11-07-99

The following letter is from the Qantas Flight Operations Newsletter dated June 96.

Sir,

In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the Qantas 75th Birthday celebration at the overnight port. As the reports from the local authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter on file.

Qantas management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status, so appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with festivities being held in my hotel suite.

An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members of the crew left for further purchases at a local bar. In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some exotic dances.

The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing little deterrent. Second Officer Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was excellent! In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminium rubbish bin upside down on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I personally heard nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room was, unluckily, next door.

I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel management and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out, here come the Indians! Circle the wagons!" was made. The simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make the dance floor bigger is obvious.

The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers, whom we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the dancing.

The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the celebration, when First Officer Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health, organised the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were even halfway up.

At this stage, in an amazing display of international posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day cocktail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about Australian culture. Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting, Female Flight Attendant Williams rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture.

Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is performed wearing just a sarong skirt so FA Williams' extra step to nature was a bold step forward.

Unfortunately, during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, so we were lucky that S/0 Brown, who had the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help. That the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O Brown could actually complete his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew member's safety, that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny that this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water Polo' game!

This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over zealous Fascists at the cocktail party.

Order had nearly been restored when the fire started.

I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the hotel.

The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended, not condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions made in the Chief Fire Officer's Report.

I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning. However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but also by failing to secure our release immediately, caused the subsequent aircraft delay.

I did not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her twelve hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and probably HRH herself. (I must mention that the local manager is far too obsequious - Smarmy! Smarmy! You should have seen him bowing and scraping. Never make a Prime Minister, that chap!)

Finally, I note that not since 'Rainman' has Qantas been mentioned in so many newspapers. (Some people in Qantas would die for coverage like that.) The main newspaper at the slip port coincidentally mentioned Qantas 75 times on its front page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described as the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press.

I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am concerned, the crew carried on the finest Qantas traditions.

Regards,

Captain......

P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew, but no one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the International Department who could translate 'Persona Non Grata'?

The following idea is from the PPRuNe collection.

Three Flight Attendants and three Pilots were going on a short holiday together. Sick of aviation, they decide to take the train.

The three Pilots walked up to the window and bought three tickets, after which the three Flight Attendants went to the window and bought one ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" the pilots asked.

"Wait until we are on the train, then you will see." replied the FAs.

When the train arrived and they boarded, the three FAs piled into one of the toilets and closed the door. The conductor walked down the aisle collecting the tickets, until he eventually got to the toilet and knocked on the door.

"Tickets please!" he called, whereupon the door opened a crack, and the ticket was passed out, after which the conductor moved on.

"That's a great trick!" the pilots agreed, and being cheapskates, they vowed to use the same procedure on the way home.

After the holiday, the three pilots bought one ticket, while the FAs didn't buy any.

"How are you going to travel this time?" the mystified pilots asked.

"Wait until we are on the train, then you will see," replied the FAs.

This time, as the train arrived, the three FAs piled into one toilet, while the three pilots shoved themselves into the other.

As soon as the pilot's door is closed, one of the FAs sneaks across and pounds on their door, calling, "Tickets please!"

25-07-99

From a British Airways Flight Operations Department Notice:

There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings.

The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA Operations Manual. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-Handling Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot and Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxy until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Landing Pilot at 80 knots.

The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion. Then the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non- Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "Decision Altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "Go Around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot continues handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "Land" or "Go Around", as appropriate.

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly.

01-08-99

This one has appeared just about everywhere at some time.

Three New Zealanders liked to go deer hunting every year. So last year they hired a Cessna 172 and a pilot to fly them to a remote forest. They had a successful day's hunting, and met back at the plane, each carrying a buck.

They loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."

Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we got the same amount last year, and we got off the ground without any problem."

So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground.

But then the plane's stall warning started to make its noise and the little plane stopped climbing and crashed in the woods.

Luckily, the three men and the pilot sustained only some bruises.

One of the hunters asked, "Any idea where we are?"

His Kiwi mate said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."

08-08-99

Most modern aircraft are equipped with radar transponders that not only give air traffic controllers a distinct radar image, but which also provide altitude information on the screen as well. However, since not all aircraft have this capability and sometimes there's the occasional malfunction, controllers don't tend to get overly concerned about it unless there's a safety issue involved.

This exchange took place when a controller was seeing a target on his screen that wasn't showing any sort of altitude indication:

Approach Control: "Cessna One-Alpha-Bravo, you have unidentified traffic at 2 o'clock, three miles, altitude unknown, over the railroad tracks. Very slow moving primary target...might be a helicopter."

(Long pause...) One-Alpha-Bravo: "Might be a train, Sir."

15-08-99

The following supposedly true story is from the Fudpucker Airlines page.