn't work, please call us back."
SHE HANGS UP, SWIVELS THE MIKE AROUND AND TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.
GLENDA: "Oh I know Muriel is trying to do a good job, but I mean really, instant coffee. The company made 3.5 Million this year, they can't afford a pecolator?"
THE PHONE RINGS. GLENDA SWINGS HER MIKE ROUND AND FACES THE COMPUTER.
GLENDA: "Welcome to Computers R Us Help Desk, this is Glenda, how may I help you?"
SHE LISTENS FOR A MOMENT
GLENDA: "Have you tried rebooting? Try that, if it doesn't work, please call us back."
SHE HANGS UP, SWIVELS THE MIKE AROUND AND TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.
GLENDA: "I tell you these people, half a brain cell between them and they would be dangerous. Anyway, as I was saying to Henry…"
THE PHONE RINGS. WITH A SIGH, GLENDA SWIVELS ROUND.
GLENDA: "Welcome to Computers R Us Help Desk, this is Glenda, how may I help you?"
SHE LISTENS FOR A MOMENT
GLENDA: "Have you tried rebooting? … Yes, well, have you checked to make sure all the cords are in the right holes … What model do you have? … The model number is written on the front of the machine in big black letters. …. No that is the drive, Look further down… yes that's it. Hold on, I will check."
SHE TAPS ON THE COMPUTER FOR A MOMENT NOT LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.
GLENDA: "I am afraid that model can't do what you are trying, you will have to upgrade, please hold while I transfer you to sales."
SHE HANGS UP ON THE CALL AND TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA. BEFORE SHE CAN START TO SPEAK, THE PHONE RINGS.
GLENDA: "Welcome to Computers R Us Help Desk, this is Glenda, how may I help you?"
GLENDA HOLDS THE HEADSET AWAY FROM HER EAR. AN IRATE VOICE CAN CLEARLY BE HEARD. GLENDA SMILES AT THE CAMERA WHILE CROSSING HER EYES.
GLENDA: "Please calm down Sir. I know you have had problems, but I can't help until we go through things calmly. Now, you have tried rebooting?"
SHE HOLDS THE HEADSET AWAY FROM HER EAR AGAIN.
Glenda: "All right, you would be amazed how often that works. OK, can you see the model number? It is written on the front of your tower under the disc drive… The tower is the big box where you turn the computer on. The disc drive is the little hole where you put the disks in… Disc are those things that look like a small square, they are plastic, normally black with a silver square on them… yes those are them. No you don't need them at this stage…. No Sir, Sir, please stay on the line…
SHE WAITS FOR A MOMENT TAPPING HER FINGERS ON THE DESK
GLENDA: "OK you have the disks, That's good. Now put them down on the desk. No you don't need them just yet Sir… Yes I know that Sir, they come with all the computers we sell. Now… yes Sir, I know they cost a bit but…. Sir! Now could you tell me the model number of your computer… "
FROWNS AND CHECKS THE COMPUTER SCREEN FOR INFORMATION
Glenda: "No sorry Sir, that is your monitor, not the thing that looks like a TV, the other big box… No Sir, that's the box the monitor came in, I mean the white box with the holes in the front and the big green button… It might be on the floor Sir… Yes I know our techs set the computer up in your home for you but I don't know exactly where the tech might have placed things in your particular home Sir… no that information is not on our computers but I will send the idea in to my supervisor. Now, can you see the model number?… It's written in black… Sir why do you need a torch?"
GLENDA STOPS DEAD STARING AT THE PHONE.
Glenda: "Sir are you saying you are in the middle of a blackout?"
PAUSES FOR A FULL 30 SECONDS
Glenda: "OK then, do you still have all the packing that the computer came in? Yes, well that is good. I want you to pack the computer back into its boxes … OK, once you have done that, can you see the address on the front of the disks…. OK I want you to send the computer back to there…. No, nothing is wrong with it, it's just that you are too stupid to own a computer. Thank you for your call."
Ends Contact us for more information on this or our services. Ph: 07 33564807 or email kfainges@bigpond.net.au
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