AVIATION jokes are in their own archive.
10-02-99 My Irish uncle was a distillery worker. He fell in a vat of rum and valiantly fought off all attempts to
save him from drowning. They cremated him and the fire burned for two days. (The Two Ronnies, BBC TV) 20-02-99 An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Australian walked into a pub. "What's this?" said the barman. "Some kind of a joke?" 27-02-99 Finnegan asked Pat to help him with a problem on his car. "It's me indicator lights," says he, "I can't turn them on from in the driver's seat and check them at the same time." "Never a problem," said Pat' "you stay inside and I'll be watching the lights back here." So that's how they proceeded. As soon as the first light came on, Pat cried out "It's working!" but then immediately had to contradict himself, "no it's not... yes it is..." "Begorrah!" said Finnegan. "It's as like I thought- unreliable!" 13-03-99 An Irishman proposed to his girl on St Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond in it. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in recognition of St Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock." Harold Emery in National Enquirer
03-04-99
Paddy usually didn't wear his seatbelt and was pulled over by the Garda.
He hastily clipped it on as he stopped.
"Oi see yer not be wearing the seatbelt!" the officer challenged.
"Begorrah and I surely be wearin' it.""But if ye don't believe it, ask me wife."
"And so, was he then?" asked the policeman.
"Officer," she said, "Oi've bin married to Paddy for twenty years,
and one ting I've loin'd in all that time is never argue with him when he's drunk!"
17-04-99
Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business.
As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey!" said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"
25-04-99
O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
02-05-99
An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
09-05-99
The Irish Guide to Medical Terms
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door to the cafeteria
Barium: What undertakers do
Caesarian Section: District of Rome
C.A.T. Scan: Search for pussy
Cauterise: Making eye contact with a woman
Dilate: To live to a very old age
Enema: Somebody who's got it in for ya!
Labour pain: Off on workers compensation
Morbid: A higher offer at auction
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate
Rectum: Damn near killed him
Tablet: A little table
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the bus depot
Tumour: More than one more
Urine: Opposite to you're out
16-05-99
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Well what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
23-05-99
Shaun went into the village bakery for one of those new Pizza things.
"Would you like your pizza sliced into four or six pieces?" asked the baker.
"Only four," replied Shaun, "I don't think I could eat six."
OK- so you've heard that one- here's another then...
An Irishman entered his doctor's surgery with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana stuck in his right ear.
"Doctor," he asked, "what's wrong with me?"
"It's obvious," the doctor replied, "you aren't eating right!"
Rajah Bose in Reader's Digest March 1998
30-05-99
"Well, Mrs O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs O'Connor. Faith, we only have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled, "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he want to engage in unnatural connubial practices?"
"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds!"
"Mrs O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for your seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
06-06-99
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman get a drink in a bar - all have a fly floating on top of their beer.
The Englishman sends his back in disgust.
The Scotsman flicks the fly out and starts to drink his pint.
The Irishman holds up the fly and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Irishman and his wife are driving along, when he notices the blue flashing light of a police car. He pulls over and winds down his window, and the policeman leans inside.
"Do you know your wife fell out of the car a few miles back?" enquires the bobby.
The Irishman's face lights up with relief. "Thank the Lord" he says, "I thought I'd gone deaf".
Mick and Paddy are walking home from the pub when they find a severed head on the pavement.
"Isn't that Seamus?" asked Mick.
"Never," replied Paddy, "Seamus was much taller".
Max Reverse in PPRuNe
13-06-99
"One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"'What's wrong with you?'" asked the priest.
"'Well,' said the frog, 'the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog.'
"'Really!' said the priest, 'can you explain?'
"'Once upon a time I was an eleven year old choirboy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.'
"'That's an incredible story!' said the priest, 'is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?'
"'Yes,' said the frog. 'It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights sleep I would wake up a boy once again.'
"'Today's your lucky day!' said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the eleven year old choirboy beside him in bed,
"and that, my Lord is the case for the Defense... "
The Irish Pub Site
20-06-99
Irish Logic
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was studying at University College in Dublin.
"And what" asked Pat, "be you studying?"
"Logic," replied Mick.
"What's Logic?" Pat wanted to know.
"Well!" said Mick, "Do you have a goldfish?" Pat: "I do!"
Mick: "So, you probably have the fish for your kid?!" Pat: "That's right!"
Mick: "So... Having kids means your probably married!" Pat: "That's right!"
Mick: "So being married means you're not a homosexual!" Pat: "That's right!"
Mick explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The boys say goodbye and head off in different directions.
An hour later, Pat meets his mate Seamus. After a while Seamus asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago. Shamey says, "And what's old Mick doing with himself?" Pat replies "He's studying Logic at the University."
Seamus: "And what's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me explain....Do you have a goldfish?"
Seamus: "I do!"
Pat: "So you're not a homosexual then!"
The Irish Pub Site
27-06-99
Hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What about the Irish sky-diver who was killed when his snorkel failed to open?
Or the Irish water skier who spent the whole winter looking for a sloping lake?
Or the Irish Sea Scouts who drowned when their tent sank?
Or the Irish midget who joined the Army.
He lied about his height!
Or the Irish terrorist who went to blow up a bus.
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
These came from the PPRuNe gang
04-07-99
Q. What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A. Patty O'Furniture (Michael O'Connell)
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a Punt a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two Punt. But she wrote out the obituary: "Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."
11-07-99
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now the Missus was never too happy about it, either.
So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the life out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up your drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye!".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are YOU?"
To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Very glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
18-07-99
"Seamus do you understand French?"
"I do, if it's spoken in Irish."
A young man stood up for an old lady on a crowded bus, and offered her his seat.
"No thank you son," she replied, "I daren't sit down as I'm in a hurry."
Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex-wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael, "I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife fifty Pounds per week."
Michael replied, "You're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself."
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted".
One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten that job."
25-07-99
Two Irishmen are sitting watching all the hype from the 30th celebrations of the Moon landing.
Pat: "I'm part of the Oirish space programme. We're gonna be the first astronauts on the Sun!"
Seamus: "To be sure, you'll get burnt to a crisp."
Pat: "No Seamy, not to worry, we're going at night!" (PPRuNe Site)
Pat and Mick decided to go duck hunting. After about four hours, Pat said, "We don't seem to be getting many ducks!"
"No," said Mick, "Maybe we should throw the dog a bit higher!" (Courier Mail)
She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
Irish Pub Site
01-08-99
A young Irish girl goes into the Church on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place.
Suddenly Private Slattery shot a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screamed, "Slattery! It's only 8.45, why did you shoot him?"
Slattery replied, "Well, I know where he lives and he would never have made it home by 9.00."
An Irishman, an Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia, drinking liquor.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back. What would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before flogging him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.
So they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London. He groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back. What would you like?" asked the prison guard.
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes, he spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back. What would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll have the German".
Irish Pub Site
08-08-99
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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