It's an Oirish yarn ye be liking?

Check back occasionally for a new joke on this page. Any you miss you can find in the archives.

They will be clean, but rarely original. I'll acknowledge the source, if known.

"About your double glazing, Mr. Kennedy, you haven't made any payments for three years." "That's perfectly true. But you told me that it would pay for itself in twelve months."

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After overtaking Muldoon the taximan, who was speeding, the policeman said to him, "You were doing ninety five miles an hour. What the hell do you think you're at?" He said, "Well, you see, my brakes failed about three miles back and I was rushing home before I caused an accident."

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Casey walked into Danaher's carpentry shop and said, "Can you make me a box fifty feet long and one inch wide?" "I never built anything like that before" said the carpenter, "But it could be done. Why would you want a box fifty feet long and one inch wide?" Casey said, "My neighbour moved out of town and left his garden hose, and now he wants me to ship it to him."

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Identical twins, dressed exactly alike, stopped in to Cooney's pub for a drink. Clancy staggered up to them, and stopped to look at them in amazement. Then he ordered another drink. Finally, one of the twins laughed and said, "Don't get upset, you're not really in such bad shape. We're twins." The Irishman took another look and said, "All four of you?"

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Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate." He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?" He said, "I would that, Father." The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?" Harrigan said, "No." The priest said, "And why not?" He said, "I have two greyhounds."

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O'Reilly was seen leaving the theatre at the interval during a play. "Excuse me, sir," said the doorman, "Isn't the play to your liking?" O'Reilly said, "T'is not that. It's just that the programme says that the second act takes place two weeks later and me wife told me to be home before midnight."

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Casey and Flanagan go on a holiday to Africa. They go out camping in the jungle. They are sleeping in their tent when Casey cries out in pain. Flanagan wakes up just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering out of the tent. "That snake bit me on my ass," cries Casey. "Hurry! run and call a doctor and ask him what we should do." Flanagan springs from the tent and runs two miles through the woods to a campsite where there is a pay phone. He calls a doctor and tells him what happened. The doctor says, "Listen carefully. You must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut an X on the spot where the snake bit him and then suck out the venom. But do it quickly or your friend will die." Flanagan runs two miles back through the forest and arrives at the tent. Casey looks at him anxiously and says: "What did the doctor say?" Flanagan says, "You're gonna die."

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