Things I've Learned From My Children
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy
underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls
of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot
house 4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT
This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow
records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users
from reporting faults in the first place.
1. Your Name: __________________________
2. Your Login Name: ____________________
3. The date? __/__/__
4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__
5. Problem severity:
Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___
6. Which machine?
7. What appears to be at fault?
Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___
Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___
Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___
7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___
7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___
7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___
7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___
7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___
7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___
7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself? ________________
______________________________________________________________
7.7 Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___
7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?
Grinding ___ Rattling ___
Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___
Sound of disk head scouring disk ___
Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___
7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___
7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___
7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___
7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault
occurred?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.10.1 If 'Nothing', explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________________
7.12 Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes___ No ___
7.13 Describe the problem _________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.14 Now, describe the problem accurately _________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.15 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.16 Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me?
Yes___ No ___
WANT A LAUGH READ ON
You know you may be spending too
much time with your computer if:
1. You wake up at 3AM to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail
on
the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator
1.1 or higher".
3. You name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
just
pulled the life support plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
your
child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the
free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start
to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
your ISP's access
number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word
processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I - I - Net dot net dot
com".
13. All your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your dog has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have a neutral screennames and you never bothered to
ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
21. When you talk to your spouse your hands simultaneously type out the
message on the table.
Sound like anyone you know
January 9, 2003
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